Mar 18, 2004 14:56
There is a church ceremony for my grandmother tonight, followed by another church ceremony tomorrow and her funeral. I suspect it will be very heavy and emotional for me, even more for my father and the more involved family.
I never saw my father cry, even my mom never saw him cry, until she was with him Tuesday when they had to gather songs and poenms etc for the ceremony. My dad says that he finds it hard to show his emotions, but that he feels that with this he should let that go and show his tears. I don't know how I'll react to seeing my father cry. I know I will probably cry a lot too though. I am really sensitive for this sort of things happening.
I've had an extreme tension in my legs for days now, it's only getting worse or so it seems. It also makes me pretty unable to sleep, because I constantly feel my legs hurting. Today at school I couldn't concentrate at all because of them, but a friend gave me some strong aspirine and that seems to work for now. It feels really good to not have to bother with those legs for some time.
I hope I'll get a hand of my sister or my mom to hold during all the things happening soon, because i'll probably feel better that way. But I don't want to do what I want, I want to do what feels good for them too.
Saturday I'll have to work in the morning, which I'm not at all looking forward to, but I have to at least try now, because my mom brought me a trouser specially for a job etc, so | have to try. And maybe in the end it w'n't really be that bad, I don't know. That afternoon I'll see Thijs, and that's something I really want to do now too. I've missed him, although he's been really sweet lately. It's pretty weird, because in this sort of emotional periods and with my grandmother, I do not really know if I should show my feelings for him, because it might be found inappropriate. On the other hand, I am the kind of person to need love and support during periods like this & I'm still feeling my love for him, just not in the most joyful manner, because of the emotions for my grandmother. But when I talk to him he's nice and sweet and he shows that that is alright to feel and that he doesn't mind.
Iris