Soap Bubble Barriers
Having a lot of revelations lately, changing my life and what I choose to put into it. The advantage to "losing" everything, is that you get to create your world from the inside out, the very atoms of it. It's been a journey, and I think I'm out of the black hole of life implosion and starting to move into explosive creativity. Almost. Breaks in that momentum are excruciating, and I jumped forward three steps yesterday only to fall two steps back. I'm working hard to see that this still means one figurative step forward on the journey, but this morning as I'm coughing up quarters and using up laundry supplies to wash yesterday's sheets, it feels like a literal step backwards.
Been working a lot on getting my own sense of self settled, accepting me for who I really am (who ever that might be, even I don't fully know yet), learning to nurture myself and befriend myself. If there is one huge lesson I've learned over the last few years of loss, abandonment and shitty choices, it's that the only relationship that truly lasts your entire life, that is FOREVER, is the one you have with yourself. Everyone dies, everyone changes and grows, life shakes us up and forces us to alter where we live, who we talk to, what we do...the only person who will be with you every step of the journey is you.
Maybe some of this is completely obvious to most of you, you're thinking, 'hell, lady, I learned this in 7th grade.' Yeah. I hope you did. We all should have. (I didn't, so no shame if you didn't either.) Yet, I look around at the people in my world and I see that almost no one lives their life with this reality at their core. So, I'll be the class dork here, stating the fucking obvious until we can all live it a little better.
What this revelation has meant to me, finally understanding that I will be with me every step of my journey and that NO ONE ELSE can be--it's not just unlikely, it's completely impossible--means that instead of relying on someone else to meet my needs, I'm finally shouldering that burden fully myself. That doesn't mean I can't look to another for temporary nurturing or fun or companionship. It just means that that those moments with others, and whatever they bring to our interactions, are temporary. They are bonus extras to be savored and appreciated. They are but fleeting gifts.
As such, respect them. Honor them. Embrace them...then let them go with gratitude.
The job of taking care of me, of nurturing and feeding and getting my needs met--these are fully my responsibility. No one else knows the discomfort I feel when my socks bunch up under my feet, that it makes me cranky and liable to bite someone's head off for saying hello. Shoot, some days, even I don't know that's what is making me a bundle of raw, exposed nerves. Still, I have to monitor these things very carefully. No one can do it for me, no one can fix it for me, and no one can walk in those socks for me.
Seems obvious when we're talking about socks, but we could just as easily turn the topic into sex or self-respect or self-esteem or happiness.
I'm a little tired today because I asked the universe to kick my ass. I asked to make progress on this shit, recognized the pattern of not being able to advocate for myself or my own boundaries very effectively--got terrified with the prospect of being met with the same old pattern in my relationships, got the courage to finally face them and NOW they are surfacing and putting my resolve to the test.
So...I brushed off the online dating profile and decided to start asserting boundaries on interpersonal relationships. At the same time, I'm working to find and speak those boundaries as a Massage Therapist (because people aren't just weird about sex on the table, some want other shit for 'free' or other inappropriate exchanges). And in my friendships, a couple people are really upset with me for not allowing them to use me to forward their own self-victimization and martyrdom. Needless to say, those people aren't very happy with me.
On the dating front, I immediately picked up a guy with exceedingly hot guns--who can't seem to master the concept of "listen to my words, I'm not stuttering, I do not talk on the phone." On the massage front, I gave this woman the benefit of the doubt when everyone else at the spa had labeled her: bitch out to whinge her way into free services. She took advantage of my faith in her--and as I worked on her for free, not only for the allotted hour, but an extra half hour because she somehow missed me doing her arms the FIRST time, I started to get really pissed off. I did draw the boundary, I did kick her out nicely and educated her--directly and dispassionately. But it's eating at me as I'm dropping quarters to wash the sheets she dirtied. I didn't just work on her whinging ass for free--it actually cost me something.
I guess that is the lesson. I'm pretty good at establishing the boundary. I'm still learning that it needs to be maintained. I'm famous for drawing the line, allowing an inch over and then letting it get plowed over by a mile. Then I'm left wondering...what the fuck? How did this happen? Did I stutter when I said...? No. I didn't stutter. And I might have been heard, at least at first.
So...here I am, recovering from these layered life lessons, these patterns, trying to figure out the best way through them that properly takes care of me, without turning me into a completely heartless bitch. In the end, I would like to get to know the guy with the guns (unlikely at this point, but hey, it was nice to think about for a day or so). I would like my massage client to leave happy with me--but not if it causes me frustration and distress, or costs me more than the benefits I receive out of the deal. I wish my martyr friend could see that encouraging them to take their own responsibility for their actions and live in the current moment was truly a loving and supportive statement--far more than the support of their drama ever could have been.
Part of me wants to say, eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Which is my way of saying I'm not hurt by having to leave these people behind or walk on in my journey without them--without a second thought. Their loss. But another part of me wonders if there isn't more I can do before we get to sayonara. There are a lot of people looking to others to fill their gaps and make them whole, walking away from every single one of them for not listening or for wanting something for nothing or for looking to you for unquestioning validation...well, that's going to require a hell of a lot of walking away. I'll need a lot more shoes.
I think it comes down to thinking of boundaries as more fluid than black or white. Certain things are non-negotiable, sure. But I think my flawed thinking of setting them once and letting them be is what gets me into trouble. I don't like the idea of building a fortress of five foot walls and immovable barricades around myself. Today, I'll focus on the fragile rainbow surface of a soap bubble: malleable, flexible, transparent and something that needs constant re-creation.
Been working a lot on getting my own sense of self settled, accepting me for who I really am (who ever that might be, even I don't fully know yet), learning to nurture myself and befriend myself. If there is one huge lesson I've learned over the last few years of loss, abandonment and shitty choices, it's that the only relationship that truly lasts your entire life, that is FOREVER, is the one you have with yourself. Everyone dies, everyone changes and grows, life shakes us up and forces us to alter where we live, who we talk to, what we do...the only person who will be with you every step of the journey is you.
Maybe some of this is completely obvious to most of you, you're thinking, 'hell, lady, I learned this in 7th grade.' Yeah. I hope you did. We all should have. (I didn't, so no shame if you didn't either.) Yet, I look around at the people in my world and I see that almost no one lives their life with this reality at their core. So, I'll be the class dork here, stating the fucking obvious until we can all live it a little better.
What this revelation has meant to me, finally understanding that I will be with me every step of my journey and that NO ONE ELSE can be--it's not just unlikely, it's completely impossible--means that instead of relying on someone else to meet my needs, I'm finally shouldering that burden fully myself. That doesn't mean I can't look to another for temporary nurturing or fun or companionship. It just means that that those moments with others, and whatever they bring to our interactions, are temporary. They are bonus extras to be savored and appreciated. They are but fleeting gifts.
As such, respect them. Honor them. Embrace them...then let them go with gratitude.
The job of taking care of me, of nurturing and feeding and getting my needs met--these are fully my responsibility. No one else knows the discomfort I feel when my socks bunch up under my feet, that it makes me cranky and liable to bite someone's head off for saying hello. Shoot, some days, even I don't know that's what is making me a bundle of raw, exposed nerves. Still, I have to monitor these things very carefully. No one can do it for me, no one can fix it for me, and no one can walk in those socks for me.
Seems obvious when we're talking about socks, but we could just as easily turn the topic into sex or self-respect or self-esteem or happiness.
I'm a little tired today because I asked the universe to kick my ass. I asked to make progress on this shit, recognized the pattern of not being able to advocate for myself or my own boundaries very effectively--got terrified with the prospect of being met with the same old pattern in my relationships, got the courage to finally face them and NOW they are surfacing and putting my resolve to the test.
So...I brushed off the online dating profile and decided to start asserting boundaries on interpersonal relationships. At the same time, I'm working to find and speak those boundaries as a Massage Therapist (because people aren't just weird about sex on the table, some want other shit for 'free' or other inappropriate exchanges). And in my friendships, a couple people are really upset with me for not allowing them to use me to forward their own self-victimization and martyrdom. Needless to say, those people aren't very happy with me.
On the dating front, I immediately picked up a guy with exceedingly hot guns--who can't seem to master the concept of "listen to my words, I'm not stuttering, I do not talk on the phone." On the massage front, I gave this woman the benefit of the doubt when everyone else at the spa had labeled her: bitch out to whinge her way into free services. She took advantage of my faith in her--and as I worked on her for free, not only for the allotted hour, but an extra half hour because she somehow missed me doing her arms the FIRST time, I started to get really pissed off. I did draw the boundary, I did kick her out nicely and educated her--directly and dispassionately. But it's eating at me as I'm dropping quarters to wash the sheets she dirtied. I didn't just work on her whinging ass for free--it actually cost me something.
I guess that is the lesson. I'm pretty good at establishing the boundary. I'm still learning that it needs to be maintained. I'm famous for drawing the line, allowing an inch over and then letting it get plowed over by a mile. Then I'm left wondering...what the fuck? How did this happen? Did I stutter when I said...? No. I didn't stutter. And I might have been heard, at least at first.
So...here I am, recovering from these layered life lessons, these patterns, trying to figure out the best way through them that properly takes care of me, without turning me into a completely heartless bitch. In the end, I would like to get to know the guy with the guns (unlikely at this point, but hey, it was nice to think about for a day or so). I would like my massage client to leave happy with me--but not if it causes me frustration and distress, or costs me more than the benefits I receive out of the deal. I wish my martyr friend could see that encouraging them to take their own responsibility for their actions and live in the current moment was truly a loving and supportive statement--far more than the support of their drama ever could have been.
Part of me wants to say, eh, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke. Which is my way of saying I'm not hurt by having to leave these people behind or walk on in my journey without them--without a second thought. Their loss. But another part of me wonders if there isn't more I can do before we get to sayonara. There are a lot of people looking to others to fill their gaps and make them whole, walking away from every single one of them for not listening or for wanting something for nothing or for looking to you for unquestioning validation...well, that's going to require a hell of a lot of walking away. I'll need a lot more shoes.
I think it comes down to thinking of boundaries as more fluid than black or white. Certain things are non-negotiable, sure. But I think my flawed thinking of setting them once and letting them be is what gets me into trouble. I don't like the idea of building a fortress of five foot walls and immovable barricades around myself. Today, I'll focus on the fragile rainbow surface of a soap bubble: malleable, flexible, transparent and something that needs constant re-creation.