After all, tomorrow is another day!
So the whole point of posting an entry here is to prolong the inevitable. I have to write two papers this week. One history of theatre 10-12 page paper on the Shakespearean Authorship question and the other introduction to research 12-15 page paper on Benjamin Franklin and his diplomatic life. I'd like to point out that I've done the research for the former, including making the works cited list, and I've got about ten books out from the library for the latter. Yet here I am...
I lack all scholastic ambition. The things that used to matter don't. I'm not sure if I really want them to, but I do still want to do well in school, I just don't want to put in the effort. I've actually rationalized how I could pass my research class without writing the gigantic paper. I already didn't turn in the 8-page rough draft, which was worth only 6% of my grade. The actual paper is worth only 16%, though I don't know how that works out considering that it's the point of the entire course. So that's 22%, or, I'd get a 78% if I have a perfect grade on everything else. I don't. But I do have solid grades on everything else. I wonder: am I guaranteed a C-? Then I think: holy fuck I just asked myself about a C- as if that it was an acceptable grade to get. Would a C- bring down my GPA? I need a 3.25 for my scholarship. I can't believe I've lost all motivation and this is what is left.
I liken my predicament to that of a burnt-out tennis player. Davenport was injuried this year is now at 20 in the world rankings, and will remain so for another 4 weeks in the offseason. In this analogy, I'd only enter tournaments to maintain my place in the top 20, not in search of the coveted world no. 1 ranking. The Williams sisters are also in the same problem. Serena is just barely on this side of the top 100, and needs to start performing if she's going to return to the top. Throughout the fall, she kept withdrawing from tournaments, saying how she's resting up for the 2007 season. I wish I could do the same. Fuck these two papers, my four performance finals, my three other final exams, etc. I want this semester to be over with. I want a month off where I can collect my thoughts, find new motivation, and be the better student that I know I am. Why do papers always kill me? I'm so horrible at writing research papers. I just bullshit unoriginal ideas. I get by. But now I have to actually one two good ones in order to ensure relatively good grades, and I don't want to and don't think I can. Why did I push these things off? Oh god.
I just want to waste time and do nothing. Watch tennis (which I can't, since it's the offseason until January). See movies. Hang out with friends. Travel. Get in shape (haha). I just want to enjoy life. Not work. Not have to think. Do whatever I want to do. Why can't I do this?
I wish I could tell someone this, and they could talk to my teachers about my scholastic burn-out and the semester could be over. But no. Things just keep hitting you week after week and you'd better start getting on top of things or you'll really regret your situation. And by "you" and "your", I mean "I and my". I keep thinking about what will get me through this. What makes you be able to do well once you've lost that ability? How can I get back on top of things? How can I find motivation, besides the whole don't-get-kicked-out-of-college-because-your-life-will-be-over-if-that-happens scare tactic?
On a slightly happier note, I got Motel in Niagara's production of Fiddler on the Roof in April.
I lack all scholastic ambition. The things that used to matter don't. I'm not sure if I really want them to, but I do still want to do well in school, I just don't want to put in the effort. I've actually rationalized how I could pass my research class without writing the gigantic paper. I already didn't turn in the 8-page rough draft, which was worth only 6% of my grade. The actual paper is worth only 16%, though I don't know how that works out considering that it's the point of the entire course. So that's 22%, or, I'd get a 78% if I have a perfect grade on everything else. I don't. But I do have solid grades on everything else. I wonder: am I guaranteed a C-? Then I think: holy fuck I just asked myself about a C- as if that it was an acceptable grade to get. Would a C- bring down my GPA? I need a 3.25 for my scholarship. I can't believe I've lost all motivation and this is what is left.
I liken my predicament to that of a burnt-out tennis player. Davenport was injuried this year is now at 20 in the world rankings, and will remain so for another 4 weeks in the offseason. In this analogy, I'd only enter tournaments to maintain my place in the top 20, not in search of the coveted world no. 1 ranking. The Williams sisters are also in the same problem. Serena is just barely on this side of the top 100, and needs to start performing if she's going to return to the top. Throughout the fall, she kept withdrawing from tournaments, saying how she's resting up for the 2007 season. I wish I could do the same. Fuck these two papers, my four performance finals, my three other final exams, etc. I want this semester to be over with. I want a month off where I can collect my thoughts, find new motivation, and be the better student that I know I am. Why do papers always kill me? I'm so horrible at writing research papers. I just bullshit unoriginal ideas. I get by. But now I have to actually one two good ones in order to ensure relatively good grades, and I don't want to and don't think I can. Why did I push these things off? Oh god.
I just want to waste time and do nothing. Watch tennis (which I can't, since it's the offseason until January). See movies. Hang out with friends. Travel. Get in shape (haha). I just want to enjoy life. Not work. Not have to think. Do whatever I want to do. Why can't I do this?
I wish I could tell someone this, and they could talk to my teachers about my scholastic burn-out and the semester could be over. But no. Things just keep hitting you week after week and you'd better start getting on top of things or you'll really regret your situation. And by "you" and "your", I mean "I and my". I keep thinking about what will get me through this. What makes you be able to do well once you've lost that ability? How can I get back on top of things? How can I find motivation, besides the whole don't-get-kicked-out-of-college-because-your-life-will-be-over-if-that-happens scare tactic?
On a slightly happier note, I got Motel in Niagara's production of Fiddler on the Roof in April.