Clinical
Where to go; where should I start? Sooooo many moods, so many things flowing through my head. Ah, but then we put on the headphones and we. . . I slip away from the land of the normal and I go to my place. It's the music. It's the headphones. It helps me to focus, yet it puts me everywhere. I feel the music and it makes me want to dance. I want to move my body to the beats, let myself become one with the bass and beats. It makes me feel. . . calm. It takes me to a place where, well, nothing really matters. My mind goes completely blank for those few minutes that I'm bouncing and twirling around, shaking and twisting to the beat. It's bliss. It's a complete calm to a savage storm.
Hm. . . -loss of words- -loss of inspiration- No, that is not true. I'm completely full of inspiration but the problem is that I don't know how to get it out. I can never seem to write anything that pleases my extremely picky self critic, there is no where that I can go to and/or afford to dance my little heart out, and what's the point in singing to my friends who have heard it a million times before?
I'm just at a blank point in my life. I am at the top of a plateau. It's flat. There is nothing.
My life is dull and over-played. I do the same things day in and day out.
I see the same faces.
I see the same register.
I see the same few friends.
I see the same out done Christmas decorations.
I see the same attitudes from every child.
I see the same rushed expressions.
I see the same anxiety attacks.
I see the same amount of the stress in different wrappings.
I see the same weirdos.
I see the same people dancing to the same over-played Christmas carols.
I see the same depressed faces.
I see the same amount of poverty.
I see the same fucking thing day in and day out
and I'm pretty sure it's driving me insane. My brains are slowly but surely liquifying and are going to drip out of every hole in my head.
And I'm blank again.
See, what happened there was the music changed. No longer am I having quick beats and heavy bass blasted through my ears, it's changed to music that makes me think. Music heavy in the percussion which always draw my attention and help me to meditate (in my own unique way, of course). But, what exactly is it that I'm thinking about? That question always makes me ponder even more because whenever approached with such question, you never really know what was going on and if you interrupt that thought process it will be lost in the wind and when I tell you "nothing" I am being sincerely honest. Give it about twenty-seven seconds and that gap will be replaced with a hundred or more thoughts whizzing past at about ninety-five miles per hour.
Of course that makes writing difficult because my fingers, whether wielding pen or typing, can never quite keep up.
Hence, I believe, why my writing always turns into mindless babble. That's why I always try to avoid writing about myself or about the things that are going on but sometimes it's hard to avoid the things that trouble you the most.
Nothing really too horrible is going on, but I guess that's if you compare it to people with real problems. I mean, the Hag always tells me that my problems matter just as much to me as hers do to her. Just because her problems may seem really tragic in some eyes, others look at what she's going through and say, "Damn, I wish that was all I was dealing with."
I don't know. I still just have an issue considering the fact that anything in my life could be bad. I sugar coat things so well these days. . . no I am really just making a liar out of myself. I don't sugar coat things, I am quite fully aware of the face that my life, in my standards, is shitty. BUT, I don't let that bother me. I am not a pessimist nor an optimist. I like to think of myself as a realist. I simply see things for what they really are. I then put them into a priority line. If there's nothing I can do to change the situation, I file it somewhere in the back. The things that I can change I ponder further at some point. The things that just need time, I put somewhere in the middle. Update them every now and then and just let fate run it's course.
That is the optimist in me. I take every day as it comes and try to enjoy it like it's my last. Life is entirely too short for it to not be enjoyed to the fullest extent. It's been said by many people, any day could be your last.
But, as far as this day goes, I'm about ready for it to be over. Almost four in the morning, I'm mighty tired, and done rambling to no one.
<333
Hm. . . -loss of words- -loss of inspiration- No, that is not true. I'm completely full of inspiration but the problem is that I don't know how to get it out. I can never seem to write anything that pleases my extremely picky self critic, there is no where that I can go to and/or afford to dance my little heart out, and what's the point in singing to my friends who have heard it a million times before?
I'm just at a blank point in my life. I am at the top of a plateau. It's flat. There is nothing.
My life is dull and over-played. I do the same things day in and day out.
I see the same faces.
I see the same register.
I see the same few friends.
I see the same out done Christmas decorations.
I see the same attitudes from every child.
I see the same rushed expressions.
I see the same anxiety attacks.
I see the same amount of the stress in different wrappings.
I see the same weirdos.
I see the same people dancing to the same over-played Christmas carols.
I see the same depressed faces.
I see the same amount of poverty.
I see the same fucking thing day in and day out
and I'm pretty sure it's driving me insane. My brains are slowly but surely liquifying and are going to drip out of every hole in my head.
And I'm blank again.
See, what happened there was the music changed. No longer am I having quick beats and heavy bass blasted through my ears, it's changed to music that makes me think. Music heavy in the percussion which always draw my attention and help me to meditate (in my own unique way, of course). But, what exactly is it that I'm thinking about? That question always makes me ponder even more because whenever approached with such question, you never really know what was going on and if you interrupt that thought process it will be lost in the wind and when I tell you "nothing" I am being sincerely honest. Give it about twenty-seven seconds and that gap will be replaced with a hundred or more thoughts whizzing past at about ninety-five miles per hour.
Of course that makes writing difficult because my fingers, whether wielding pen or typing, can never quite keep up.
Hence, I believe, why my writing always turns into mindless babble. That's why I always try to avoid writing about myself or about the things that are going on but sometimes it's hard to avoid the things that trouble you the most.
Nothing really too horrible is going on, but I guess that's if you compare it to people with real problems. I mean, the Hag always tells me that my problems matter just as much to me as hers do to her. Just because her problems may seem really tragic in some eyes, others look at what she's going through and say, "Damn, I wish that was all I was dealing with."
I don't know. I still just have an issue considering the fact that anything in my life could be bad. I sugar coat things so well these days. . . no I am really just making a liar out of myself. I don't sugar coat things, I am quite fully aware of the face that my life, in my standards, is shitty. BUT, I don't let that bother me. I am not a pessimist nor an optimist. I like to think of myself as a realist. I simply see things for what they really are. I then put them into a priority line. If there's nothing I can do to change the situation, I file it somewhere in the back. The things that I can change I ponder further at some point. The things that just need time, I put somewhere in the middle. Update them every now and then and just let fate run it's course.
That is the optimist in me. I take every day as it comes and try to enjoy it like it's my last. Life is entirely too short for it to not be enjoyed to the fullest extent. It's been said by many people, any day could be your last.
But, as far as this day goes, I'm about ready for it to be over. Almost four in the morning, I'm mighty tired, and done rambling to no one.
<333