With my eyes closed. . .

[i_never_dreamed]

Ever so much to take in for one single person. Having your supposed best friend arrested, bringing you to the realization that all they did was lie to you, scam you, and use you in so many different ways, all at once. To have all of this come down on you so that it is open in one day in a matter of several hours. Having the closest person in your life thrown about and kicked out while you have no say in any of the things that are happening. Wanting to do anything in your power to hide that person so nothing happens but then coming to see that you can't or you will suffer even worse consiquenses. Going through major mood swings, hating everyone, shunning oneself away from people, but yet, still so closely held in their grasp. Finding a lost friend and feeling like you could never be happier to find out their little secrets, but yet constantly telling yourself that nothing will happen (becuase nothing will). Having a psycotic realative oming to be with you for awhile, leaving you basically captive and hermited away from the world and the few people you decide to hang out with. Being ridiculed for what you really are, what you truly feel, do you know what that can do to a person? Having so much time to be able to sit there and just think of so many different things, so many different ways of hurting people, the ones you want to turn your back to completely, yet at the same time, give everything you have in your power to making them happier; to make them feel better about themselves. Well isn't it my turn? Shouldn't I be able to have one of those long conversations and have everything be, even if momentarally, better? Heh, well that would obviously just be far too hard, now wouldn't it? -sigh- I really don't see why I try anymore. Thoughts of suicide running through my mind, coming so close to doing it. Backtracking on everything I've learned, coping skills-wise. Feeling basically worse than what I did before I got sent away. But does anyone see this? Of course not, that would be too easy, to just OPEN THEIR EYES AND LOOK and see how these things are making me feel. They say their listening but they obviously don't hear me screaming out for help. Maybe I'm just another one of those attention grabbing preppy whores who just won't believe it, wearing make-up and black clothes to be cool. Maybe I'm just a wandering soul to be left alone in this Hell. Maybes floating all around. Too bad they are floating with no sturdy ground. . .

. . . I let myself go to fly away to you

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