+. weird, world.
Beneath the cut is an interlude with Akiko and Diego that won't happen for quite some time in-text, but that I'm posting now for corellianjedi's benefit:
She shifted gingerly, rolling over beneath the reassuring weight of the arm he had draped across her waist. In the darkness his face was a grayscale blur. She could make out the edge of his nose, the curve of one thick eyebrow. A speck of light that slipped beneath a cockeyed slat in the blinds cast a silvery sheen across a single curl that had fallen over his forehead. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch it; it was just below the spot of gray in his hair. While some men went gray at the temples, or all at once, Diego had a small uneven patch just above his right eye that was touched with frost. Everywhere else was glossy ebony save for that single spot.
Akiko loved that patch of gray. She loved everything around it, too, if she was being completely honest with herself.
Her eyes began to adjust. She could make out the curve of his lips now, the healing cut and fading bruise marking his cheek, the thick fans of lashes edging the fluttering eyelids. He was waking in subtle increments, lips parting around a soft breath as his arms moved around her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” he said, eyes still closed, more an exhalation than a response. He shifted closer, until his forehead brushed hers, his curls tangling with her hair. “…What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said a shade too quickly, plucking at the edge of the bedspread.
He was silent for a long heartbeat, giving her time. One hand slid heavily across the sheets, closing around hers with the fumbling clumsiness of sleep. He drew the hand up and pressed a kiss to her fingers, his beard scratching not unpleasantly against her skin.
“I know you’re uncomfortable,” she said finally, in a small voice.
“It’s a narrow bed,” he said.
“No-I know I make you uncomfortable.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. She could see when he finally truly saw her, pupils widening in the darkness and focusing on hers. “In what way do you mean?” he asked her, and she was glad he didn’t just deny it, didn’t just say ‘no’. Diego understood the importance of communication and knew the value of words. He knew she didn’t like to speak unless she had something to say; and he had become accustomed to living in quiet solitude himself. Neither of them would win awards for loquaciousness.
“I can tell… I pick up… When we’re close together, when we touch… I know you want to do more,” she confessed. “I don’t mean to know it, but I can’t help it. I know it distracts you. Bothers you.”
Even now, she wanted to say but couldn’t quite manage, because her cheeks were already crimson with embarrassment. Sharing a bed together, I know you wish it was more than just sleeping. I don’t even need a gift to know that-your body betrays you when we’re lying here.
“I can’t help it,” he said. “Being attracted to you. The way my body reacts to you. But I can deal with it.”
“I’m sorry to-”
“No,” he said gently but firmly. “Don’t apologize. Please. You’ve done nothing to apologize for. You can’t control the fact that you’re beautiful, or how I’m physically attracted to you. And you can’t change the fact that you’re uninterested with the things my libido would enjoy. Don’t-don’t feel as though you have to compromise to make me happy. Because that isn’t on you.”
“But why should it be on you, then?” Akiko said. “How can I ask you to deny yourself…”
“Akiko, to be perfectly frank, even if you wanted to have sex I’m not sure I’d really know how to go about it. I’ve slept with one woman in my entire life and that happened thanks to an entire bottle of tequila and a very bad night several years ago. I don’t look back on the experience with any sort of fondness and I don’t recall enjoying myself enough to want to try again. I’d much rather hold you like this.”
“But-” …Your body clearly wants to do something, even if your head doesn’t, she finished silently.
“Male anatomy is awkward and unpredictable,” he said with a smile of chagrin. “A strong breeze can be arousing sometimes. And at night... I’m sorry-if it bothers you, I’ll sleep-”
“No,” she said quickly. “Don’t go. Not unless it’s too… frustrating.”
When he made no move to get up and she had relaxed properly, Akiko cleared her throat gingerly. “I was talking to Charlie-”
“Oh,” he said. “I think I see why you’ve been dwelling on this.”
Akiko hesitated. Well, it had made her wonder. Charlie was such a sexual being-you only had to be around her for an hour to realize that-and she was certainly enthusiastic and outspoken about how great sex was. Akiko tried not to think too much on Charlie’s nighttime activities, since they prominently involved her own brother, and there were certain barriers that should never be crossed, gifted or not. But for someone similarly wired, perhaps sex was one of the best things about life. In the past weeks Akiko had inadvertently caught the edge of rather steamy thoughts and desires from not just Charlie, but from Alberto and Genny, even from Annie. It seemed like something was in the air and everyone was suddenly very primed.
Since she had discovered the label that fit her so aptly, Akiko had stopped worrying about whether or not she was normal. She knew there were other people in the world like her who saw sex as unimportant, uncomfortable, or downright distasteful. Plenty would rather read a book than fuck; were fine with holding hands with someone but could never imagine getting to a point where clothes would need to be removed. And that was okay. And she was fine with it.
But now, unexpectedly, she found herself thinking-almost constantly-about someone else. Someone who wasn’t family and wasn’t merely a friend. Someone she cared about very, very much. And when you care about someone, you start to see things from their perspective. You start to worry about how they feel and what they’re thinking. Suddenly sex had become an issue again.
She wanted Diego to be happy in all the ways he could be happy. She wanted him to have all of the things he dreamed of and longed for and desired. But what if, amidst hopes for a world free of the Order’s influence, a chance to stop running, and a secure future, he wanted a physical relationship? She-yes, it was time to acknowledge it-loved him. But could she ever give him that unreservedly? Without feeling uncomfortable and hesitant? Was it right to ask him to commit himself to celibacy for her sake? What if this was an insurmountable difference between them, an incompatibility that would only make them both unhappy given enough time?
“A relationship should be balanced,” she said. “One half can’t take more than the other, can’t expect the other to give more than their due. It’s not right. I can’t ask you to change for my sake.”
“And I can’t ask you to change for mine,” he said amicably. “So it would be best if neither of us changes, at least not on this point.”
She blinked, somewhat confused.
“Yes, I’ll probably always be attracted to you. But you know what I’ve learned? Probably the only good thing I took away from the Order: I don’t have to act on every impulse. I can control myself, because I’m a thinking being. And when I tell you that sex has never been a super alluring prospect, don’t think I’m saying that just to assuage your concerns. I’ve gone through almost my entire life without it and I honestly don’t see how it could improve my life all that much now. Truly, Akiko. It’s no wrench. I don’t feel as if I’m being deprived or punished. Besides: there are plenty of ways to be intimate with someone without having sex.”
Her cheeks began to cool. She felt as though she had just cleared an invisible hurdle, and let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “You’re sure?”
“Absolutely. And I want you to promise me that if you’re ever uncomfortable with something you’ll tell me. Don’t ever let me overstep your boundaries-I don’t want you to feel obligated to please me.”
“Alright,” she said quietly. “And the same goes if I ever make you uncomfortable. If you ever need space.”
“It’s a deal.”
She threaded her fingers between his and squeezed gently. Lifted his hand and turned it to press a kiss to his knuckles. “Hand-holding is good,” she said. “I like your hands.”
He only smiled.
“And when you kiss my forehead-I like that very much.”
“Hugs?”
“Hugging is great,” she said with feeling. “But for years I’ve been afraid to hug people-what if my shields came down, or I saw things I shouldn’t? For the longest time I’ve only let my dad or grandparents hug me.”
“Well, I’ll have to work hard to make up for lost time, then,” he murmured into her hair, arms tightening around her.
“When you hold me,” she said, slightly breathless. “I feel safer than I have in… And when you sleep next to me, just the weight of your body beside me is reassuring. I like to listen to you breathe. I like the way you reach out to touch me in the dark.”
“And kisses?”
“…Sometimes,” she decided after a moment’s thought. She enjoyed the scrape of his beard when he kissed her hands, her cheeks, her forehead. She was vaguely aware that tongues typically came into play during a full kiss and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. “Maybe just a simple one. On occasion.”
“Alright,” he agreed. “I’ll wait for you to pick those occasions.”
And as the night grew older and the press of time felt heavier, Akiko realized they didn’t really need any physical displays of affection. A hug or a forehead kiss felt wonderful, yes, but so did a mere glance. Diego had eloquent eyes. An expressive mouth. They had become so intuitive together that the smallest change in posture told the other everything. And with her gift…
The average person could tell their friend, lover, spouse, partner all about their past. Pull out pictures or even home movies. Trust that their imagination was good enough to fully paint the scene in their own mind. But she could literally show him her most important memories, the most beautiful places she had seen, the way she truly felt with him in a way that would let him feel it with the same rush she had experienced. He was right: they didn’t need sex to be intimate, to give each other pleasure or an intoxicating thrill. She only had to be herself and unlock the doors around her Empathy-he only had to lower his guard and let her in.
And that felt as natural and easy as breathing.
She shifted gingerly, rolling over beneath the reassuring weight of the arm he had draped across her waist. In the darkness his face was a grayscale blur. She could make out the edge of his nose, the curve of one thick eyebrow. A speck of light that slipped beneath a cockeyed slat in the blinds cast a silvery sheen across a single curl that had fallen over his forehead. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch it; it was just below the spot of gray in his hair. While some men went gray at the temples, or all at once, Diego had a small uneven patch just above his right eye that was touched with frost. Everywhere else was glossy ebony save for that single spot.
Akiko loved that patch of gray. She loved everything around it, too, if she was being completely honest with herself.
Her eyes began to adjust. She could make out the curve of his lips now, the healing cut and fading bruise marking his cheek, the thick fans of lashes edging the fluttering eyelids. He was waking in subtle increments, lips parting around a soft breath as his arms moved around her.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “Did I wake you?”
“No,” he said, eyes still closed, more an exhalation than a response. He shifted closer, until his forehead brushed hers, his curls tangling with her hair. “…What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” she said a shade too quickly, plucking at the edge of the bedspread.
He was silent for a long heartbeat, giving her time. One hand slid heavily across the sheets, closing around hers with the fumbling clumsiness of sleep. He drew the hand up and pressed a kiss to her fingers, his beard scratching not unpleasantly against her skin.
“I know you’re uncomfortable,” she said finally, in a small voice.
“It’s a narrow bed,” he said.
“No-I know I make you uncomfortable.”
He opened his eyes and looked at her. She could see when he finally truly saw her, pupils widening in the darkness and focusing on hers. “In what way do you mean?” he asked her, and she was glad he didn’t just deny it, didn’t just say ‘no’. Diego understood the importance of communication and knew the value of words. He knew she didn’t like to speak unless she had something to say; and he had become accustomed to living in quiet solitude himself. Neither of them would win awards for loquaciousness.
“I can tell… I pick up… When we’re close together, when we touch… I know you want to do more,” she confessed. “I don’t mean to know it, but I can’t help it. I know it distracts you. Bothers you.”
Even now, she wanted to say but couldn’t quite manage, because her cheeks were already crimson with embarrassment. Sharing a bed together, I know you wish it was more than just sleeping. I don’t even need a gift to know that-your body betrays you when we’re lying here.
“I can’t help it,” he said. “Being attracted to you. The way my body reacts to you. But I can deal with it.”
“I’m sorry to-”
“No,” he said gently but firmly. “Don’t apologize. Please. You’ve done nothing to apologize for. You can’t control the fact that you’re beautiful, or how I’m physically attracted to you. And you can’t change the fact that you’re uninterested with the things my libido would enjoy. Don’t-don’t feel as though you have to compromise to make me happy. Because that isn’t on you.”
“But why should it be on you, then?” Akiko said. “How can I ask you to deny yourself…”
“Akiko, to be perfectly frank, even if you wanted to have sex I’m not sure I’d really know how to go about it. I’ve slept with one woman in my entire life and that happened thanks to an entire bottle of tequila and a very bad night several years ago. I don’t look back on the experience with any sort of fondness and I don’t recall enjoying myself enough to want to try again. I’d much rather hold you like this.”
“But-” …Your body clearly wants to do something, even if your head doesn’t, she finished silently.
“Male anatomy is awkward and unpredictable,” he said with a smile of chagrin. “A strong breeze can be arousing sometimes. And at night... I’m sorry-if it bothers you, I’ll sleep-”
“No,” she said quickly. “Don’t go. Not unless it’s too… frustrating.”
When he made no move to get up and she had relaxed properly, Akiko cleared her throat gingerly. “I was talking to Charlie-”
“Oh,” he said. “I think I see why you’ve been dwelling on this.”
Akiko hesitated. Well, it had made her wonder. Charlie was such a sexual being-you only had to be around her for an hour to realize that-and she was certainly enthusiastic and outspoken about how great sex was. Akiko tried not to think too much on Charlie’s nighttime activities, since they prominently involved her own brother, and there were certain barriers that should never be crossed, gifted or not. But for someone similarly wired, perhaps sex was one of the best things about life. In the past weeks Akiko had inadvertently caught the edge of rather steamy thoughts and desires from not just Charlie, but from Alberto and Genny, even from Annie. It seemed like something was in the air and everyone was suddenly very primed.
Since she had discovered the label that fit her so aptly, Akiko had stopped worrying about whether or not she was normal. She knew there were other people in the world like her who saw sex as unimportant, uncomfortable, or downright distasteful. Plenty would rather read a book than fuck; were fine with holding hands with someone but could never imagine getting to a point where clothes would need to be removed. And that was okay. And she was fine with it.
But now, unexpectedly, she found herself thinking-almost constantly-about someone else. Someone who wasn’t family and wasn’t merely a friend. Someone she cared about very, very much. And when you care about someone, you start to see things from their perspective. You start to worry about how they feel and what they’re thinking. Suddenly sex had become an issue again.
She wanted Diego to be happy in all the ways he could be happy. She wanted him to have all of the things he dreamed of and longed for and desired. But what if, amidst hopes for a world free of the Order’s influence, a chance to stop running, and a secure future, he wanted a physical relationship? She-yes, it was time to acknowledge it-loved him. But could she ever give him that unreservedly? Without feeling uncomfortable and hesitant? Was it right to ask him to commit himself to celibacy for her sake? What if this was an insurmountable difference between them, an incompatibility that would only make them both unhappy given enough time?
“A relationship should be balanced,” she said. “One half can’t take more than the other, can’t expect the other to give more than their due. It’s not right. I can’t ask you to change for my sake.”
“And I can’t ask you to change for mine,” he said amicably. “So it would be best if neither of us changes, at least not on this point.”
She blinked, somewhat confused.
“Yes, I’ll probably always be attracted to you. But you know what I’ve learned? Probably the only good thing I took away from the Order: I don’t have to act on every impulse. I can control myself, because I’m a thinking being. And when I tell you that sex has never been a super alluring prospect, don’t think I’m saying that just to assuage your concerns. I’ve gone through almost my entire life without it and I honestly don’t see how it could improve my life all that much now. Truly, Akiko. It’s no wrench. I don’t feel as if I’m being deprived or punished. Besides: there are plenty of ways to be intimate with someone without having sex.”
Her cheeks began to cool. She felt as though she had just cleared an invisible hurdle, and let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “You’re sure?”
“Absolutely. And I want you to promise me that if you’re ever uncomfortable with something you’ll tell me. Don’t ever let me overstep your boundaries-I don’t want you to feel obligated to please me.”
“Alright,” she said quietly. “And the same goes if I ever make you uncomfortable. If you ever need space.”
“It’s a deal.”
She threaded her fingers between his and squeezed gently. Lifted his hand and turned it to press a kiss to his knuckles. “Hand-holding is good,” she said. “I like your hands.”
He only smiled.
“And when you kiss my forehead-I like that very much.”
“Hugs?”
“Hugging is great,” she said with feeling. “But for years I’ve been afraid to hug people-what if my shields came down, or I saw things I shouldn’t? For the longest time I’ve only let my dad or grandparents hug me.”
“Well, I’ll have to work hard to make up for lost time, then,” he murmured into her hair, arms tightening around her.
“When you hold me,” she said, slightly breathless. “I feel safer than I have in… And when you sleep next to me, just the weight of your body beside me is reassuring. I like to listen to you breathe. I like the way you reach out to touch me in the dark.”
“And kisses?”
“…Sometimes,” she decided after a moment’s thought. She enjoyed the scrape of his beard when he kissed her hands, her cheeks, her forehead. She was vaguely aware that tongues typically came into play during a full kiss and she wasn’t sure how she felt about that. “Maybe just a simple one. On occasion.”
“Alright,” he agreed. “I’ll wait for you to pick those occasions.”
And as the night grew older and the press of time felt heavier, Akiko realized they didn’t really need any physical displays of affection. A hug or a forehead kiss felt wonderful, yes, but so did a mere glance. Diego had eloquent eyes. An expressive mouth. They had become so intuitive together that the smallest change in posture told the other everything. And with her gift…
The average person could tell their friend, lover, spouse, partner all about their past. Pull out pictures or even home movies. Trust that their imagination was good enough to fully paint the scene in their own mind. But she could literally show him her most important memories, the most beautiful places she had seen, the way she truly felt with him in a way that would let him feel it with the same rush she had experienced. He was right: they didn’t need sex to be intimate, to give each other pleasure or an intoxicating thrill. She only had to be herself and unlock the doors around her Empathy-he only had to lower his guard and let her in.
And that felt as natural and easy as breathing.