5 yrs on T
Well, yesterday marked my 5th yr on T. I could bore you all with the usual update, but you all already know my voice has changed, and you've seen my pathetic attempts at a full beard (who knew there is still hair growing this late in the game?). Instead I'm going to share some of what I wrote in my actual journal today, because I think its a million times more useful to those who it matters to.
This is the first time I've sat down to write in a journal port-transition. I decided early on the keeping a journal was a decidedly female thing to do, and since I was transitioning, I absolutely HAD to shun all things feminine. That was 5 yrs ago, and I've learned a lot since then. If anything my transition has taught me that while there are definitely differences between the genders (all of them), that they're way too innate to have anything to do with writing words in a book. Yet even as I sit writing this, I'm wondering if the people in the mall around me are thinking its weird that a guy is writing. I still have a lot to learn. I think about how silly some of the things that we're socialized to assume are, and then I participate willingly. I started my physical transition when I was 19, and I was well prepared for the outcome. I loved my deeper voice and increasingly hairy stomach. I couldn't really do much about my social transition though. Everyone I worked with had known me since I was a kid, and therefore only related to as female, no matter what I did or said, and loved to remind me that I'd never be a real man constantly. My family still only calls me he occasionally, and I've made peace with the fact that that will probably always be the case.I couldn't really socially or mentally until I moved out here. I came out here with the intention of never telling anyone, and thought that it would make me happy to blend in, and never have to think about the word transsexual again. I tried that for awhile, and put up with people I know constantly berating women in front of me, not to mention the things they said about the queers, the whole time not knowing what to say or do, it was, well, and interesting experiment. I was kind of shocked really, I mean, society has a tendency to view males as idiots and/or pigs. But I thought it has to be just another stereotype, because after all, I'm a guy, and I'm not a pig. I have met guys out here that aren't complete assholes, and I've met some who are willing to listen when you talk to them. Its also give me an interesting perspective of the things that women expect from men. I really hate being asked to fix anything that goes wrong at the kiosks around me because I'm the only guy available. I usually can't, and I'm way to lazy to try. So, I found out I can't really keep my mouth shut, and I probably shouldn't anyways.I've gotten various reactions the times I did say something, and I'm sure most of the guys I work with at the mall think I'm weird, and would probably just assume I was gay if it wasn't for Kayte. I came out to someone I work with today, and I don't know exactly whats going to happen because of it, its only the second non-queer person I've voluntarily told in Ohio. I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not yet, but we were talking about trans issues and she spoke with such authority, and was completely wrong, now mind you, she just met her first openly trans person about a month ago, that I couldn't continue the conversation without being like, "oh really? you have no idea, I'm trans"...and so, she exclaimed that she would have never known. Thats how most girls react. Most guys like to beleive that there was something about me that would have tipped them off, one of my friends brothers told me that he would have know,obviously, because his sister (my friend) was a dyke. And so I've learned that theres only so much you can say when you're speaking from a point of view that isn't your own, and my point of view can't be aligned with a straight male identity. I think that the problem I was having was that I felt in order to be male, I must be 100% male, and not deviate from anything "typical", including sexuality and any sort of labels that imply anything but straight. And that wasn't the truth. Transitioning has helped me with my body issues, and I know that surgery with help even more, thats expected. I'm at a point where I feel okay, if not perfect. The thing is, the identity issue is probably always going to be there, I think about it constantly ; every time a tall guy walks up to me at the urinal, I'm afraid he might see my not-penis, every time somebody bugs Kayte or I about having a baby, or the million other awkward conversations where people assume things things about me. So, I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think I'm okay with it , I mean, sometimes I even think my life is better because of it, its definetly made me more aware. I've met some pretty great people, and its made me more sensitive to what other people are going through. The dynamic that Kayte and I have couldn't exist in the same way, we wouldn't be able to go from butch/fem to fag/fem in no time flat, and I love everything about our relationship as it is now. I feel like I could probably write 10 pages about positive things my transition has brought me. So, is it really that bad?
This is the first time I've sat down to write in a journal port-transition. I decided early on the keeping a journal was a decidedly female thing to do, and since I was transitioning, I absolutely HAD to shun all things feminine. That was 5 yrs ago, and I've learned a lot since then. If anything my transition has taught me that while there are definitely differences between the genders (all of them), that they're way too innate to have anything to do with writing words in a book. Yet even as I sit writing this, I'm wondering if the people in the mall around me are thinking its weird that a guy is writing. I still have a lot to learn. I think about how silly some of the things that we're socialized to assume are, and then I participate willingly. I started my physical transition when I was 19, and I was well prepared for the outcome. I loved my deeper voice and increasingly hairy stomach. I couldn't really do much about my social transition though. Everyone I worked with had known me since I was a kid, and therefore only related to as female, no matter what I did or said, and loved to remind me that I'd never be a real man constantly. My family still only calls me he occasionally, and I've made peace with the fact that that will probably always be the case.I couldn't really socially or mentally until I moved out here. I came out here with the intention of never telling anyone, and thought that it would make me happy to blend in, and never have to think about the word transsexual again. I tried that for awhile, and put up with people I know constantly berating women in front of me, not to mention the things they said about the queers, the whole time not knowing what to say or do, it was, well, and interesting experiment. I was kind of shocked really, I mean, society has a tendency to view males as idiots and/or pigs. But I thought it has to be just another stereotype, because after all, I'm a guy, and I'm not a pig. I have met guys out here that aren't complete assholes, and I've met some who are willing to listen when you talk to them. Its also give me an interesting perspective of the things that women expect from men. I really hate being asked to fix anything that goes wrong at the kiosks around me because I'm the only guy available. I usually can't, and I'm way to lazy to try. So, I found out I can't really keep my mouth shut, and I probably shouldn't anyways.I've gotten various reactions the times I did say something, and I'm sure most of the guys I work with at the mall think I'm weird, and would probably just assume I was gay if it wasn't for Kayte. I came out to someone I work with today, and I don't know exactly whats going to happen because of it, its only the second non-queer person I've voluntarily told in Ohio. I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not yet, but we were talking about trans issues and she spoke with such authority, and was completely wrong, now mind you, she just met her first openly trans person about a month ago, that I couldn't continue the conversation without being like, "oh really? you have no idea, I'm trans"...and so, she exclaimed that she would have never known. Thats how most girls react. Most guys like to beleive that there was something about me that would have tipped them off, one of my friends brothers told me that he would have know,obviously, because his sister (my friend) was a dyke. And so I've learned that theres only so much you can say when you're speaking from a point of view that isn't your own, and my point of view can't be aligned with a straight male identity. I think that the problem I was having was that I felt in order to be male, I must be 100% male, and not deviate from anything "typical", including sexuality and any sort of labels that imply anything but straight. And that wasn't the truth. Transitioning has helped me with my body issues, and I know that surgery with help even more, thats expected. I'm at a point where I feel okay, if not perfect. The thing is, the identity issue is probably always going to be there, I think about it constantly ; every time a tall guy walks up to me at the urinal, I'm afraid he might see my not-penis, every time somebody bugs Kayte or I about having a baby, or the million other awkward conversations where people assume things things about me. So, I've been thinking a lot about it, and I think I'm okay with it , I mean, sometimes I even think my life is better because of it, its definetly made me more aware. I've met some pretty great people, and its made me more sensitive to what other people are going through. The dynamic that Kayte and I have couldn't exist in the same way, we wouldn't be able to go from butch/fem to fag/fem in no time flat, and I love everything about our relationship as it is now. I feel like I could probably write 10 pages about positive things my transition has brought me. So, is it really that bad?