I love the world for being strange
I was so excited when I heard the Lightning Seeds were releasing a new album, and of course I bought it straight away. I liked it for nostalgia's sake, but the only song I still listen to from it is I Still Feel The Same, though listening to it feels a bit of a lie, since I don't still feel the same.
Now there's plenty of songs I can't relate to and still like but this is a little different. The Lightning Seeds were my first favourite band. Before Jimmy Eat World, before Brand New, before The Appleseed Cast, Funeral for a Friend, Hell is for Heroes, Feeder and Cast. The Lightning Seeds are the very first band where I took the lyrics and fit them to my life, the first time music became personal.
It's a very bittersweet song to me, I Still Feel The Same. On the one hand there's no clearer sign of separation from youth and there's definitely a sense of loss there but on the other hand noticing the change I see that I am much happier with who I am now than who I was then. I'm still not where I need to be and sure I still feel a little disconnected - particularly when it comes to what I'll optimistically term my love life - but I'm getting there.
Monday night gaming is now alternating between James' Geist game and my own dark fairytale Robin Hood game. You would not be entirely incorrect if you were to accuse me of staying up until gone 2am the other night writing backstory for my Geist character. I know far more about him than I do about Robin Hood. I've got this fairly rich setting in my head, but I haven't yet worked any stories into it. To begin with it'll be quite simple while we all learn the rules and I try to remember how to run a game.
No, you know what, I'm not going to change topic. Let's go with analysing my lack of girlfriend and explaining what I mean by disconnected. I might delete this paragraph before posting, but usually when I write a sentance like this it means I won't. I'm not even sure many people still read this. It's so much longer than twitter and I update less than half as often as I used to. Not that I really post to twitter that much either (follow me @Novander).
Right, so I have had two actual proper definite girlfriends, one relationship that fell apart after two weeks and one girl I got drunk with and kissed on a sort of nightly basis for three weeks or so. In between these I've flailed between two extremes: 1. Aching loneliness when the girl of my dreams, my true love, the one, is seeing some other guy who is invariably not good enough for her. 2. Aching loneliness when I have no crush and I look at my life, my work, my hobbies, my social circles and realise that I am not only alone now but will be so forever more.
This is not melodramatic, over the top, stereotypical whiny it's always raining and I love My Chemical Romance emo livejournal crap. These are the two absolute extremes and I do flit between them but 99% of the time I'm somewhere inbetween where it's warm and comfortable and I don't mind that I'm currently single or maybe that girl I like might like me back I just haven't asked yet. Also, I do love My Chemical Romance's first album and selected other works by them and listen to them in many different moods.
Right now, for the record, I'm down on the alone now and forever more end of the scale. Not right at the extreme, just hovering around that end. I don't want you to go away thinking I'm depressed or down or even a little bit sad at the moment. My love life is the most disappointing aspect of my life but it's not currently an important part. I lie awake at night worrying about job security, what I'm going to do when the last of my friends leave Norwich, why don't I even try writing anything anymore? Could I actually win a fight with a bear? Would losing said fight be okay if by doing so I saved the world or at least the life of one tiny child carrying an ironic teddy bear? Who was that guy from that film and where do I recognise him from? The one that keeps me up most often is "man what is that song I used to listen to that I can't remember the lyrics to or how the tune goes but I know the feeling it evoked?" I really want to listen to that song. Anyway. I don't lie awake thinking about the distant girls.
I don't want to go out with anyone that works at the cinema. I mean, there's no one specific but also more generally I'd prefer to meet a girl outside of there. However, I hang out with non-Odeon people less and less and my only real social group outside the cinema are my gaming group and through them, the messed up crazy world of Gamessoc. Also my biggest passion these days is film, and you'd think a cinema would be the right place for that.
I returned to not going out so much. It's not a state I like. One of the things that drew me to Carrie, looking back, is that when we were friends there were parties all the time or we ate chinese and watched films or whatever; there was always something happening and I liked that. But we wanted different things: she wanted a boyfriend and I wanted a girlfriend. Clearly it was never going to work.
I've got this box of mints lying on the desk next to my keyboard. It is full of billions of the smallest, strongest mints in existence. I'm tearing through these like some sort of addict. I bet even the neighbours can smell how nice my breath is right now.
Disconnected. I can be a bit of a loner. I don't avoid people but sometimes, for example, I'll get home from work and see all the lights are off and it's like awesome, house to myself. And then of course I get in and there's these two cats there treating me like the best person in the world until I actually get around to feeding them but I'm not becoming a crazy cat lady I'm not, I'm not, you can't prove anything. But no, forget the cats, I just mean I find it easy to relax when there's no-one else around and sometimes I want it that way. Wake up to an empty house and pssh, meh. Come home to one and it's great.
I have trouble forming medium-distance friendships with people because I have trouble being interested in their interests, especially if their interests aren't interesting, and I feel bad about that. I don't want to fake an interest, I want to be genuinely involved. Close friendships I'm fine with, up to a point but with that sort of second layer of friends, the invite to the reception but not to the wedding layer, I have problems. Aloof is a term I've heard a lot. I almost wrote "term I've heard alot" but then I remembered this. It works, Allie, whoever you are. I like your About page.
But yes, aloofness and whatnot. I think that's a major hurdle in this whole alone now and forevermore business. If I can't handle small talk how would I ever move up to big talk.
With Raymond Terrific.
This doesn't feel like an end to my soliloquy but it's late, I'm tired and I want to watch an episode of something before I fall asleep so I'm going to leave it there. I'm happy with this post. I've used long, smart-sounding words, got some nice rhythm going in places and expressed some feelings in a not entirely lame manner. Sometimes I wish all my posts were like this. G'night.
Now there's plenty of songs I can't relate to and still like but this is a little different. The Lightning Seeds were my first favourite band. Before Jimmy Eat World, before Brand New, before The Appleseed Cast, Funeral for a Friend, Hell is for Heroes, Feeder and Cast. The Lightning Seeds are the very first band where I took the lyrics and fit them to my life, the first time music became personal.
It's a very bittersweet song to me, I Still Feel The Same. On the one hand there's no clearer sign of separation from youth and there's definitely a sense of loss there but on the other hand noticing the change I see that I am much happier with who I am now than who I was then. I'm still not where I need to be and sure I still feel a little disconnected - particularly when it comes to what I'll optimistically term my love life - but I'm getting there.
Monday night gaming is now alternating between James' Geist game and my own dark fairytale Robin Hood game. You would not be entirely incorrect if you were to accuse me of staying up until gone 2am the other night writing backstory for my Geist character. I know far more about him than I do about Robin Hood. I've got this fairly rich setting in my head, but I haven't yet worked any stories into it. To begin with it'll be quite simple while we all learn the rules and I try to remember how to run a game.
No, you know what, I'm not going to change topic. Let's go with analysing my lack of girlfriend and explaining what I mean by disconnected. I might delete this paragraph before posting, but usually when I write a sentance like this it means I won't. I'm not even sure many people still read this. It's so much longer than twitter and I update less than half as often as I used to. Not that I really post to twitter that much either (follow me @Novander).
Right, so I have had two actual proper definite girlfriends, one relationship that fell apart after two weeks and one girl I got drunk with and kissed on a sort of nightly basis for three weeks or so. In between these I've flailed between two extremes: 1. Aching loneliness when the girl of my dreams, my true love, the one, is seeing some other guy who is invariably not good enough for her. 2. Aching loneliness when I have no crush and I look at my life, my work, my hobbies, my social circles and realise that I am not only alone now but will be so forever more.
This is not melodramatic, over the top, stereotypical whiny it's always raining and I love My Chemical Romance emo livejournal crap. These are the two absolute extremes and I do flit between them but 99% of the time I'm somewhere inbetween where it's warm and comfortable and I don't mind that I'm currently single or maybe that girl I like might like me back I just haven't asked yet. Also, I do love My Chemical Romance's first album and selected other works by them and listen to them in many different moods.
Right now, for the record, I'm down on the alone now and forever more end of the scale. Not right at the extreme, just hovering around that end. I don't want you to go away thinking I'm depressed or down or even a little bit sad at the moment. My love life is the most disappointing aspect of my life but it's not currently an important part. I lie awake at night worrying about job security, what I'm going to do when the last of my friends leave Norwich, why don't I even try writing anything anymore? Could I actually win a fight with a bear? Would losing said fight be okay if by doing so I saved the world or at least the life of one tiny child carrying an ironic teddy bear? Who was that guy from that film and where do I recognise him from? The one that keeps me up most often is "man what is that song I used to listen to that I can't remember the lyrics to or how the tune goes but I know the feeling it evoked?" I really want to listen to that song. Anyway. I don't lie awake thinking about the distant girls.
I don't want to go out with anyone that works at the cinema. I mean, there's no one specific but also more generally I'd prefer to meet a girl outside of there. However, I hang out with non-Odeon people less and less and my only real social group outside the cinema are my gaming group and through them, the messed up crazy world of Gamessoc. Also my biggest passion these days is film, and you'd think a cinema would be the right place for that.
I returned to not going out so much. It's not a state I like. One of the things that drew me to Carrie, looking back, is that when we were friends there were parties all the time or we ate chinese and watched films or whatever; there was always something happening and I liked that. But we wanted different things: she wanted a boyfriend and I wanted a girlfriend. Clearly it was never going to work.
I've got this box of mints lying on the desk next to my keyboard. It is full of billions of the smallest, strongest mints in existence. I'm tearing through these like some sort of addict. I bet even the neighbours can smell how nice my breath is right now.
Disconnected. I can be a bit of a loner. I don't avoid people but sometimes, for example, I'll get home from work and see all the lights are off and it's like awesome, house to myself. And then of course I get in and there's these two cats there treating me like the best person in the world until I actually get around to feeding them but I'm not becoming a crazy cat lady I'm not, I'm not, you can't prove anything. But no, forget the cats, I just mean I find it easy to relax when there's no-one else around and sometimes I want it that way. Wake up to an empty house and pssh, meh. Come home to one and it's great.
I have trouble forming medium-distance friendships with people because I have trouble being interested in their interests, especially if their interests aren't interesting, and I feel bad about that. I don't want to fake an interest, I want to be genuinely involved. Close friendships I'm fine with, up to a point but with that sort of second layer of friends, the invite to the reception but not to the wedding layer, I have problems. Aloof is a term I've heard a lot. I almost wrote "term I've heard alot" but then I remembered this. It works, Allie, whoever you are. I like your About page.
But yes, aloofness and whatnot. I think that's a major hurdle in this whole alone now and forevermore business. If I can't handle small talk how would I ever move up to big talk.
With Raymond Terrific.
This doesn't feel like an end to my soliloquy but it's late, I'm tired and I want to watch an episode of something before I fall asleep so I'm going to leave it there. I'm happy with this post. I've used long, smart-sounding words, got some nice rhythm going in places and expressed some feelings in a not entirely lame manner. Sometimes I wish all my posts were like this. G'night.