ugh... The Beautiful Fat girl.
I worry about how other people describe me. Am I "the heavyset girl?" "Larger?" "Overweight"? "Kinda big"? Am I, god forbid, "chunky"?
I look at other fat people and wonder if I am as fat, more fat, or less fat than they are. I look at hugely obese people and feel superior to them, until I remember I may one day become them. I wonder if I look as uncomfortable in my own skin.
I divide the world into Thin and Not Thin. I feel solidarity with the Not Thin, and vague distrust of the Thin.
I aam hyperaware of every fat character on TV or in movies or in books. I see how they are portrayed-- lonely, desperate, and marginal. The rare positive portrayal makes me feel amazed and grateful. It feels like a reprieve.
I hate how the words "fat" and "ugly" are so often synonymous. I almost like the phrase "fat and ugly" because it implies the possibility of "fat and beautiful."
My thin friend breaks up with someone and I don't really feel sorry for her. I know that you're the "fat friend" and she's the "skinny girl." It's the fat friend who can never get a date; the skinny girl can have whoever she wants. She gets Hugh Grant, and I'd be lucky to get Nick Nolte.
I know that no matter if you have "such a pretty face" or "a good personality," the majority of people won't look past your double chin and your flabby arms to figure that out.
I am the only one who seems to notice that Nicole Kidman looks like a chicken.
I used to browse personals ads, and every guy who specifies his preference for "slender" women (or "in-shape" or "athletic") makes me feel rejected. Every guy who says he wants a larger woman, I suspect of being a creepy fat fetishist. I know that no normal guy wants somebody just like me.
I hate Carnie Wilson. I hate every magazine article featuring Carnie fucking Wilson and how thin she is and how pretty she looks and how much she loves herself now. I think to yourself, "weight loss surgery is such a cop-out."
And then I think, "I wish I could afford it."
I cringe every time I'm about to look at photos of myself. I know what's coming--the inevitable picture where I look like an enormous cow and my friends say, "Oh, what a great picture of you!"
I worry about things that nobody else worries about. Fitting inside the booth at dinner. Being too fat for the amusement park rides. Sitting on my friend's couch and hearing a funny noise. Not being able to climb out of the backseat of a tiny car. Chafing.
Skinny people who complain about how they need to lose five pounds? I hate them. Slightly overweight people complaining about how fat they are? I hate them. I know it's irrational. I hate them anyway.
I feel uncomfortable anytime you hear a fat joke. I feel like it happens constantly. I feel like fat jokes are an acceptable form of cruelty. I see them everywhere.
People say things to me all the time. People yell, "Jenny Craig!" and "Wilson Phillips!" at me on the street. Little kids say, "Mommy, that lady's fat!" Even in foreign countries where fat is more acceptable, you hear, "You're a very beautiful lady but how much do you weigh?!" The worst part is, I'm never alone when it happens. Other people hear it too, and all I can do is pretend like hell I didn't hear a thing. And I know my friends are standing there thinking, "I hope she didn't hear that..."
Then later I wish you had told them off. I wish I had turned to them and said, "Oh, are you saying I'm fat? Oh my god! I'm FAT?? I had NO IDEA! Thank god you were here to enlighten me!" Or maybe just ask them very quietly, "Why did you just say that? Was that supposed to be funny? How is that funny?" Or even an offhand, "Fuck you, asshole!" Maybe said with a laugh, like you don't even care.
I never see a body like mine portrayed as sexy or attractive. Not anywhere. Not by anyone. I stopped believing I am sexy or attractive.
I hate anything that calls attention to my size. Trying on friends' clothes, putting on seat belts and having to adjust them, a muscular friend who can pick me up but can't lift me very far off the ground. A dozen things a day, it seems.
I hate to eat or drink in front of anyone. I am afraid I will be judged as pathetic if I eat a salad, or a disgusting pig if I eat a cheeseburger. All I know is, my choices will be judged. I'm fat. Food is my enemy.
I wish I were invisible.
I look at other fat people and wonder if I am as fat, more fat, or less fat than they are. I look at hugely obese people and feel superior to them, until I remember I may one day become them. I wonder if I look as uncomfortable in my own skin.
I divide the world into Thin and Not Thin. I feel solidarity with the Not Thin, and vague distrust of the Thin.
I aam hyperaware of every fat character on TV or in movies or in books. I see how they are portrayed-- lonely, desperate, and marginal. The rare positive portrayal makes me feel amazed and grateful. It feels like a reprieve.
I hate how the words "fat" and "ugly" are so often synonymous. I almost like the phrase "fat and ugly" because it implies the possibility of "fat and beautiful."
My thin friend breaks up with someone and I don't really feel sorry for her. I know that you're the "fat friend" and she's the "skinny girl." It's the fat friend who can never get a date; the skinny girl can have whoever she wants. She gets Hugh Grant, and I'd be lucky to get Nick Nolte.
I know that no matter if you have "such a pretty face" or "a good personality," the majority of people won't look past your double chin and your flabby arms to figure that out.
I am the only one who seems to notice that Nicole Kidman looks like a chicken.
I used to browse personals ads, and every guy who specifies his preference for "slender" women (or "in-shape" or "athletic") makes me feel rejected. Every guy who says he wants a larger woman, I suspect of being a creepy fat fetishist. I know that no normal guy wants somebody just like me.
I hate Carnie Wilson. I hate every magazine article featuring Carnie fucking Wilson and how thin she is and how pretty she looks and how much she loves herself now. I think to yourself, "weight loss surgery is such a cop-out."
And then I think, "I wish I could afford it."
I cringe every time I'm about to look at photos of myself. I know what's coming--the inevitable picture where I look like an enormous cow and my friends say, "Oh, what a great picture of you!"
I worry about things that nobody else worries about. Fitting inside the booth at dinner. Being too fat for the amusement park rides. Sitting on my friend's couch and hearing a funny noise. Not being able to climb out of the backseat of a tiny car. Chafing.
Skinny people who complain about how they need to lose five pounds? I hate them. Slightly overweight people complaining about how fat they are? I hate them. I know it's irrational. I hate them anyway.
I feel uncomfortable anytime you hear a fat joke. I feel like it happens constantly. I feel like fat jokes are an acceptable form of cruelty. I see them everywhere.
People say things to me all the time. People yell, "Jenny Craig!" and "Wilson Phillips!" at me on the street. Little kids say, "Mommy, that lady's fat!" Even in foreign countries where fat is more acceptable, you hear, "You're a very beautiful lady but how much do you weigh?!" The worst part is, I'm never alone when it happens. Other people hear it too, and all I can do is pretend like hell I didn't hear a thing. And I know my friends are standing there thinking, "I hope she didn't hear that..."
Then later I wish you had told them off. I wish I had turned to them and said, "Oh, are you saying I'm fat? Oh my god! I'm FAT?? I had NO IDEA! Thank god you were here to enlighten me!" Or maybe just ask them very quietly, "Why did you just say that? Was that supposed to be funny? How is that funny?" Or even an offhand, "Fuck you, asshole!" Maybe said with a laugh, like you don't even care.
I never see a body like mine portrayed as sexy or attractive. Not anywhere. Not by anyone. I stopped believing I am sexy or attractive.
I hate anything that calls attention to my size. Trying on friends' clothes, putting on seat belts and having to adjust them, a muscular friend who can pick me up but can't lift me very far off the ground. A dozen things a day, it seems.
I hate to eat or drink in front of anyone. I am afraid I will be judged as pathetic if I eat a salad, or a disgusting pig if I eat a cheeseburger. All I know is, my choices will be judged. I'm fat. Food is my enemy.
I wish I were invisible.