I want to be alone.
Well it's been a long time. I hate starting off entries like that, but it really has.
I'm back at school. I'm living in "the Apartments" now, which is still on campus, but more like suites. There are six buildings, eight apartments to a building, and each apartment has a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms, and four single bedrooms. They're really nice. It's so much better to have my own room. The odd thing is that I've become more disconnected with all my friends. Sometimes I just like to hang out alone in my room, not even really doing anything, I just relish the time alone. But I miss out on some things, especially since I'm not living at Clet with all those other theatre majors anymore. I suppose it's just a give-and-take thing, but I'm happy with how I am now (and I'm better at getting work done when I can just shut my door and concentrate).
Classes are alright. I have to walk about 10 minutes to get to where all the classrooms are on campus, but that's not too bad given the current weather. When it's starts freezing and snowing, I'll probably feel differently. So, anyway, my Monday-Wednesdays are 9:40-3:50 with the classes stage combat, chemisty and society, introduction to research, and church history I (though no "II" exists, so I don't understand the roman numeral). Tuesday-Thursdays are 9:40-5, with history of theatre, speech, shakespeare, and jazz. On Fridays I have chem and research again from 12:20-2:20. Really, the classes are all easy, I'm getting the work done on time, and I don't feel too much pressure. These feelings make me suspect the education and state of my college though. I thought this was supposed to be hard. Whenever I see people from UB, they're always lamenting the difficulties they face. Is Niagara easy? Is it only easy because I'm a theatre major? I don't want to have a lax education. I miss those high school times when I'd have to do 30 calculus problems each day for homework. I don't have homework like that anymore. That kind is the most gratifying when completed, because you can see all the hard work on the page. With memorizing monologues and reading plays, you have degrees of completion that are very vague. It's all quite odd, and I don't even know if I'm cut out for this theatre thing.
Speaking of which, we had our fall semester auditions a couple weeks ago and I got a bit part in the first play, Vincent in Heaven. I had a good feeling I'd get a small part in said show because it has lots of guy parts, not because I'm any good. My auditions weren't that great, so I really have to work harder towards spring semester ones in order to get a good part. Hopefully that works out well.
In speech we started by making "self-portraits" of ourselves anyway we saw fit. I looked at the aspects of our lives Amanda (all theatre majors call their teachers by their first names) listed-- emotionally, artistically, socially, and spiritually-- and came up with symbols and imagery to illustrate them. I was pretty proud of my artistic imaginings, though I can't draw for shit. Some other people just used pictures of their families and friends, but I was more literal with her instructions. Anyway, it really got me thinking about my life. We were talking about siblings and I thought about Tom and how we don't have that great of a relationship. He gets me really mad with his behavior and how he wastes our parents' money. He was never that nice to me when I was a kid, he never looked out for me and was the cause of many youthful tears. The other day he complained to my mom that I never invited him to see my dorm room or apartment, and I said back to her, "That's bullshit. He's never invited me either." I don't even remember the last show he saw that I was in, and he never inquires as to my general well-being. He calls me "bro", but only usually when saying, "Alright I'm taking off. Bye, bro." We have different interests and are just two totally different people. He laughs at his own jokes way too much, in an annoying way, and I won't ever forget the way I felt treated when I was younger. I'm a competitive person because of him; he gets so mad when he loses. I worked hard in high school so I could get better grades than he did. Isn't that sad? I don't even know if he ever noticed.
And now I've been kind of bummed out because my parents are buying two condos in Montana and Arizona. So now it really feels like they're definitely going to sell my home after I'm done with college, and I'm going to miss it so much. They've lived there since before I was born and now I'm going to lose all those memories and won't be able to come home for Christmas there. Instead I'll have to go to fucking Montana (where the part of my family I don't have anything in common with or interest in lives) or to Arizona where it's warm and never snows. I'm never going to see my Indiana family again, which is the side I feel connected to. There's so much drama with Montana. I have a cousin who had to be adopted by my grandparents when their son couldn't take care of her, then became a junkie, went to jail, got out, had a kid, and now has skipped town, leaving the baby with the dad's parents. She and her dad suck my grandparents' money and my grandma's health is getting worse and worse (I went in early June and don't really want to go back because I felt closure, and I hate Montana). I don't know if when she dies it'll be a relief that she won't be in pain any more, or that I'll regret not going out again. But she knows I love her.
Yesterday night some friends got together for Liz's birthday at Duff's. It was nice to see her and to celebrate her birthday, but everyone was talking about their hard classes and everything they're learning and I feel so disconnected. I'm torn between the ambitious student I used to be and the laid-back guy I am now. To be honest, I enjoyed the motivation of being that student who gave a shit about grades and worked pretty hard to do well. I was accomplishing something. Now I'm around people who make light of work and just want to have fun. Do I want to have fun, or work hard? Can't I do both?
This entry is long enough for now. I'll be back again sometime to keep updating. So, in conclusion, I want to be smart again.
I'm back at school. I'm living in "the Apartments" now, which is still on campus, but more like suites. There are six buildings, eight apartments to a building, and each apartment has a kitchen, living room, two bathrooms, and four single bedrooms. They're really nice. It's so much better to have my own room. The odd thing is that I've become more disconnected with all my friends. Sometimes I just like to hang out alone in my room, not even really doing anything, I just relish the time alone. But I miss out on some things, especially since I'm not living at Clet with all those other theatre majors anymore. I suppose it's just a give-and-take thing, but I'm happy with how I am now (and I'm better at getting work done when I can just shut my door and concentrate).
Classes are alright. I have to walk about 10 minutes to get to where all the classrooms are on campus, but that's not too bad given the current weather. When it's starts freezing and snowing, I'll probably feel differently. So, anyway, my Monday-Wednesdays are 9:40-3:50 with the classes stage combat, chemisty and society, introduction to research, and church history I (though no "II" exists, so I don't understand the roman numeral). Tuesday-Thursdays are 9:40-5, with history of theatre, speech, shakespeare, and jazz. On Fridays I have chem and research again from 12:20-2:20. Really, the classes are all easy, I'm getting the work done on time, and I don't feel too much pressure. These feelings make me suspect the education and state of my college though. I thought this was supposed to be hard. Whenever I see people from UB, they're always lamenting the difficulties they face. Is Niagara easy? Is it only easy because I'm a theatre major? I don't want to have a lax education. I miss those high school times when I'd have to do 30 calculus problems each day for homework. I don't have homework like that anymore. That kind is the most gratifying when completed, because you can see all the hard work on the page. With memorizing monologues and reading plays, you have degrees of completion that are very vague. It's all quite odd, and I don't even know if I'm cut out for this theatre thing.
Speaking of which, we had our fall semester auditions a couple weeks ago and I got a bit part in the first play, Vincent in Heaven. I had a good feeling I'd get a small part in said show because it has lots of guy parts, not because I'm any good. My auditions weren't that great, so I really have to work harder towards spring semester ones in order to get a good part. Hopefully that works out well.
In speech we started by making "self-portraits" of ourselves anyway we saw fit. I looked at the aspects of our lives Amanda (all theatre majors call their teachers by their first names) listed-- emotionally, artistically, socially, and spiritually-- and came up with symbols and imagery to illustrate them. I was pretty proud of my artistic imaginings, though I can't draw for shit. Some other people just used pictures of their families and friends, but I was more literal with her instructions. Anyway, it really got me thinking about my life. We were talking about siblings and I thought about Tom and how we don't have that great of a relationship. He gets me really mad with his behavior and how he wastes our parents' money. He was never that nice to me when I was a kid, he never looked out for me and was the cause of many youthful tears. The other day he complained to my mom that I never invited him to see my dorm room or apartment, and I said back to her, "That's bullshit. He's never invited me either." I don't even remember the last show he saw that I was in, and he never inquires as to my general well-being. He calls me "bro", but only usually when saying, "Alright I'm taking off. Bye, bro." We have different interests and are just two totally different people. He laughs at his own jokes way too much, in an annoying way, and I won't ever forget the way I felt treated when I was younger. I'm a competitive person because of him; he gets so mad when he loses. I worked hard in high school so I could get better grades than he did. Isn't that sad? I don't even know if he ever noticed.
And now I've been kind of bummed out because my parents are buying two condos in Montana and Arizona. So now it really feels like they're definitely going to sell my home after I'm done with college, and I'm going to miss it so much. They've lived there since before I was born and now I'm going to lose all those memories and won't be able to come home for Christmas there. Instead I'll have to go to fucking Montana (where the part of my family I don't have anything in common with or interest in lives) or to Arizona where it's warm and never snows. I'm never going to see my Indiana family again, which is the side I feel connected to. There's so much drama with Montana. I have a cousin who had to be adopted by my grandparents when their son couldn't take care of her, then became a junkie, went to jail, got out, had a kid, and now has skipped town, leaving the baby with the dad's parents. She and her dad suck my grandparents' money and my grandma's health is getting worse and worse (I went in early June and don't really want to go back because I felt closure, and I hate Montana). I don't know if when she dies it'll be a relief that she won't be in pain any more, or that I'll regret not going out again. But she knows I love her.
Yesterday night some friends got together for Liz's birthday at Duff's. It was nice to see her and to celebrate her birthday, but everyone was talking about their hard classes and everything they're learning and I feel so disconnected. I'm torn between the ambitious student I used to be and the laid-back guy I am now. To be honest, I enjoyed the motivation of being that student who gave a shit about grades and worked pretty hard to do well. I was accomplishing something. Now I'm around people who make light of work and just want to have fun. Do I want to have fun, or work hard? Can't I do both?
This entry is long enough for now. I'll be back again sometime to keep updating. So, in conclusion, I want to be smart again.