You can call it another lonely day..
Thijs has someone new, and I do not know how to feel. I mean I was over him, I was feeling strong, and I still felt that way when he told me, but then.. Somehow now I have some sadness getting over me. And just today I realised that I miss him, well, what he was, or what he meant to me, but also just who he is, I don't know. And I miss being loved. And somewhere I felt like I could never love someone again, like the feeling love was erased out of my body and I felt so empty. And I know I will probably love again, and I am not desperate until I am loved again, but I know I don't want to be alone for years.
Somewhere it still hurts though. I don't want to suddenly feel all unimportant, like I meant nothing. I know I meant a lot to him, I know I will have a special place in his heart. And I want to be his friend, want to be his 'sister', but it still hurts. I somewhere felt we wouldn't get back together and I had made things understandable for myself, and I did not really want him back. Sometimes I dreamt about him coming back to me and I always accepted it, although somewhere it didn't feel right. Tonight I dreamt about him again, after 2 weeks or something of not dreaming about him, and I dreamt we had kissed and it felt so wrong and I woke up all confused. But it still always hurts to hear him loving someone else. I mean, I somewhere feel he should feel sorry for leaving what we had behind, because he knows I gave him much and I did a lot for him. He doesn't have to regret it, I just want him to still realise that I am not nothing, that I was important to him, I want him to realise that I am a nice girl, a beautiful girl, for what I am, for what I meant to him.
And you see, I miss being loved. I miss someone noticing me. I can do things on my own, I really can, and I often feel proud of myself realising that. But it's not like you do not miss the touch, the feelings, the little butterflies.
I know I shall get over this, I know I was so far, and I was over this, but this put me some steps back. Just thinking about his room and how we used to be there and him sharing all that with someone else now. And that he kisses her now. That she is now his protection angel in his head. It hurts you see. And to think that Thomas might be all enthousiastic over her, like he used to when he first got to know me. Stupid little things, I know. I know it is me who matters, but you can't help but look back at your past from time to time.
I just want someone to notice me for who I am. Not for when I have changed many things that I might be noticed, I want someone to say: Hey, you are a nice girl, even though you might have this or this that isn't great about you, but we can figure it out. You are nice for who you are. I don't want to change for people. And you see, I need to build up new friendships. I want to be friends with Thijs, Thomas, Jorien, Mette, some others, but I need to find new people too. I guess I really need to.
Somewhere it still hurts though. I don't want to suddenly feel all unimportant, like I meant nothing. I know I meant a lot to him, I know I will have a special place in his heart. And I want to be his friend, want to be his 'sister', but it still hurts. I somewhere felt we wouldn't get back together and I had made things understandable for myself, and I did not really want him back. Sometimes I dreamt about him coming back to me and I always accepted it, although somewhere it didn't feel right. Tonight I dreamt about him again, after 2 weeks or something of not dreaming about him, and I dreamt we had kissed and it felt so wrong and I woke up all confused. But it still always hurts to hear him loving someone else. I mean, I somewhere feel he should feel sorry for leaving what we had behind, because he knows I gave him much and I did a lot for him. He doesn't have to regret it, I just want him to still realise that I am not nothing, that I was important to him, I want him to realise that I am a nice girl, a beautiful girl, for what I am, for what I meant to him.
And you see, I miss being loved. I miss someone noticing me. I can do things on my own, I really can, and I often feel proud of myself realising that. But it's not like you do not miss the touch, the feelings, the little butterflies.
I know I shall get over this, I know I was so far, and I was over this, but this put me some steps back. Just thinking about his room and how we used to be there and him sharing all that with someone else now. And that he kisses her now. That she is now his protection angel in his head. It hurts you see. And to think that Thomas might be all enthousiastic over her, like he used to when he first got to know me. Stupid little things, I know. I know it is me who matters, but you can't help but look back at your past from time to time.
I just want someone to notice me for who I am. Not for when I have changed many things that I might be noticed, I want someone to say: Hey, you are a nice girl, even though you might have this or this that isn't great about you, but we can figure it out. You are nice for who you are. I don't want to change for people. And you see, I need to build up new friendships. I want to be friends with Thijs, Thomas, Jorien, Mette, some others, but I need to find new people too. I guess I really need to.