Sitting in the Void that comes after a cry
Today's been a hard day. It really shouldn't be, but it is. My 30th birthday and I've already spent too much of it in my room crying. Not so much for the birthday but for hormones and still waiting on the baby. Completely irrational, but it's not something I can really help at the moment. I know I set myself up, especially after being in false labor for 12 hours yesterday, but I was really wanting her to come today at the latest. Doesn't seem like that's going to happen. At least I'll have my mom here tonight.
The doctor was so positive today, despite being late and having me sitting in the office half-naked under a paper sheet for an hour with a fidgety three-year-old and husband. She said the false labor episode did do something: it pushed me from 2 cm to 3, just about 4cm. She said it's very close and to try not to stress. She said if I wanted she would induce me tonight, but when I started talking to her about the options, her eyes widened and she gave my arm a squeeze saying, "Your face: you look so apprehensive! Don't feel like you have to do anything, ok? We can take this at any pace you want; I just want you to know you have all the options available to you." It was nice to have that concern, because I'm just not sold on induction for selfish, non-medical reasons. But, as she pointed out, with as swollen as my right leg is and a slightly rising (yet rising) BP, she doesn't think going to 41 weeks would be the best plan.
So right now we've agreed to meet on Monday morning, see where I am, and schedule induction from there...if I even make it that far. If I decide during the week that I just want to have her, I can call her and go right to the hospital and she'll have them start the induction process. The option is very helpful, but I'm so stressed about this. I don't make decisions well as a rule; having the baby come on her own relieves me of having to make one and I'd rather she get on with that.
It's pretty tense around the house today, I think because my stress levels aren't giving me the ability to act as Calming Influence to the rest of the house. Alex is bounding off the walls after being cooped up in the doc's office, and A is stressing about money and Alex's boundless destructive energy, and I'm stressed between the baby and being sad that my 30th birthday isn't the big event I'd hoped it would be. Even if I had to be at work, I'd still have cake and smiles and well wishes that weren't prompted by a Facebook reminder. I do appreciate the wishes, but the whole day just feels like a let down, and my hormones make me feel guilty about feeling that way while A is trying so hard to make the day nice for me. Maybe I'll go downstairs and knit if my hands will allow it, or sew up that pretty skirt that I made but never finished...just something to occupy my thoughts and pull me out of that empty feeling I get when I'm depressed.
The doctor was so positive today, despite being late and having me sitting in the office half-naked under a paper sheet for an hour with a fidgety three-year-old and husband. She said the false labor episode did do something: it pushed me from 2 cm to 3, just about 4cm. She said it's very close and to try not to stress. She said if I wanted she would induce me tonight, but when I started talking to her about the options, her eyes widened and she gave my arm a squeeze saying, "Your face: you look so apprehensive! Don't feel like you have to do anything, ok? We can take this at any pace you want; I just want you to know you have all the options available to you." It was nice to have that concern, because I'm just not sold on induction for selfish, non-medical reasons. But, as she pointed out, with as swollen as my right leg is and a slightly rising (yet rising) BP, she doesn't think going to 41 weeks would be the best plan.
So right now we've agreed to meet on Monday morning, see where I am, and schedule induction from there...if I even make it that far. If I decide during the week that I just want to have her, I can call her and go right to the hospital and she'll have them start the induction process. The option is very helpful, but I'm so stressed about this. I don't make decisions well as a rule; having the baby come on her own relieves me of having to make one and I'd rather she get on with that.
It's pretty tense around the house today, I think because my stress levels aren't giving me the ability to act as Calming Influence to the rest of the house. Alex is bounding off the walls after being cooped up in the doc's office, and A is stressing about money and Alex's boundless destructive energy, and I'm stressed between the baby and being sad that my 30th birthday isn't the big event I'd hoped it would be. Even if I had to be at work, I'd still have cake and smiles and well wishes that weren't prompted by a Facebook reminder. I do appreciate the wishes, but the whole day just feels like a let down, and my hormones make me feel guilty about feeling that way while A is trying so hard to make the day nice for me. Maybe I'll go downstairs and knit if my hands will allow it, or sew up that pretty skirt that I made but never finished...just something to occupy my thoughts and pull me out of that empty feeling I get when I'm depressed.