Who Could Ask For Any More? - Part Four - December
Title: Who Could Ask For Any More?
Part: Four
Word Count: 9,202
Previous Parts: Prologue | Part One | Part Two | Part Three
~
Andrew Garfield should rob banks. Like really, he should, because he has this knack for getting through locked doors in such a way that it look as though nobody has broken in. He moves with stealth, like a cat burglar, like a cat. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't wake anyone up, he's flawless. It seems that Andrew can get into any place, at any time. Apparently, he can get into locked dorm-rooms during the early hours of the morning.
Jesse is stood, bewildered, in the middle of his room, in a t-shirt and some boxers, staring up at the wall above his bookshelf. "And you didn't hear him come in?"
"No, of course not. You were asleep, I was asleep. He didn't wake either of us up, so neither of us heard him." On the other side of the room, Joe emerges from beneath his covers, squinting at the harsh light of the morning. His hair is fluffy and stuck up on one side.
Jesse blinks, smiling incredulously. Over the last couple of weeks, each of his friends have come over with a photo of themselves, cut out their faces, and stuck it onto Jesse's map of the US, right on their home towns.
Josh and Armie have crowded themselves together over the spot that is L.A; Emma's smiling brightly from Scottsdale; Justin's doing his best Derek Zoolander impression from Memphis; Joe's got his tongue stuck out in New York, with Jesse's photo right by his side. This really means something, because six months ago, Jesse would never have allowed this. He would never have allowed people to maim his maps. Things have changed.
"How do you know that it was him that did it anyway?" Joe asks, rolling over to face the wall and pulling the covers back over his head.
"Who else would it have been?"
Andrew had said a few days ago that just because his family is living in L.A right now, that doesn't mean it's his home town. He said that Epsom in Surrey is, because he grew up there, and now someone -clearly Andrew- has stuck a map of England on Jesse's wall, one edge all torn like it's been ripped out of an atlas. (Jesse plans to give Andrew a good talking to about that because it is not okay to abuse an atlas.) Andrew's picture is grinning wildly over the spot that represents Surrey, he's wearing a top hat and a monocle -okay, where did he get those from? Next to that, there's a post-it that reads: "Righto, Jesse. Don't forget us Brits now! x."
This wasn't on Jesse's wall last night, it wasn't there at precisely 11:32pm when Joe shut the light off. So between then and now -7:59am- Andrew had come over. Jesse can't help but imagine Andrew all kitted out in black, wearing a balaclava and doing forwards rolls all over to place to keep from being seen. Andrew is damn good. Jesse didn't even notice it up there when he got up ten minutes ago to use the bathroom and brush his teeth.
Of all things, Jesse should really be questioning how the hell Andrew got in here, but he's not concerned about that. Jesse, well, he just can't seem to tear his eyes away from that x, that tiny little thing. Totally insignificant, some would say. Andrew's left Jesse plenty of notes over the past few months, usually along the lines of 'Jesse, do your math homework!' or 'Hey, I didn't get what Shannon was talking about in History today, could you go over it with me?' Never before has Andrew left an x on the end, a... kiss.
It's a mark on a piece of paper, but Jesse feels all fluttery inside, because things have changed, been taken up a notch, a tiny notch, but a very good one all the same.
"You getting dressed or what?" Joe asks groggily, voice muffled by his comforter. "Just because it's the last week before the holidays, that doesn't mean they won't beat your ass if you're late."
Jesse moves over to his built-in closet. "Joe, you're always late."
"I think you'll find that I always make it to class within fifteen seconds of the bell, I'm never late." He doesn't move from his bed though.
Jesse eyes him, well, the mound that is Joe hidden beneath the covers. "Are you... are you gonna get up then?"
"I've got another sixteen minutes yet, it'll be fine."
"You've actually got fourteen, but whatever. On your head be it."
Jesse chuckles a little as he tugs one of his old navy hoodies over his head. He's taken to doing that lately, pairing up some of his old clothes with some of his new stuff, this way, he keeps both Andrew and Justin on side. Today, it's an old hoodie with a new pair of stone-washed jeans.
Jesse is very efficient in that he always ensures that his backpack is packed and ready the night before school, so that way, in the morning, he can just get dressed and walk right out of the door. He plans to find Andrew, and ask him how he managed to get into the dorm. Jesse doesn't mind that he did it, not at all, he just wants to know how. That'd probably explain how he manages to steal Armie's candy all the time as well.
Jesse slings his bag over his shoulder, directing his words at Joe. "See you at four then, once you get out of detention for being late."
"I won't be late!"
Jesse opens the door to leave, and upon doing so, finds himself face to face with none other than Andrew Garfield himself, his fist raised as if he was about to knock.
Jesse feels his mind empty of all irrelevant thought as he looks at Andrew, smiling gaily like it isn't first thing on a Winters morning -a Monday morning. That smile makes Jesse forgot what time of day it is too. Andrew's wearing those fingerless gloves again, and a parka, and a beanie and- "Okay, what the hell is that?" Jesse asks.
"Good morning to you too," Andrew grins, gesturing to himself. "It's a neck warming apparatus, i.e. a scarf."
"Right. Is, um," Jesse tilts his head, squinting, "is that the Gryffindor lion on there?"
"Yes." Andrew puffs out his chest, and Jesse notices for the first time that he's in fact a little wet, like he's been stood outside in the rain. A few strands of hair are sticking out from beneath his hat. "Joe gave it to me for my last birthday, I'm a Gryffindor."
"Yeah you are!" Joe yells encouragingly from the depths of the room.
"Why are you wearing a scarf, or any of this actually? Our classes are in the next building over, we won't be trekking across mountain ranges or anything like that." Though, knowing Andrew and his unpredictability, that could be entirely possible.
"It's snowing," Andrew states simply, eyes wide. “Haven’t you seen it?”
"Is it?"
"Yeah! Oh my god, it actually is!"
Jesse looks over his shoulder, and finds that Joe has actually gotten up, he's pulled the drapes back to look out of the window. From what Jesse can see, it's snowing pretty heavily, the sky is pale grey, so pale that it's difficult to tell where the sky ends and the ground begins. Thick clumps of white are floating past the window.
"I'd like to show you my Snow-Jesse," Andrew continues.
“I can see the snow just fine from here. Besides, it‘s not your snow,” Jesse replies slowly as if speaking to a crazy person, making circles in the air with his hands, “it’s everybody’s snow. You don’t own the snow.”
Andrew shakes his head fondly, smiling. "No! I’m not going to show you my snow, Jesse. I’m going to show you my Snow-Jesse.”
“Your what, now?”
"My Snow-Jesse. The snow man that I‘ve made, he‘s named after you, and he looks like you. Come on!" Andrew grabs one of Jesse's limp hands and drags him from the open doorway, into the hall.
Jesse can just make out Joe’s voice, yelling, “don’t you make him late!”
“Andrew, you’re such an idiot,” Jesse cries with no trace of malice in his tone, in fact, he’s giggling. Giggling. Like a little girl. “I haven’t got a jacket on!”
“Your hoodie will suffice, we won’t be out here long, a couple of minutes, tops!”
“Class starts in twelve minutes!”
“We’ll make it, don’t worry your pretty little head.”
Andrew flies out into The Square with Jesse in tow, their feet crunching down into the snow, a good few inches deep, leaving foot-prints. Jesse is hit by three things. First, it’s the sound. It seems that the entire student-body -aside from Joe- is out here, screaming and cheering, wrapped up warm in colourful Winter coats. Dozens of snowballs soar in arcs over head. Andrew dodges the other students with ease, and in some cases, charges right through groups of them, making them scatter and complain.
The second thing? The temperature. It’s colder than Jesse had been expecting, the icy chill of the wind burns his skin, and he can actually feel his cheeks and nose going pink, snowflakes float into his eyes every now and then, making them sting a little. He should have stopped Andrew. He should have insisted on being allowed to put on jacket before they left, and perhaps some gloves, maybe a scarf, and some thicker socks because the snow is melting through his brand new canvas shoes that Justin bought him last month.
The final thing? Well, it’s a snowball, it smacks Jesse right on the back of the head, thick and icy, making him squeal and jump. Little chunks of snow slide down his neck, melt into the collar of his shirt. Andrew doesn’t stop, so Jesse can’t look back at his attacker, but from the sound of that laughter, he can tell that it was none other than Armie Hammer. Josh’s voice follows.
“You were supposed to be aiming for Andrew, not Jesse!”
“Still funny!"
Andrew’s feet kick the snow up into Jesse’s shins as he’s hauled through the gap between the corners of the North and West buildings.
“Where is thing supposed to be anyway?” Jesse asks as he rubs at the back of his head, hair wet.
“It’s right there.” Andrew comes to an abrupt halt and Jesse stumbles into his back.
“Where?” Jesse asks quietly.
“There,” Andrew points to a vague shape sticking up out of the ground about twenty feet away. It’s difficult to make out, as the snow back here is crisp, white, and untouched. Not to mention the snow that's actually falling right now, blurring his vision. The rest of the students had stuck to The Square and hadn’t even thought of going out onto the playing fields. There are two sets of footprints leading out to the snowman - the Snow-Jesse, whatever- one going towards it, and one coming back. Both from Andrew.
Andrew looks over his shoulder at Jesse, smiling. “Want to take a closer look?”
“Sure,” Jesse grins. As they walk together, he says, “Armie hit me with a snowball.”
“I heard," Andrew points to a pair of almost perfectly circular wet patches on his sleeve. "He got me twice on the way over to yours. Double-whammy!"
“My hair’s wet," Jesse pouts.
“This’ll absorb it,” Andrew reaches up and paws at the back of Jesse’s head with a single gloved hand. “The wool, you know?”
A shiver runs down Jesse’s spine, goose bumps pop up all over his neck, and it isn’t from the melting snow, that's for sure.
Jesse frowns deeply at Andrew’s snowman as they finally reach it, it looks like any other snowman -a pair of crooked twigs for arms, stones for eyes, a row of smaller ones for a mouth, and a carrot for a nose.
“Mine isn’t that big, for one thing, nor is that orange,” Jesse smirks, poking at the vegetable.
“It’s the best I could do, okay? At least I got the hair right.” Andrew had made dozens of small snowballs and packed them all over the head of his snowman to look like curls.
“Okay, that’s pretty good,” Jesse smiles, “but my hair isn’t white!”
“There’s no such thing as brown snow, Jesse!” Andrew is yelling quite loudly, arms thrown out to the sides. His faux-angry face falters, and he begins to laugh. “Okay, there kind of is such thing as brown snow, but there’s no chance of me picking that up. That's just unhygienic and wrong.”
Jesse’s giggling as he turns back to the snow version of himself, throwing his hands up. "I'm just kidding, I love it. You're an artist, and he's... he's adorable!"
"Just like his namesake." Andrew smiles softly, just one corner of his mouth curling up. Which, too, is adorable. "We should definitely take a picture with him, before he melts, you know."
"A picture with a snowman? Really?"
"He's a Snow-Jesse, and yes," Andrew produces a digital camera from his pocket, switches it on, and holds it out at arms length -the lens facing inwards, the typical MySpace shot. He looks at Jesse, beckoning him over with his free hand. "Come on, get in!"
Jesse drops his backpack to the ground and slumps over to Andrew. Jesse hates having his picture taken, but he just can't say no to Andrew's gleeful, excited face. "The snow will ruin it though," he says, waving a few flakes away from his face.
"No it won't. Okay, we need to get Snow-Jesse in the middle so that he can be seen. Yeah, that seems about right. Ready? Smile!" Andrew lifts his spare hand to do a thumbs up, mouth wide open in a smile. Jesse, meanwhile, tries to do his best I-don't-want-to-look-like-I'm-trying-too-hard grin, but ends up laughing at what Andrew's doing. The flash goes off, and Andrew lowers the camera. He looks back on the picture and giggles. "That looks pretty good, doesn't it?
It does. In the picture, Jesse looks happier than he's ever felt, his eyes on Andrew, crinkled up with laughter. Andrew, of course, looks great as usual. Snowflakes can be seen in front of their faces, but it doesn't ruin the picture at all, it makes for a pretty good effect. The photo looks like it belongs on a Christmas card.
"I'll print you out a copy," Andrew says, putting the camera back into his pocket. When he looks up, he's still smiling.
Jesse could kiss him, he really could. Right now, in this quiet, snow covered place next to this snowman that's so ugly that it crosses the line back to cute. Except Jesse's too awkward, frightened and unsure of himself to do that. He wishes he were like Andrew, like any of his other friends actually. Impulsive, confident, ready to take what they want. Jesse's hands ache to reach out and touch Andrew's face, his mouth tingles with the need to feel his lips on his, but Jesse also wants to make sure that Andrew definitely feels the same way before taking that leap.
Jesse shakes his head, returning to the conversation. “So, uh… when did you get up to make this, anyway?”
Andrew shrugs, like what he's about to say is the most mundane thing in the world. “Six.”
“This took you two hours to make?” Jesse’s eyes widen considerably. Who gets up two hours early to go out into the freezing cold and make a snow man. Andrew does, clearly. There's a small child trapped inside this teenager.
“It took me an hour. I spent half an hour showering, getting dressed and catching an early breakfast, the cafeteria ladies really like me here, they gave me the carrot too. So I started at half six, was finished at half seven, and waited until eight to get you because I knew you’d be up by then," Andrew corrects. "I didn't want to wake you early."
“You creepy little stalker man.” Jesse shakes his head fondly. Part of him gets weirdly excited at the idea of Andrew caring about him to not want to wake him earlier than necessary. “Speaking of which, how did you get into my room last night?”
“Justin.” Andrew is staring off into the middle distance, smiling.
Jesse has resorted to jumping up and down to keep warm, rubbing his hands together to generate a little heat. “I don’t understand.”
“He’s Head Prefect, so he’s got access to the office in the reception, he has a key for it, keeps it in his bedside table.” In his peripheral vision, Andrew must be able to see how frantically Jesse is rubbing his hands together, as Andrew reaches out without looking, and takes them between his own gloved ones -still moist from the melted snow- and squeezes. “Sometimes, I borrow it and go down the office. They keep the spare dorm keys in there.”
Jesse looks down at his hands, his hands between Andrew’s, the first time that anyone has held his hand that wasn’t his mother or a reluctant ‘buddy’ on a elementary school field trip. All of these tiny, wonderful changes in his mundane life are all down to Andrew, and Jesse wouldn't have it any other way. He looks up from beneath his snow covered lashes. “So that’s how you’re always getting into Josh and Armie’s?”
“Yeah. Emma drove me into town once, I went to a key cutting place to get a copy made.”
“You’re terrible.”
Andrew looks down at Jesse, smiling right into his eyes. “I know.”
Then the bell rings shrilly, signalling the start of first period.
“We’d better get to class, then,” Andrew says, turning, keeping hold of one of Jesse’s hands. Jesse doesn’t move for a second, still in awe of the fact that Andrew’s doing the whole fingers-interlaced thing with him right now. It feels nicer and a lot more secure than Jesse had ever imagined. His whole body feels warm now, despite the weather. Andrew tugs, chuckling. “Come on! Joe told me not to make you late.”
As they begin to walk, the whole time, Jesse watches as his and Andrew's intertwined hands swing between their bodies. "Also, where in the hell did you get that top hat and monocle?"
Andrew does his famous head thrown back, throat exposed laugh, as if he's just remembered a hilarious inside joke. "Oh yeah! I forgot about those, I borrowed them from the drama club."
As the pair round the corner back onto The Square, Joe Mazzello -hoodie half on, half off- streaks past, yelling. “Shit! I’m gonna be late!”
***
"... so basically, when Dumbledore said 'Severus, please', he wasn't asking him not to kill him, he was asking him to kill him because he knew that he was going to die anyway." Joe is sat Indian-style, bouncing up and down on his bed, clutching his copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to his chest, which he has just finished re-reading for the eleventh time. "Dumbledore had been planning his death with Snape the whole ti-"
"Joe, please!" Andrew rolls his eyes and turns back to Jesse. "I really don't care about Harry Potter."
Joe closes his book and places it on his bedside table. "Sorry," he replies quietly.
"Okay, I'm sorry for yelling," Andrew says coolly, flipping through the pages of his History text book. "It's just, this test is only ten minutes away, and if I fail, I'll get another phone call from home and I really cannot be dealing with that right before the holidays. I need to concentrate."
it's Andrew's and Jesse's final free period before their first big History exam. Mr.Shannon had said that he was required, by the Principal, to give the class assessment before every major school break to test their progress. Two hours of tutoring from Jesse, at first once, then twice a week -every week- since September, and Andrew has still got it into his head that he's going to fail.
"You're not gonna fail the test," Jesse smiles reassuringly, glancing through the various hand-outs they'd been given over the last few months. "We've gone over pretty much everything we've learned so far and you seem to have remembered it all just fine. I mean, you actually know who Stokely Carmichael is now."
Andrew sits up dead straight, proud. "He was a SNCC activist among many other things."
"And what does SNCC stand for?"
"Student Nonviolent Co-ordinating Committee."
Jesse smiles at Andrew, hard enough to make his cheeks ache and his dimples form. "You've got it! You're gonna pass, I can feel it."
"You think so?" Andrew looks at Jesse in such a way that Jesse just knows that if he says 'yes', then Andrew will believe it -will believe in himself- because in Andrew's mind, Jesse's opinion is worth ten of anyone else's.
"I know so," Jesse says with an air of finality to it, and Andrew's face softens. Jesse grabs Andrew's wrist and pushes the sleeve of his sweater back to check his watch, trying to ignore the quickening pulse beneath his fingers. "We'd better get down there then. It starts soon. See you later, Joe."
The pair get up from Jesse's bed and make their way over to the door.
"Good luck!" Joe calls, he lifts a hand as if he's in class. "Oh, can I borrow your laptop by the way, Jesse? I need to look on eBay."
"Yeah that's fine," Jesse looks over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised, "but why do you need to go on eBay?"
"Oh, now that would be telling." Joe grins, eyes shining. It's the kind of look that someone gives you before they plan to do something nice that inevitably ends up going wrong. There's not really anything Jesse could do to stop him, though.
"Fine. See you later."
Once they're out in the hall, with the door shut safely behind them, Jesse turns to Andrew, and asks, "What do you think he's looking for?"
"Oh, I don't know," Andrew picks up the pace a little bit, so that he's walking ahead of Jesse. From the tone of his voice -from that sound of a smile in his voice- Jesse can't help but feel as though Andrew knows something that he doesn't. "Maybe he's looking for something to add to his Lego Harry Potter set?"
Jesse shrugs, hands stuffed deep into his hoodie pockets. "Could be. He is missing Hermione."
***
"So, when are you going to tell him?"
"I haven't planned that far ahead yet," Jesse replies, staring into the back of Andrew's beanie-clad head as he talks animatedly to Justin about how well the History test went yesterday. Jesse swallows hard. "I've never told anyone that I liked them before. I've never liked anyone this much before, so that makes this whole thing doubly scary."
Emma smiles brightly, green eyes twinkling in the moonlight. "You shouldn't worry about it so much," she says quietly, voice even scratchier than usual as a result of the cold she's just getting over. "I know he feels the same way, I just know it. I've told you a million times."
Jesse looks away from her and rolls his eyes as if so say 'Yeah, right.' Emma thinks of herself as an expert on crushes, but she hasn't noticed that both Justin and Joe have a crush on her yet. "How far away is this lake anyway?" Jesse asks no one in particular.
"About a mile or two," Josh replies, turning around and forcing himself to walk backwards. In his North Face Puffa Jacket, he looks even bigger than usual. "It's beautiful there, isn't it, Em?"
"Gorgeous," Emma replies, turning back to Jesse. "Haven't you been to Morgan Lake before?"
Jesse shakes his head, "never."
"We go there every year on the last night before Christmas break, just sit and hang out, it's kind of a tradition."
The air is crisp and quiet as the group walk across the parking lot, and the remnants of Monday's snowfall has already melted away. The sky is inky black and clear -cloudless- dotted with stars. Jesse takes a deep breath, this is the kind of night that monumental things happen on -like in the movies- the last night before break. He won't be seeing Andrew until next year, next year is only two weeks away, but thinking of it as 'next year' does make it feel like an awful, painfully long time. Jesse will be in New York, Andrew will be in L.A. Pretty much as far away as they could possibly be from each other whilst remaining in the same country. It makes his chest ache.
Jesse looks down as he walks, in his gloved hands, he clutches the second CD that Andrew has made for him. It's called 'For Jesse pt. 2: Bonus Tracks', made up of six songs that Andrew had wanted to put on the first CD, but at the same time, he had felt that they wouldn't fit in with the others very well. He told Jesse earlier today, however, that he just couldn't stand the thought of Jesse never hearing those songs, so he had to put them into their own separate mix. *
On Jesse's iTunes, the first fourteen tracks in his '25 Most Played' were the songs taken from Andrew's first mix, and these new six will probably be added to that list in due course. If anyone were to look at that list, they'd think that Jesse has normal, decent taste in music, and that he doesn't spend his free time listening to the original cast recording from Cats on repeat.
In his pocket, Jesse carries his copy of On The Road that Andrew has just returned. He’s left the post-it notes in it, and Jesse is just dying to look through them all.
"So, who am I taking again?" Justin calls back to Emma as the group reach his Range Rover, his breath coming out as clouds in front of his face. He's wearing a double-breasted tweed jacket, and a red beanie that covers up his ears and forehead. "Anyone but the life-sized Ken Dolls."
"What's that, Billy? Who are you calling Ken Doll's? Is that a joke about Josh and I being blonde, because three years ago, when you were Junior," Armie's words are directed at Justin, but he's looking at Jesse as if to say 'get a load of this', "you bleached your hair and it ended up looking like Ramen noodles."
Jesse tries not to laugh because he really does care about Justin, but he allows a little giggle to escape as Josh gives Armie a high five, and the pair begin to laugh hysterically.
Justin shuts up, and Emma calls out. "I'm taking the Ken Doll's. Justin, you've got Andrew, Jesse and Joe."
"Why have I gotta go with him?" Joe pouts like a five year old, folding his arms across his chest. His ear muffs aren't doing much to help his child-like appearance either.
"You can come with me on the way back," Emma bends her knees, patting them as if trying to get puppy to come to her, "and you can choose a buddy to come with you!"
"Oh boy, really?!" Joe replies loudly, voice high-pitched.
"Yeah!" Emma giggles and prods his nose with her index finger. "Let's go then!"
After five minutes of persuasion from Andrew, Joe reluctantly sits up front with Justin -sitting on the far edge of his seat and staring hard out of the side window- whilst Andrew and Jesse sit together in the back of the Range Rover. As Justin pulls away, Andrew does that thing again, where he hooks an arm around Jesse's neck, getting him to lean his head onto Andrew's shoulder. Neither of them say a word, nor do Justin and Joe.
It's just... it's nice. This is all Jesse has ever wanted, to be driving through the night, the glow of the street-lights slanting through the windows, knowing that everything is going to be okay, even if just for a little while, because Andrew's here. Jesse turns his head, he's looking at the side of Andrew's neck, and he can smell him, up close, undiluted. Jesse wants to wake up with his face in Andrew's neck, every morning. Wants to run a single finger tip down Andrew's raised tendons, and kiss him right on that soft-looking spot right below his jaw. Jesse's head -it fits- fits right into that gap between Andrew's ear and shoulder like their bodies were made for one another in the same way that all the countries of the world would fit together if the oceans weren't in the way.
Corresponding pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
It seems completely unconnected and irrelevant, but in that moment, Jesse thinks of Armie and Josh, and the first time that he met them. How he was in awe of them and the way that they worked, the way that they always knew exactly what the other was thinking, how they could bounce off of one another so easily. Jesse remembers wanting that, wanting to feel that sort of connection towards someone else and have them feel it too. Armie and Josh really should have been twins, they're like brothers. Jesse doesn't have that with Andrew, he's got something way bigger and better than anything he'd ever anticipated.
Josh and Armie, they know each other so well because they're so alike, they always know exactly what the other is thinking because it's probably what they're thinking too. Andrew and Jesse aren't alike, they aren't similar. Andrew's loud, Jesse's quiet. The extrovert and the introvert. Left brain, right brain. Josh and Armie didn't have to work on their friendship, it just happened -two boys thrown together by chance or luck, or maybe even fate- and it worked instantly. Andrew and Jesse, they had to work hard to get where they are now. Their connection is based on understanding, learning how the other thinks, how the other one reacts.
Andrew knows that it's okay to put his arm around Jesse's shoulders, because he's done it before and he knows that that's okay with Jesse. Jesse wasn't shocked when he does it this time, because Andrew has done it before, it's to be expected now. Jesse's has learned Andrew's ways off by heart, and it seems that Andrew has done that same for Jesse.
Justin hasn't got any music playing, all is quiet. Jesse concentrates on the sound of Andrew's breathing, slow and relaxed. Jesse thinks about maybe asking Justin to put his new CD on, but decides against it. He's going to save it for a minute, until they've reached the lake. Emma can put it in her portable stereo -the one that she made Armie carry out to the cars- and let the music flow over everyone whilst they sit by the water under the stars. For now -sitting in this dark, quiet warmth- this is perfect.
Jesse feels Andrew shift next to him, and he speaks -quietly- down into Jesse's curls. "I've got some of Armie's Nerds in my pocket."
Jesse's not sure why, but he's throws his head back, laughing harder than he ever has before, ruining their lovely quiet moment with his weird sense of humor. Joe jumps in his seat with fright, and Justin yells, "What the fuck is going on back there?" whilst eyeing them in the rear-view mirror.
Jesse directs his answer at Andrew, "What you just said. That...that sounded so weirdly sexual!"
Andrew puts on his poshest -I should belong to the upper classes- accent. "I'm trying to seduce you with my sweeties!"
"Oh my god!" Jesse cries, still laughing.
Justin looks at Joe, an eyebrow raised, Joe does the same. For once in the entire time that they've known one another, they've agreed on something other that the fact that Emma is attractive, it's that those two guys sat in the back? Yeah, they're crazy.
"You sounded like James Bond, though!"
***
Joe is teaching Emma how to skim stones across the almost black, rippling surface of the lake the -making a big deal out of holding onto her wrist and waist. The other five sit with their legs dangling from the edge of a short boardwalk they'd found earlier, chewing on Armie's Nerds whilst the music from Jesse's new CD flows softly from the speakers of Emma's portable stereo.
Another Biffy Clyro song kicks off the proceedings, all acoustic and relaxing. Jesse has taken quite a shine to that band over the last couple of months -he likes the lead singer's voice, his Scottish accent- it makes him think of Britain, and of Andrew, in a weird sort of way, even though Andrew isn't Scottish himself.
Jesse hears Josh chuckle from Andrew's other side. "You see what Joe's doing there? With the stones? He totally stole that from Harry Potter. One of the deleted scenes that was meant to be in Deathly Hallows Part One -Ron teaches Hermione to skim stones just like that." Josh sits back, head held high with triumph, as if he's just made a great scientific breakthrough, "he's totally flirting."
"You think?" Andrew laughs. "Though, I think it's really cute. I just wish that he'd tell her how he feels is all." Andrew gently squeezes Jesse's hand, the one that he's got sandwiched between his own, resting in his lap. "They'd make the sweetest couple, don't you think?"
"They really would," Josh replies coolly, "but what about...?" He inclines his head to indicate Justin, who's sat down at the other end of the boardwalk, sulking about the cold, arms wrapped tightly around himself, shivering violently.
Andrew chuckles a little at his room mate, resting his cheek on the top of Jesse's head, which Josh either doesn't really notice or doesn't really mind. "Don't you worry about Justin, he'll be fine, he can get any girl he wants. Most of the girls in our grade are chasing after him. Emma and Joe, though? They need to happen."
"Yeah," Josh lets out one breathy laugh, looking out across the still water. "They'd have the cutest, freckliest, red-headed babies."
"Except Emma's a natural blonde," Jesse pipes up, grinning.
"Didn't know that," Josh shrugs, "they'd still have cute babies, though."
"Yeah," Andrew says, and after a beat he adds. "I call Godfather."
"Damn it," Josh replies.
Jesse chuckles fondly, and after a moment, things go quiet, so that all can be heard are the sounds of Emma stone's splashing into the water and Joe's soft words of encouragement, barely above a whisper. "You need to flick your wrist just a little harder, but otherwise you're doing just great."
Jesse feels oddly guilty, like he and the rest of them are encroaching on Emma and Joe's special, romantic moment. He feels like he shouldn't be here, like he should turn to Armie, Josh, Justin and Andrew, and say "Come on, let's go back." Joe and Emma, though? They don't really seem to mind. Emma probably has no idea how she's making Joe feel right now, and Joe? He's probably happy just to have her close by, her body pressed into his -just the same as Jesse feels about Andrew right now.
"Boy! I'd kill for a drink, anyone bring one?" Armie cries abruptly.
"I could too, actually," Josh says. "Hey, Em! We bring any drinks?"
Emma turns, as Joe is right behind her, he follows her movements. "Uh, yeah, there's a crate of Coke in the pick-up. Could you get me one too, actually?"
"And me?" Joe says to her, as if too afraid to ask Josh himself.
"And Joe too?" She grins sweetly, the kind of smile that compels a guy to do anything and everything a girl wants.
"Sure!" Josh rolls his eyes, getting to his feet. "I'll just bring the whole crate, but I'm not walking back to the truck alone at this time of night, who knows what's in those woods. Mad-men, axe-murderers, big -you know," he flaps his arms out at his sides to indicate wings, "bugs."
"Oh Josh!" Armie cries, the back of his hand pressed to his forehead, pretending to swoon. "You're so tough and manly!"
"Shut up!" Josh slaps him around the back of his head. "You know you wouldn't go back there by yourself either."
Armie chuckles, "I actually wouldn't."
“I’d like to go back to school, please! It‘s fucking freezing!” Justin yells, but no one pays attention to him.
"So you coming with me or not?" Josh continues.
"Uh..." Armie turns away from his room mate, and tilts his head to the side as he says, "that would be a no."
"Fucking hell, man!"
"It's okay!" Andrew calls happily, slapping his knees before climbing to his feet. "I'll come with you."
"Thank you!"
Andrew squeezes Jesse's shoulder affectionately before he leaves with Josh, walking down the path back into the dark woods. Jesse feels all of a sudden very cold, but that's to be expected, because his hand isn't in Andrew's any more, and his head isn't on his shoulder any more, and his side isn't pressed into his any more. Jesse hates to think it, he really does, but he kind of... misses him already. Oh gosh, he feels like such a girl. How is he going to deal with two weeks without Andrew? Jesse really doesn't know how he did it before, how he spent seventeen years of his life without having someone to feel close to. His life revolves around Andrew now, like it's split into two eras. 'Before Andrew', and 'With Andrew'.
The thought of an era known as 'Post Andrew' ever making itself known actually makes Jesse feel a little bit nauseous. He puts the idea out of his mind immediately.
"Forget Mozzarella and Emma getting together, it's all about you and Bambi, am I right Ship-Sinker?"
Jesse looks up. Despite his size, it seems that Armie can move without making a sound, because all of sudden, he's appeared right next to Jesse.
"What?" Below breath, Jesse adds, "does everyone know now?"
"Not everyone, as far as I'm aware," Armie says. His legs are so long that they actually reach the water below, he kicks, sending concentric ripples out into the lake, adding to Joe and Emma's. "I do notice these things you know. People get this idea into their heads that I'm just a jock, like all the others. Like all I care about is food, sports and Scrubs. That's not true you know, I notice shit. I pay attention to you guys, I do care."
"I know," Jesse replies, nodding softly. "I see you with Josh an-"
"Not just Josh," Armie adds quietly, "you too, and Emma, and Mozzarella, and Bambi -even if he does piss me off and steal my candy sometimes- and, believe it or not, Billy too. Josh and I, we're a little mean to him sometimes, but we don't mean it, it's all in good fun."
Jesse smiles, because yeah, as nice as Armie is, Jesse too had gotten it into his head that this blonde behemoth was just another jock -a lovely jock- but still a jock. But yeah, it seems that during those times when Armie was laid out on Josh's bed, telling everyone to be quiet so that he could hear the TV, he thinks too, and observes, watches his six best friends in the same way that Jesse does.
"Are you ever gonna tell me why you call Justin by the name Billy?"
"No. Though, maybe one day he'll tell you himself." Armie gives a small smile. After a moment of quiet, he adds, "Bambi's really chilled out since you've been on the scene, you know?"
"Has he?" Jesse pouts, eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, totally. Like before, every day, he'd be like," Armie puts on his best English accent. "Oh gosh, I must get this homework done at once! I simply cannot talk to anyone right now, I need to complete this mathematical equation. I cannot leave this room until I've read all five hundred pages of this text book!"
Jesse laughs through cold, chapped lips. "Andrew sounds nothing like that."
"You get the jist, though?" Armie grins. "But yeah, before? It was all school, school, school. Homework, homework, homework. Need to get into a good college, need to make my father proud, need to act like a forty year old instead of a teenager. With all your vulnerability and endearingness... is that even a word? You've taught him, I don't know, that you can still do well and act your age."
Jesse shakes his head as if Armie had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I don't act my age."
"You act closer to your age than he did before you came along. This Bambi we know now? The fun, happy-go-lucky, giggly one? He's new, and he's brilliant. He's always been in there, and you-" Armie prods Jesse's chest a little harder than necessary. "-you brought him out. You're the best thing to ever happen to him..."
Jesse turns his head at Josh's approaching voice, coming back out of the woods with Andrew, a crate of soda in his arms, bright, unburdened smile reflecting the moonlight. Armie continues on "... Bambi says so himself."
Well that, for one thing, caught Jesse's attention. "He actually said that?"
Armie's eyes widen with sincerity as he moves back to the place he was originally sitting. "Oh yeah."
Jesse looks down into the water, at his smiling reflection, so giddy he's afraid he may faint, fall into the water. He hears the sound of the soda crate being placed onto the ground behind him, then Andrew's approaching footsteps. "Cokes, ahoy!"
"Thanks Maverick," Jesse says quickly, taking a can from Andrew, heart beating in beneath his ribs like a bird in a tiny cage.
“No problem, Goose.” Jesse expects Andrew to slide back into position beside him, but he doesn’t, he remains standing. Jesse looks up at him, confused.
“Feel like coming for a walk?” Andrew asks softly.
“Yeah, definitely.”
Jesse gets to his feet, and allows Andrew to lead the way. They don’t walk into the woods, just around the edge of the lake, past Emma and Joe (They catch the end of Joe's latest rap, something along the lines of "You own the stone because you're Emma Stone!") and walk further still. Jesse goes to crack open his can of Coke, but Andrew grabs his hand out of no where, lacing his fingers through Jesse’s, holding it tight.
This is just second nature now, the hand holding. Just another thing that Andrew tried out once, and continues to do because Jesse was fine with it the first time. Jesse isn’t just fine with it, he loves it, craves it. That touch, that contact, that feeling of knowing that there is an actual human male out there that actually wants to be alone with him for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
When Jesse was a kid, he wouldn’t have done this, walked around a lake at night. You know? Because of the water that he could fall into, or the woods he could get lost in, or the dark that scary things could be hiding in. With Andrew, it’s as easy as breathing. Every fear, every feeling of anxiety floats away like smoke. This is what it feels like to be unburdened, this is what it feels like to be happy.
Something deep inside of Jesse tells him that now would be a good time to say something, a good a time as any, to just say it. I really like you, I'm falling for you, I think I love you. No, I love you. Because Jesse does, he knows that now. He's never been in love before, but he's always heard people say that when you fall in love for the first time, you just know it. It hits you right in the face.
For Jesse, it came dressed in a plaid shirt, sprinting at him down the math corridor.
Jesse nods to himself, turns, goes to open his mouth and say the words. He's going to say them, right now, he's going to be brave. He's going to take this night, the prettiest he's ever seen -with a sky containing more stars than he ever thought could exist, and the sounds of five of his best friends chattering and beautiful music (hand-picked by Andrew) in the background- and he's going to say it. For once in his life, Jesse's going to make something happen.
Except, Andrew speaks first.
“I’m gonna miss you so much, Jess,” he says quietly. Just like that. “I'll miss you more than anyone else. Don’t tell the others I said that.”
The way that Andrew looks at Jesse after he says it, his deep brown eyes wide and glassy like he's looking at the most beautiful thing in the world, it makes Jesse feel beautiful, and wanted, and special. Jesse could cry, because for now, this is enough. They're getting there.
“I’ll miss you too. More than anyone else.”
***
Jesse’s only been home for a couple of days, and he’s already wishing that he was back at school. Being here, back in this place where he spent most of his life crying about the bullies at school, it makes him feel as though the last four months were just a big, surreal dream, like they never happened at all. He’s changed so much, but his home hasn’t. His Stalin biography, the one he threw across the yard last Summer, still lay dog-eared and dirty on his desk. Pictures of his cats still line the walls, reminders of the time when they were his only real friends.
From his still unpacked suitcase, he retrieves his copy of On The Road, and moves over to his window, the window he looked out of back in May when he watched Joe leave after Spring Break. He’s going to read through Andrew’s post-its, seeing as he has nothing better to do today. His parents have taken Hallie out to Walmart to pick-up some more food for their holiday feast, and Jesse was told to stay in and wait for his sister, Kerri, to arrive.
He climbs on top of the bookcase by his window, ready to read, when he hears a soft scratching sound. Jesse looks over his shoulder, it’s his cat Tia, scratching at the wood, wanting to get up. “Come on, then,” he says, reaching out a hand to lift her onto his lap. She curls into a fluffy ginger ball, ready to sleep.
Jesse opens the book, flicking through the pages, trying to find that pink post-it from before, the one that he wrote on too, hoping that Andrew had seen it and replied.
"I want to be like him. He's never hung-up, he goes every direction, he lets it all out, he knows time, he has nothing to do but rock back and forth. Man, he's the end! You see, if you go like him all the time you'll finally get it."
Jesse had written: "Is that really how you see me?"
His heart speeds up upon reading the four words that Andrew had added: “All day, every day x.”
Pulling it from the page, Jesse lifts an arm and sticks the note to the wall next to his bedroom window. Another addition to what he likes to call his 'Andrew Wall'. The page Andrew had torn from an Atlas, his note reminding Jesse not to 'forget about Brits', that picture of him wearing a top-hat, and the picture of Andrew and Jesse with the snow-man are all there. Andrew had sent Jesse the photo in the mail, 'Missing you x' written on the back.
Seeing all of this stuff grouped together, it makes Jesse believe all of the things Emma had been telling him over the last two months. Andrew likes Jesse too, he must do. Andrew is Jesse's missing piece, and Jesse likes to think that he could be Andrew's too. He feels golden.
He smiles, as content as he could ever be. As he turns back to his window, looking out across his snow-covered lawn, Jesse notices someone running across it.
It’s Joe, struggling to carry a stupidly large cardboard box, and he seems to be headed for the Eisenberg’s front door. Jesse scoops Tia up into his arms, makes his way out of his room, and downstairs. Jesse opens the door, and finds the box sat on his doorstep, but Joe’s no where to be seen. On top of the package, there’s a large note that reads: ‘Hanukkah gifts for Jesse - From Andrew, Joe, Emma, Justin, Josh and Armie :)’
“Where the hell did he get to?” Jesse asks, looking down at Tia, she’s wide awake again. He sticks his head a little further out of the door, and spots his best friend running -huffing and puffing- back to his own house. Once Joe gets off of the snow covered lawn and back onto the icy pavement, he slips, trips, and lands flat on his face, sprawled out like he’s trying to make a snow angel.
Jesse can’t help but laugh, and when Joe groans very audibly without getting up, that makes this situation all the more hilarious. “Are you okay?”
Joe gets back to his feet, he doesn‘t look back at Jesse. “Can we just pretend that you didn’t see that?!”
“Sure! Why were you running away?” Jesse yells back, still laughing.
“To create an air of mystery. I don’t know! See you later! Enjoy!”
“See ya!” Jesse waits until Joe is safely back inside his own house, before looking down at the box again. He places Tia back down so that he’s free to pick it up and bring it inside. She growls. “I’ve only got one pair of hands, just wait a sec.”
Jesse picks up the box, instantly shocked by its weight. Leaning back to keep himself from toppling over, he nudges the front door closed with his hip, and walks into the living room, placing the box on the coffee table. Tia jumps up onto the couch beside him, and Jesse wonders vaguely where Lucy and Keith -his other cats- have gotten to. Tia meows.
Jesse looks at her, tilting his head to one side. “What do you think is in there? I shouldn’t really open it, should I? Hanukkah hasn’t started yet.”
So, Jesse ignores the package, and tries his best to keep his raging curiosity at bay. He turns the TV on, flicking through the channels until he comes across a Christmas episode of Scrubs. His eyes, however, keep going back to the box. He’s just dying to know what’s in there, it’s probably just filled with the normal gifts friends get each other around this time of year. Candy, clothes, a couple of DVD’s. Though, Jesse’s never gotten gifts from his friends before, and he feels awful, because he didn't get them anything. They hadn't spoken about getting each other gifts.
He turns to Tia once more. “Don’t judge me, okay? I’m gonna open it, so don’t tell anyone.”
She doesn’t really seem to care, so Jesse pulls the note from the top of the box, and rips the tape off, excited, feeling like a kid again. As he looks inside, his eyes widen so much he fears they may fall from their sockets. These aren’t normal gifts, there are eight -one for each night- and from what they are alone, Jesse can tell who bought what.
From Joe, he receives a Gameboy Colour, with a game -Pokémon Yellow- which he probably procured on his visit to eBay last week. From Emma, a small bottle of cologne wrapped up in a blue and silver box that smells way too much like Andrew’s to be coincidental. Jesse can't complain.
Now Justin, he has clearly spent a small fortune on a black Armani belt which, according the note Justin left with it, would look “sweet” with Jesse’s new black jeans.
Armie’s gift comes in the form of a Top Gun DVD, with Andrew and Jesse’s faces photo-shopped onto Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’ bodies respectively. Jesse can’t help but laugh.
Josh’s gift causes Jesse to have a momentary fan-boy spaz, as it’s a signed photo of Muggsy Bogues, and it’s not a copy, because it actually says: “To Jesse, thanks for all the support! Best wishes, Muggsy Bogues.”
“H-Holy shit!” Jesse cries, grinning so hard his cheeks may split. He holds the picture out at arms length, breathing heavily. “I have Muggsy Bogues’ autograph. Oh god, oh god, oh god.” Quickly, terrified that he may besmirch its beauty by holding onto it for too long, Jesse slides the photo back into its padded envelope, and seals it back up with care.
The final two gifts, Andrew’s gifts, are the largest. The first is round, inside a black draw-string bag. Jesse takes it out of the box and opens it. It’s a black helmet, like the one Andrew wears when he’s riding his Vespa.
“Oh no,” Jesse says bluntly, shaking his head.
On the visor, is a post-it: “You can come on the back now!”
“You wish,” Jesse laughs fondly, sliding the helmet back into it’s bag. Though, the thought of clutching onto Andrew’s waist for any reason, and for any amount of time, does sound quite appealing.
The second gift from Andrew, and the final gift of the lot. Well, it’s definitely the most confusing. It’s a math text book, pretty thick, hard-covered, leather-bound and heavy. Why would Andrew buy him something like that? Jesse opens it, and almost instantly, the air is knocked right out of him, and his eyes are inexplicably filled with tears.
All the way through the book, Andrew has gone through with highlighters and gel-pens, he’s drawn diagrams, crossed out parts of the text, and left notes for Jesse, saying things like:
“I wouldn’t go about solving this sort of problem like that, this method would be a lot easier because there‘s no need to cross multiply.”
“This is important, make you remember this.”
“Why would they explain it like that? That makes no sense at all, I’ve explained it in much simpler terms at the bottom of the page.”
"This is stupid, just ignore that."
“Oh, the sine rule! You’re really good at that so we shouldn’t have to go over this too much! Yay! :D”
Andrew has done this on literally every page of the book, all four hundred and fifty-three pages, at least three notes per page. This must have taken him weeks to finish, his handwriting is perfectly neat, and his diagrams are all to scale and accurately labelled. He seems to have put so much time and effort into this, into something as mundane as a math textbook, all for Jesse. No one does something like this just to be nice. No one does. Jesse’s welling up over a text book, what are the chances?
Jesse sniffs hard, gently closing the book. He's definitely going to tell Andrew how he feels, he's not going to let anything stop him. And it's going to be soon.
~
* Andrew's second mix was made up of the following songs:
1) Machines - Biffy Clyro
2) Heartburn - Architects
3) There Is - Box Car Racer
4) I Caught Fire - The Used
5) Holding On - Simple Plan
6) Sidewalk When She Walks - Alexisonfire
Those songs can be listened to HERE, and once again, thank you all so much for waiting so patiently for this part. I'm sorry for taking so long, I'll try to be quicker next time. :)
Part Five (i)
Part: Four
Word Count: 9,202
Previous Parts: Prologue | Part One | Part Two | Part Three
~
Andrew Garfield should rob banks. Like really, he should, because he has this knack for getting through locked doors in such a way that it look as though nobody has broken in. He moves with stealth, like a cat burglar, like a cat. He doesn't make a sound, he doesn't wake anyone up, he's flawless. It seems that Andrew can get into any place, at any time. Apparently, he can get into locked dorm-rooms during the early hours of the morning.
Jesse is stood, bewildered, in the middle of his room, in a t-shirt and some boxers, staring up at the wall above his bookshelf. "And you didn't hear him come in?"
"No, of course not. You were asleep, I was asleep. He didn't wake either of us up, so neither of us heard him." On the other side of the room, Joe emerges from beneath his covers, squinting at the harsh light of the morning. His hair is fluffy and stuck up on one side.
Jesse blinks, smiling incredulously. Over the last couple of weeks, each of his friends have come over with a photo of themselves, cut out their faces, and stuck it onto Jesse's map of the US, right on their home towns.
Josh and Armie have crowded themselves together over the spot that is L.A; Emma's smiling brightly from Scottsdale; Justin's doing his best Derek Zoolander impression from Memphis; Joe's got his tongue stuck out in New York, with Jesse's photo right by his side. This really means something, because six months ago, Jesse would never have allowed this. He would never have allowed people to maim his maps. Things have changed.
"How do you know that it was him that did it anyway?" Joe asks, rolling over to face the wall and pulling the covers back over his head.
"Who else would it have been?"
Andrew had said a few days ago that just because his family is living in L.A right now, that doesn't mean it's his home town. He said that Epsom in Surrey is, because he grew up there, and now someone -clearly Andrew- has stuck a map of England on Jesse's wall, one edge all torn like it's been ripped out of an atlas. (Jesse plans to give Andrew a good talking to about that because it is not okay to abuse an atlas.) Andrew's picture is grinning wildly over the spot that represents Surrey, he's wearing a top hat and a monocle -okay, where did he get those from? Next to that, there's a post-it that reads: "Righto, Jesse. Don't forget us Brits now! x."
This wasn't on Jesse's wall last night, it wasn't there at precisely 11:32pm when Joe shut the light off. So between then and now -7:59am- Andrew had come over. Jesse can't help but imagine Andrew all kitted out in black, wearing a balaclava and doing forwards rolls all over to place to keep from being seen. Andrew is damn good. Jesse didn't even notice it up there when he got up ten minutes ago to use the bathroom and brush his teeth.
Of all things, Jesse should really be questioning how the hell Andrew got in here, but he's not concerned about that. Jesse, well, he just can't seem to tear his eyes away from that x, that tiny little thing. Totally insignificant, some would say. Andrew's left Jesse plenty of notes over the past few months, usually along the lines of 'Jesse, do your math homework!' or 'Hey, I didn't get what Shannon was talking about in History today, could you go over it with me?' Never before has Andrew left an x on the end, a... kiss.
It's a mark on a piece of paper, but Jesse feels all fluttery inside, because things have changed, been taken up a notch, a tiny notch, but a very good one all the same.
"You getting dressed or what?" Joe asks groggily, voice muffled by his comforter. "Just because it's the last week before the holidays, that doesn't mean they won't beat your ass if you're late."
Jesse moves over to his built-in closet. "Joe, you're always late."
"I think you'll find that I always make it to class within fifteen seconds of the bell, I'm never late." He doesn't move from his bed though.
Jesse eyes him, well, the mound that is Joe hidden beneath the covers. "Are you... are you gonna get up then?"
"I've got another sixteen minutes yet, it'll be fine."
"You've actually got fourteen, but whatever. On your head be it."
Jesse chuckles a little as he tugs one of his old navy hoodies over his head. He's taken to doing that lately, pairing up some of his old clothes with some of his new stuff, this way, he keeps both Andrew and Justin on side. Today, it's an old hoodie with a new pair of stone-washed jeans.
Jesse is very efficient in that he always ensures that his backpack is packed and ready the night before school, so that way, in the morning, he can just get dressed and walk right out of the door. He plans to find Andrew, and ask him how he managed to get into the dorm. Jesse doesn't mind that he did it, not at all, he just wants to know how. That'd probably explain how he manages to steal Armie's candy all the time as well.
Jesse slings his bag over his shoulder, directing his words at Joe. "See you at four then, once you get out of detention for being late."
"I won't be late!"
Jesse opens the door to leave, and upon doing so, finds himself face to face with none other than Andrew Garfield himself, his fist raised as if he was about to knock.
Jesse feels his mind empty of all irrelevant thought as he looks at Andrew, smiling gaily like it isn't first thing on a Winters morning -a Monday morning. That smile makes Jesse forgot what time of day it is too. Andrew's wearing those fingerless gloves again, and a parka, and a beanie and- "Okay, what the hell is that?" Jesse asks.
"Good morning to you too," Andrew grins, gesturing to himself. "It's a neck warming apparatus, i.e. a scarf."
"Right. Is, um," Jesse tilts his head, squinting, "is that the Gryffindor lion on there?"
"Yes." Andrew puffs out his chest, and Jesse notices for the first time that he's in fact a little wet, like he's been stood outside in the rain. A few strands of hair are sticking out from beneath his hat. "Joe gave it to me for my last birthday, I'm a Gryffindor."
"Yeah you are!" Joe yells encouragingly from the depths of the room.
"Why are you wearing a scarf, or any of this actually? Our classes are in the next building over, we won't be trekking across mountain ranges or anything like that." Though, knowing Andrew and his unpredictability, that could be entirely possible.
"It's snowing," Andrew states simply, eyes wide. “Haven’t you seen it?”
"Is it?"
"Yeah! Oh my god, it actually is!"
Jesse looks over his shoulder, and finds that Joe has actually gotten up, he's pulled the drapes back to look out of the window. From what Jesse can see, it's snowing pretty heavily, the sky is pale grey, so pale that it's difficult to tell where the sky ends and the ground begins. Thick clumps of white are floating past the window.
"I'd like to show you my Snow-Jesse," Andrew continues.
“I can see the snow just fine from here. Besides, it‘s not your snow,” Jesse replies slowly as if speaking to a crazy person, making circles in the air with his hands, “it’s everybody’s snow. You don’t own the snow.”
Andrew shakes his head fondly, smiling. "No! I’m not going to show you my snow, Jesse. I’m going to show you my Snow-Jesse.”
“Your what, now?”
"My Snow-Jesse. The snow man that I‘ve made, he‘s named after you, and he looks like you. Come on!" Andrew grabs one of Jesse's limp hands and drags him from the open doorway, into the hall.
Jesse can just make out Joe’s voice, yelling, “don’t you make him late!”
“Andrew, you’re such an idiot,” Jesse cries with no trace of malice in his tone, in fact, he’s giggling. Giggling. Like a little girl. “I haven’t got a jacket on!”
“Your hoodie will suffice, we won’t be out here long, a couple of minutes, tops!”
“Class starts in twelve minutes!”
“We’ll make it, don’t worry your pretty little head.”
Andrew flies out into The Square with Jesse in tow, their feet crunching down into the snow, a good few inches deep, leaving foot-prints. Jesse is hit by three things. First, it’s the sound. It seems that the entire student-body -aside from Joe- is out here, screaming and cheering, wrapped up warm in colourful Winter coats. Dozens of snowballs soar in arcs over head. Andrew dodges the other students with ease, and in some cases, charges right through groups of them, making them scatter and complain.
The second thing? The temperature. It’s colder than Jesse had been expecting, the icy chill of the wind burns his skin, and he can actually feel his cheeks and nose going pink, snowflakes float into his eyes every now and then, making them sting a little. He should have stopped Andrew. He should have insisted on being allowed to put on jacket before they left, and perhaps some gloves, maybe a scarf, and some thicker socks because the snow is melting through his brand new canvas shoes that Justin bought him last month.
The final thing? Well, it’s a snowball, it smacks Jesse right on the back of the head, thick and icy, making him squeal and jump. Little chunks of snow slide down his neck, melt into the collar of his shirt. Andrew doesn’t stop, so Jesse can’t look back at his attacker, but from the sound of that laughter, he can tell that it was none other than Armie Hammer. Josh’s voice follows.
“You were supposed to be aiming for Andrew, not Jesse!”
“Still funny!"
Andrew’s feet kick the snow up into Jesse’s shins as he’s hauled through the gap between the corners of the North and West buildings.
“Where is thing supposed to be anyway?” Jesse asks as he rubs at the back of his head, hair wet.
“It’s right there.” Andrew comes to an abrupt halt and Jesse stumbles into his back.
“Where?” Jesse asks quietly.
“There,” Andrew points to a vague shape sticking up out of the ground about twenty feet away. It’s difficult to make out, as the snow back here is crisp, white, and untouched. Not to mention the snow that's actually falling right now, blurring his vision. The rest of the students had stuck to The Square and hadn’t even thought of going out onto the playing fields. There are two sets of footprints leading out to the snowman - the Snow-Jesse, whatever- one going towards it, and one coming back. Both from Andrew.
Andrew looks over his shoulder at Jesse, smiling. “Want to take a closer look?”
“Sure,” Jesse grins. As they walk together, he says, “Armie hit me with a snowball.”
“I heard," Andrew points to a pair of almost perfectly circular wet patches on his sleeve. "He got me twice on the way over to yours. Double-whammy!"
“My hair’s wet," Jesse pouts.
“This’ll absorb it,” Andrew reaches up and paws at the back of Jesse’s head with a single gloved hand. “The wool, you know?”
A shiver runs down Jesse’s spine, goose bumps pop up all over his neck, and it isn’t from the melting snow, that's for sure.
Jesse frowns deeply at Andrew’s snowman as they finally reach it, it looks like any other snowman -a pair of crooked twigs for arms, stones for eyes, a row of smaller ones for a mouth, and a carrot for a nose.
“Mine isn’t that big, for one thing, nor is that orange,” Jesse smirks, poking at the vegetable.
“It’s the best I could do, okay? At least I got the hair right.” Andrew had made dozens of small snowballs and packed them all over the head of his snowman to look like curls.
“Okay, that’s pretty good,” Jesse smiles, “but my hair isn’t white!”
“There’s no such thing as brown snow, Jesse!” Andrew is yelling quite loudly, arms thrown out to the sides. His faux-angry face falters, and he begins to laugh. “Okay, there kind of is such thing as brown snow, but there’s no chance of me picking that up. That's just unhygienic and wrong.”
Jesse’s giggling as he turns back to the snow version of himself, throwing his hands up. "I'm just kidding, I love it. You're an artist, and he's... he's adorable!"
"Just like his namesake." Andrew smiles softly, just one corner of his mouth curling up. Which, too, is adorable. "We should definitely take a picture with him, before he melts, you know."
"A picture with a snowman? Really?"
"He's a Snow-Jesse, and yes," Andrew produces a digital camera from his pocket, switches it on, and holds it out at arms length -the lens facing inwards, the typical MySpace shot. He looks at Jesse, beckoning him over with his free hand. "Come on, get in!"
Jesse drops his backpack to the ground and slumps over to Andrew. Jesse hates having his picture taken, but he just can't say no to Andrew's gleeful, excited face. "The snow will ruin it though," he says, waving a few flakes away from his face.
"No it won't. Okay, we need to get Snow-Jesse in the middle so that he can be seen. Yeah, that seems about right. Ready? Smile!" Andrew lifts his spare hand to do a thumbs up, mouth wide open in a smile. Jesse, meanwhile, tries to do his best I-don't-want-to-look-like-I'm-trying-too-hard grin, but ends up laughing at what Andrew's doing. The flash goes off, and Andrew lowers the camera. He looks back on the picture and giggles. "That looks pretty good, doesn't it?
It does. In the picture, Jesse looks happier than he's ever felt, his eyes on Andrew, crinkled up with laughter. Andrew, of course, looks great as usual. Snowflakes can be seen in front of their faces, but it doesn't ruin the picture at all, it makes for a pretty good effect. The photo looks like it belongs on a Christmas card.
"I'll print you out a copy," Andrew says, putting the camera back into his pocket. When he looks up, he's still smiling.
Jesse could kiss him, he really could. Right now, in this quiet, snow covered place next to this snowman that's so ugly that it crosses the line back to cute. Except Jesse's too awkward, frightened and unsure of himself to do that. He wishes he were like Andrew, like any of his other friends actually. Impulsive, confident, ready to take what they want. Jesse's hands ache to reach out and touch Andrew's face, his mouth tingles with the need to feel his lips on his, but Jesse also wants to make sure that Andrew definitely feels the same way before taking that leap.
Jesse shakes his head, returning to the conversation. “So, uh… when did you get up to make this, anyway?”
Andrew shrugs, like what he's about to say is the most mundane thing in the world. “Six.”
“This took you two hours to make?” Jesse’s eyes widen considerably. Who gets up two hours early to go out into the freezing cold and make a snow man. Andrew does, clearly. There's a small child trapped inside this teenager.
“It took me an hour. I spent half an hour showering, getting dressed and catching an early breakfast, the cafeteria ladies really like me here, they gave me the carrot too. So I started at half six, was finished at half seven, and waited until eight to get you because I knew you’d be up by then," Andrew corrects. "I didn't want to wake you early."
“You creepy little stalker man.” Jesse shakes his head fondly. Part of him gets weirdly excited at the idea of Andrew caring about him to not want to wake him earlier than necessary. “Speaking of which, how did you get into my room last night?”
“Justin.” Andrew is staring off into the middle distance, smiling.
Jesse has resorted to jumping up and down to keep warm, rubbing his hands together to generate a little heat. “I don’t understand.”
“He’s Head Prefect, so he’s got access to the office in the reception, he has a key for it, keeps it in his bedside table.” In his peripheral vision, Andrew must be able to see how frantically Jesse is rubbing his hands together, as Andrew reaches out without looking, and takes them between his own gloved ones -still moist from the melted snow- and squeezes. “Sometimes, I borrow it and go down the office. They keep the spare dorm keys in there.”
Jesse looks down at his hands, his hands between Andrew’s, the first time that anyone has held his hand that wasn’t his mother or a reluctant ‘buddy’ on a elementary school field trip. All of these tiny, wonderful changes in his mundane life are all down to Andrew, and Jesse wouldn't have it any other way. He looks up from beneath his snow covered lashes. “So that’s how you’re always getting into Josh and Armie’s?”
“Yeah. Emma drove me into town once, I went to a key cutting place to get a copy made.”
“You’re terrible.”
Andrew looks down at Jesse, smiling right into his eyes. “I know.”
Then the bell rings shrilly, signalling the start of first period.
“We’d better get to class, then,” Andrew says, turning, keeping hold of one of Jesse’s hands. Jesse doesn’t move for a second, still in awe of the fact that Andrew’s doing the whole fingers-interlaced thing with him right now. It feels nicer and a lot more secure than Jesse had ever imagined. His whole body feels warm now, despite the weather. Andrew tugs, chuckling. “Come on! Joe told me not to make you late.”
As they begin to walk, the whole time, Jesse watches as his and Andrew's intertwined hands swing between their bodies. "Also, where in the hell did you get that top hat and monocle?"
Andrew does his famous head thrown back, throat exposed laugh, as if he's just remembered a hilarious inside joke. "Oh yeah! I forgot about those, I borrowed them from the drama club."
As the pair round the corner back onto The Square, Joe Mazzello -hoodie half on, half off- streaks past, yelling. “Shit! I’m gonna be late!”
***
"... so basically, when Dumbledore said 'Severus, please', he wasn't asking him not to kill him, he was asking him to kill him because he knew that he was going to die anyway." Joe is sat Indian-style, bouncing up and down on his bed, clutching his copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows to his chest, which he has just finished re-reading for the eleventh time. "Dumbledore had been planning his death with Snape the whole ti-"
"Joe, please!" Andrew rolls his eyes and turns back to Jesse. "I really don't care about Harry Potter."
Joe closes his book and places it on his bedside table. "Sorry," he replies quietly.
"Okay, I'm sorry for yelling," Andrew says coolly, flipping through the pages of his History text book. "It's just, this test is only ten minutes away, and if I fail, I'll get another phone call from home and I really cannot be dealing with that right before the holidays. I need to concentrate."
it's Andrew's and Jesse's final free period before their first big History exam. Mr.Shannon had said that he was required, by the Principal, to give the class assessment before every major school break to test their progress. Two hours of tutoring from Jesse, at first once, then twice a week -every week- since September, and Andrew has still got it into his head that he's going to fail.
"You're not gonna fail the test," Jesse smiles reassuringly, glancing through the various hand-outs they'd been given over the last few months. "We've gone over pretty much everything we've learned so far and you seem to have remembered it all just fine. I mean, you actually know who Stokely Carmichael is now."
Andrew sits up dead straight, proud. "He was a SNCC activist among many other things."
"And what does SNCC stand for?"
"Student Nonviolent Co-ordinating Committee."
Jesse smiles at Andrew, hard enough to make his cheeks ache and his dimples form. "You've got it! You're gonna pass, I can feel it."
"You think so?" Andrew looks at Jesse in such a way that Jesse just knows that if he says 'yes', then Andrew will believe it -will believe in himself- because in Andrew's mind, Jesse's opinion is worth ten of anyone else's.
"I know so," Jesse says with an air of finality to it, and Andrew's face softens. Jesse grabs Andrew's wrist and pushes the sleeve of his sweater back to check his watch, trying to ignore the quickening pulse beneath his fingers. "We'd better get down there then. It starts soon. See you later, Joe."
The pair get up from Jesse's bed and make their way over to the door.
"Good luck!" Joe calls, he lifts a hand as if he's in class. "Oh, can I borrow your laptop by the way, Jesse? I need to look on eBay."
"Yeah that's fine," Jesse looks over his shoulder, an eyebrow raised, "but why do you need to go on eBay?"
"Oh, now that would be telling." Joe grins, eyes shining. It's the kind of look that someone gives you before they plan to do something nice that inevitably ends up going wrong. There's not really anything Jesse could do to stop him, though.
"Fine. See you later."
Once they're out in the hall, with the door shut safely behind them, Jesse turns to Andrew, and asks, "What do you think he's looking for?"
"Oh, I don't know," Andrew picks up the pace a little bit, so that he's walking ahead of Jesse. From the tone of his voice -from that sound of a smile in his voice- Jesse can't help but feel as though Andrew knows something that he doesn't. "Maybe he's looking for something to add to his Lego Harry Potter set?"
Jesse shrugs, hands stuffed deep into his hoodie pockets. "Could be. He is missing Hermione."
***
"So, when are you going to tell him?"
"I haven't planned that far ahead yet," Jesse replies, staring into the back of Andrew's beanie-clad head as he talks animatedly to Justin about how well the History test went yesterday. Jesse swallows hard. "I've never told anyone that I liked them before. I've never liked anyone this much before, so that makes this whole thing doubly scary."
Emma smiles brightly, green eyes twinkling in the moonlight. "You shouldn't worry about it so much," she says quietly, voice even scratchier than usual as a result of the cold she's just getting over. "I know he feels the same way, I just know it. I've told you a million times."
Jesse looks away from her and rolls his eyes as if so say 'Yeah, right.' Emma thinks of herself as an expert on crushes, but she hasn't noticed that both Justin and Joe have a crush on her yet. "How far away is this lake anyway?" Jesse asks no one in particular.
"About a mile or two," Josh replies, turning around and forcing himself to walk backwards. In his North Face Puffa Jacket, he looks even bigger than usual. "It's beautiful there, isn't it, Em?"
"Gorgeous," Emma replies, turning back to Jesse. "Haven't you been to Morgan Lake before?"
Jesse shakes his head, "never."
"We go there every year on the last night before Christmas break, just sit and hang out, it's kind of a tradition."
The air is crisp and quiet as the group walk across the parking lot, and the remnants of Monday's snowfall has already melted away. The sky is inky black and clear -cloudless- dotted with stars. Jesse takes a deep breath, this is the kind of night that monumental things happen on -like in the movies- the last night before break. He won't be seeing Andrew until next year, next year is only two weeks away, but thinking of it as 'next year' does make it feel like an awful, painfully long time. Jesse will be in New York, Andrew will be in L.A. Pretty much as far away as they could possibly be from each other whilst remaining in the same country. It makes his chest ache.
Jesse looks down as he walks, in his gloved hands, he clutches the second CD that Andrew has made for him. It's called 'For Jesse pt. 2: Bonus Tracks', made up of six songs that Andrew had wanted to put on the first CD, but at the same time, he had felt that they wouldn't fit in with the others very well. He told Jesse earlier today, however, that he just couldn't stand the thought of Jesse never hearing those songs, so he had to put them into their own separate mix. *
On Jesse's iTunes, the first fourteen tracks in his '25 Most Played' were the songs taken from Andrew's first mix, and these new six will probably be added to that list in due course. If anyone were to look at that list, they'd think that Jesse has normal, decent taste in music, and that he doesn't spend his free time listening to the original cast recording from Cats on repeat.
In his pocket, Jesse carries his copy of On The Road that Andrew has just returned. He’s left the post-it notes in it, and Jesse is just dying to look through them all.
"So, who am I taking again?" Justin calls back to Emma as the group reach his Range Rover, his breath coming out as clouds in front of his face. He's wearing a double-breasted tweed jacket, and a red beanie that covers up his ears and forehead. "Anyone but the life-sized Ken Dolls."
"What's that, Billy? Who are you calling Ken Doll's? Is that a joke about Josh and I being blonde, because three years ago, when you were Junior," Armie's words are directed at Justin, but he's looking at Jesse as if to say 'get a load of this', "you bleached your hair and it ended up looking like Ramen noodles."
Jesse tries not to laugh because he really does care about Justin, but he allows a little giggle to escape as Josh gives Armie a high five, and the pair begin to laugh hysterically.
Justin shuts up, and Emma calls out. "I'm taking the Ken Doll's. Justin, you've got Andrew, Jesse and Joe."
"Why have I gotta go with him?" Joe pouts like a five year old, folding his arms across his chest. His ear muffs aren't doing much to help his child-like appearance either.
"You can come with me on the way back," Emma bends her knees, patting them as if trying to get puppy to come to her, "and you can choose a buddy to come with you!"
"Oh boy, really?!" Joe replies loudly, voice high-pitched.
"Yeah!" Emma giggles and prods his nose with her index finger. "Let's go then!"
After five minutes of persuasion from Andrew, Joe reluctantly sits up front with Justin -sitting on the far edge of his seat and staring hard out of the side window- whilst Andrew and Jesse sit together in the back of the Range Rover. As Justin pulls away, Andrew does that thing again, where he hooks an arm around Jesse's neck, getting him to lean his head onto Andrew's shoulder. Neither of them say a word, nor do Justin and Joe.
It's just... it's nice. This is all Jesse has ever wanted, to be driving through the night, the glow of the street-lights slanting through the windows, knowing that everything is going to be okay, even if just for a little while, because Andrew's here. Jesse turns his head, he's looking at the side of Andrew's neck, and he can smell him, up close, undiluted. Jesse wants to wake up with his face in Andrew's neck, every morning. Wants to run a single finger tip down Andrew's raised tendons, and kiss him right on that soft-looking spot right below his jaw. Jesse's head -it fits- fits right into that gap between Andrew's ear and shoulder like their bodies were made for one another in the same way that all the countries of the world would fit together if the oceans weren't in the way.
Corresponding pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
It seems completely unconnected and irrelevant, but in that moment, Jesse thinks of Armie and Josh, and the first time that he met them. How he was in awe of them and the way that they worked, the way that they always knew exactly what the other was thinking, how they could bounce off of one another so easily. Jesse remembers wanting that, wanting to feel that sort of connection towards someone else and have them feel it too. Armie and Josh really should have been twins, they're like brothers. Jesse doesn't have that with Andrew, he's got something way bigger and better than anything he'd ever anticipated.
Josh and Armie, they know each other so well because they're so alike, they always know exactly what the other is thinking because it's probably what they're thinking too. Andrew and Jesse aren't alike, they aren't similar. Andrew's loud, Jesse's quiet. The extrovert and the introvert. Left brain, right brain. Josh and Armie didn't have to work on their friendship, it just happened -two boys thrown together by chance or luck, or maybe even fate- and it worked instantly. Andrew and Jesse, they had to work hard to get where they are now. Their connection is based on understanding, learning how the other thinks, how the other one reacts.
Andrew knows that it's okay to put his arm around Jesse's shoulders, because he's done it before and he knows that that's okay with Jesse. Jesse wasn't shocked when he does it this time, because Andrew has done it before, it's to be expected now. Jesse's has learned Andrew's ways off by heart, and it seems that Andrew has done that same for Jesse.
Justin hasn't got any music playing, all is quiet. Jesse concentrates on the sound of Andrew's breathing, slow and relaxed. Jesse thinks about maybe asking Justin to put his new CD on, but decides against it. He's going to save it for a minute, until they've reached the lake. Emma can put it in her portable stereo -the one that she made Armie carry out to the cars- and let the music flow over everyone whilst they sit by the water under the stars. For now -sitting in this dark, quiet warmth- this is perfect.
Jesse feels Andrew shift next to him, and he speaks -quietly- down into Jesse's curls. "I've got some of Armie's Nerds in my pocket."
Jesse's not sure why, but he's throws his head back, laughing harder than he ever has before, ruining their lovely quiet moment with his weird sense of humor. Joe jumps in his seat with fright, and Justin yells, "What the fuck is going on back there?" whilst eyeing them in the rear-view mirror.
Jesse directs his answer at Andrew, "What you just said. That...that sounded so weirdly sexual!"
Andrew puts on his poshest -I should belong to the upper classes- accent. "I'm trying to seduce you with my sweeties!"
"Oh my god!" Jesse cries, still laughing.
Justin looks at Joe, an eyebrow raised, Joe does the same. For once in the entire time that they've known one another, they've agreed on something other that the fact that Emma is attractive, it's that those two guys sat in the back? Yeah, they're crazy.
"You sounded like James Bond, though!"
***
Joe is teaching Emma how to skim stones across the almost black, rippling surface of the lake the -making a big deal out of holding onto her wrist and waist. The other five sit with their legs dangling from the edge of a short boardwalk they'd found earlier, chewing on Armie's Nerds whilst the music from Jesse's new CD flows softly from the speakers of Emma's portable stereo.
Another Biffy Clyro song kicks off the proceedings, all acoustic and relaxing. Jesse has taken quite a shine to that band over the last couple of months -he likes the lead singer's voice, his Scottish accent- it makes him think of Britain, and of Andrew, in a weird sort of way, even though Andrew isn't Scottish himself.
Jesse hears Josh chuckle from Andrew's other side. "You see what Joe's doing there? With the stones? He totally stole that from Harry Potter. One of the deleted scenes that was meant to be in Deathly Hallows Part One -Ron teaches Hermione to skim stones just like that." Josh sits back, head held high with triumph, as if he's just made a great scientific breakthrough, "he's totally flirting."
"You think?" Andrew laughs. "Though, I think it's really cute. I just wish that he'd tell her how he feels is all." Andrew gently squeezes Jesse's hand, the one that he's got sandwiched between his own, resting in his lap. "They'd make the sweetest couple, don't you think?"
"They really would," Josh replies coolly, "but what about...?" He inclines his head to indicate Justin, who's sat down at the other end of the boardwalk, sulking about the cold, arms wrapped tightly around himself, shivering violently.
Andrew chuckles a little at his room mate, resting his cheek on the top of Jesse's head, which Josh either doesn't really notice or doesn't really mind. "Don't you worry about Justin, he'll be fine, he can get any girl he wants. Most of the girls in our grade are chasing after him. Emma and Joe, though? They need to happen."
"Yeah," Josh lets out one breathy laugh, looking out across the still water. "They'd have the cutest, freckliest, red-headed babies."
"Except Emma's a natural blonde," Jesse pipes up, grinning.
"Didn't know that," Josh shrugs, "they'd still have cute babies, though."
"Yeah," Andrew says, and after a beat he adds. "I call Godfather."
"Damn it," Josh replies.
Jesse chuckles fondly, and after a moment, things go quiet, so that all can be heard are the sounds of Emma stone's splashing into the water and Joe's soft words of encouragement, barely above a whisper. "You need to flick your wrist just a little harder, but otherwise you're doing just great."
Jesse feels oddly guilty, like he and the rest of them are encroaching on Emma and Joe's special, romantic moment. He feels like he shouldn't be here, like he should turn to Armie, Josh, Justin and Andrew, and say "Come on, let's go back." Joe and Emma, though? They don't really seem to mind. Emma probably has no idea how she's making Joe feel right now, and Joe? He's probably happy just to have her close by, her body pressed into his -just the same as Jesse feels about Andrew right now.
"Boy! I'd kill for a drink, anyone bring one?" Armie cries abruptly.
"I could too, actually," Josh says. "Hey, Em! We bring any drinks?"
Emma turns, as Joe is right behind her, he follows her movements. "Uh, yeah, there's a crate of Coke in the pick-up. Could you get me one too, actually?"
"And me?" Joe says to her, as if too afraid to ask Josh himself.
"And Joe too?" She grins sweetly, the kind of smile that compels a guy to do anything and everything a girl wants.
"Sure!" Josh rolls his eyes, getting to his feet. "I'll just bring the whole crate, but I'm not walking back to the truck alone at this time of night, who knows what's in those woods. Mad-men, axe-murderers, big -you know," he flaps his arms out at his sides to indicate wings, "bugs."
"Oh Josh!" Armie cries, the back of his hand pressed to his forehead, pretending to swoon. "You're so tough and manly!"
"Shut up!" Josh slaps him around the back of his head. "You know you wouldn't go back there by yourself either."
Armie chuckles, "I actually wouldn't."
“I’d like to go back to school, please! It‘s fucking freezing!” Justin yells, but no one pays attention to him.
"So you coming with me or not?" Josh continues.
"Uh..." Armie turns away from his room mate, and tilts his head to the side as he says, "that would be a no."
"Fucking hell, man!"
"It's okay!" Andrew calls happily, slapping his knees before climbing to his feet. "I'll come with you."
"Thank you!"
Andrew squeezes Jesse's shoulder affectionately before he leaves with Josh, walking down the path back into the dark woods. Jesse feels all of a sudden very cold, but that's to be expected, because his hand isn't in Andrew's any more, and his head isn't on his shoulder any more, and his side isn't pressed into his any more. Jesse hates to think it, he really does, but he kind of... misses him already. Oh gosh, he feels like such a girl. How is he going to deal with two weeks without Andrew? Jesse really doesn't know how he did it before, how he spent seventeen years of his life without having someone to feel close to. His life revolves around Andrew now, like it's split into two eras. 'Before Andrew', and 'With Andrew'.
The thought of an era known as 'Post Andrew' ever making itself known actually makes Jesse feel a little bit nauseous. He puts the idea out of his mind immediately.
"Forget Mozzarella and Emma getting together, it's all about you and Bambi, am I right Ship-Sinker?"
Jesse looks up. Despite his size, it seems that Armie can move without making a sound, because all of sudden, he's appeared right next to Jesse.
"What?" Below breath, Jesse adds, "does everyone know now?"
"Not everyone, as far as I'm aware," Armie says. His legs are so long that they actually reach the water below, he kicks, sending concentric ripples out into the lake, adding to Joe and Emma's. "I do notice these things you know. People get this idea into their heads that I'm just a jock, like all the others. Like all I care about is food, sports and Scrubs. That's not true you know, I notice shit. I pay attention to you guys, I do care."
"I know," Jesse replies, nodding softly. "I see you with Josh an-"
"Not just Josh," Armie adds quietly, "you too, and Emma, and Mozzarella, and Bambi -even if he does piss me off and steal my candy sometimes- and, believe it or not, Billy too. Josh and I, we're a little mean to him sometimes, but we don't mean it, it's all in good fun."
Jesse smiles, because yeah, as nice as Armie is, Jesse too had gotten it into his head that this blonde behemoth was just another jock -a lovely jock- but still a jock. But yeah, it seems that during those times when Armie was laid out on Josh's bed, telling everyone to be quiet so that he could hear the TV, he thinks too, and observes, watches his six best friends in the same way that Jesse does.
"Are you ever gonna tell me why you call Justin by the name Billy?"
"No. Though, maybe one day he'll tell you himself." Armie gives a small smile. After a moment of quiet, he adds, "Bambi's really chilled out since you've been on the scene, you know?"
"Has he?" Jesse pouts, eyes narrowed.
"Yeah, totally. Like before, every day, he'd be like," Armie puts on his best English accent. "Oh gosh, I must get this homework done at once! I simply cannot talk to anyone right now, I need to complete this mathematical equation. I cannot leave this room until I've read all five hundred pages of this text book!"
Jesse laughs through cold, chapped lips. "Andrew sounds nothing like that."
"You get the jist, though?" Armie grins. "But yeah, before? It was all school, school, school. Homework, homework, homework. Need to get into a good college, need to make my father proud, need to act like a forty year old instead of a teenager. With all your vulnerability and endearingness... is that even a word? You've taught him, I don't know, that you can still do well and act your age."
Jesse shakes his head as if Armie had just said the most ridiculous thing in the world. "I don't act my age."
"You act closer to your age than he did before you came along. This Bambi we know now? The fun, happy-go-lucky, giggly one? He's new, and he's brilliant. He's always been in there, and you-" Armie prods Jesse's chest a little harder than necessary. "-you brought him out. You're the best thing to ever happen to him..."
Jesse turns his head at Josh's approaching voice, coming back out of the woods with Andrew, a crate of soda in his arms, bright, unburdened smile reflecting the moonlight. Armie continues on "... Bambi says so himself."
Well that, for one thing, caught Jesse's attention. "He actually said that?"
Armie's eyes widen with sincerity as he moves back to the place he was originally sitting. "Oh yeah."
Jesse looks down into the water, at his smiling reflection, so giddy he's afraid he may faint, fall into the water. He hears the sound of the soda crate being placed onto the ground behind him, then Andrew's approaching footsteps. "Cokes, ahoy!"
"Thanks Maverick," Jesse says quickly, taking a can from Andrew, heart beating in beneath his ribs like a bird in a tiny cage.
“No problem, Goose.” Jesse expects Andrew to slide back into position beside him, but he doesn’t, he remains standing. Jesse looks up at him, confused.
“Feel like coming for a walk?” Andrew asks softly.
“Yeah, definitely.”
Jesse gets to his feet, and allows Andrew to lead the way. They don’t walk into the woods, just around the edge of the lake, past Emma and Joe (They catch the end of Joe's latest rap, something along the lines of "You own the stone because you're Emma Stone!") and walk further still. Jesse goes to crack open his can of Coke, but Andrew grabs his hand out of no where, lacing his fingers through Jesse’s, holding it tight.
This is just second nature now, the hand holding. Just another thing that Andrew tried out once, and continues to do because Jesse was fine with it the first time. Jesse isn’t just fine with it, he loves it, craves it. That touch, that contact, that feeling of knowing that there is an actual human male out there that actually wants to be alone with him for more than a couple of minutes at a time.
When Jesse was a kid, he wouldn’t have done this, walked around a lake at night. You know? Because of the water that he could fall into, or the woods he could get lost in, or the dark that scary things could be hiding in. With Andrew, it’s as easy as breathing. Every fear, every feeling of anxiety floats away like smoke. This is what it feels like to be unburdened, this is what it feels like to be happy.
Something deep inside of Jesse tells him that now would be a good time to say something, a good a time as any, to just say it. I really like you, I'm falling for you, I think I love you. No, I love you. Because Jesse does, he knows that now. He's never been in love before, but he's always heard people say that when you fall in love for the first time, you just know it. It hits you right in the face.
For Jesse, it came dressed in a plaid shirt, sprinting at him down the math corridor.
Jesse nods to himself, turns, goes to open his mouth and say the words. He's going to say them, right now, he's going to be brave. He's going to take this night, the prettiest he's ever seen -with a sky containing more stars than he ever thought could exist, and the sounds of five of his best friends chattering and beautiful music (hand-picked by Andrew) in the background- and he's going to say it. For once in his life, Jesse's going to make something happen.
Except, Andrew speaks first.
“I’m gonna miss you so much, Jess,” he says quietly. Just like that. “I'll miss you more than anyone else. Don’t tell the others I said that.”
The way that Andrew looks at Jesse after he says it, his deep brown eyes wide and glassy like he's looking at the most beautiful thing in the world, it makes Jesse feel beautiful, and wanted, and special. Jesse could cry, because for now, this is enough. They're getting there.
“I’ll miss you too. More than anyone else.”
***
Jesse’s only been home for a couple of days, and he’s already wishing that he was back at school. Being here, back in this place where he spent most of his life crying about the bullies at school, it makes him feel as though the last four months were just a big, surreal dream, like they never happened at all. He’s changed so much, but his home hasn’t. His Stalin biography, the one he threw across the yard last Summer, still lay dog-eared and dirty on his desk. Pictures of his cats still line the walls, reminders of the time when they were his only real friends.
From his still unpacked suitcase, he retrieves his copy of On The Road, and moves over to his window, the window he looked out of back in May when he watched Joe leave after Spring Break. He’s going to read through Andrew’s post-its, seeing as he has nothing better to do today. His parents have taken Hallie out to Walmart to pick-up some more food for their holiday feast, and Jesse was told to stay in and wait for his sister, Kerri, to arrive.
He climbs on top of the bookcase by his window, ready to read, when he hears a soft scratching sound. Jesse looks over his shoulder, it’s his cat Tia, scratching at the wood, wanting to get up. “Come on, then,” he says, reaching out a hand to lift her onto his lap. She curls into a fluffy ginger ball, ready to sleep.
Jesse opens the book, flicking through the pages, trying to find that pink post-it from before, the one that he wrote on too, hoping that Andrew had seen it and replied.
"I want to be like him. He's never hung-up, he goes every direction, he lets it all out, he knows time, he has nothing to do but rock back and forth. Man, he's the end! You see, if you go like him all the time you'll finally get it."
Jesse had written: "Is that really how you see me?"
His heart speeds up upon reading the four words that Andrew had added: “All day, every day x.”
Pulling it from the page, Jesse lifts an arm and sticks the note to the wall next to his bedroom window. Another addition to what he likes to call his 'Andrew Wall'. The page Andrew had torn from an Atlas, his note reminding Jesse not to 'forget about Brits', that picture of him wearing a top-hat, and the picture of Andrew and Jesse with the snow-man are all there. Andrew had sent Jesse the photo in the mail, 'Missing you x' written on the back.
Seeing all of this stuff grouped together, it makes Jesse believe all of the things Emma had been telling him over the last two months. Andrew likes Jesse too, he must do. Andrew is Jesse's missing piece, and Jesse likes to think that he could be Andrew's too. He feels golden.
He smiles, as content as he could ever be. As he turns back to his window, looking out across his snow-covered lawn, Jesse notices someone running across it.
It’s Joe, struggling to carry a stupidly large cardboard box, and he seems to be headed for the Eisenberg’s front door. Jesse scoops Tia up into his arms, makes his way out of his room, and downstairs. Jesse opens the door, and finds the box sat on his doorstep, but Joe’s no where to be seen. On top of the package, there’s a large note that reads: ‘Hanukkah gifts for Jesse - From Andrew, Joe, Emma, Justin, Josh and Armie :)’
“Where the hell did he get to?” Jesse asks, looking down at Tia, she’s wide awake again. He sticks his head a little further out of the door, and spots his best friend running -huffing and puffing- back to his own house. Once Joe gets off of the snow covered lawn and back onto the icy pavement, he slips, trips, and lands flat on his face, sprawled out like he’s trying to make a snow angel.
Jesse can’t help but laugh, and when Joe groans very audibly without getting up, that makes this situation all the more hilarious. “Are you okay?”
Joe gets back to his feet, he doesn‘t look back at Jesse. “Can we just pretend that you didn’t see that?!”
“Sure! Why were you running away?” Jesse yells back, still laughing.
“To create an air of mystery. I don’t know! See you later! Enjoy!”
“See ya!” Jesse waits until Joe is safely back inside his own house, before looking down at the box again. He places Tia back down so that he’s free to pick it up and bring it inside. She growls. “I’ve only got one pair of hands, just wait a sec.”
Jesse picks up the box, instantly shocked by its weight. Leaning back to keep himself from toppling over, he nudges the front door closed with his hip, and walks into the living room, placing the box on the coffee table. Tia jumps up onto the couch beside him, and Jesse wonders vaguely where Lucy and Keith -his other cats- have gotten to. Tia meows.
Jesse looks at her, tilting his head to one side. “What do you think is in there? I shouldn’t really open it, should I? Hanukkah hasn’t started yet.”
So, Jesse ignores the package, and tries his best to keep his raging curiosity at bay. He turns the TV on, flicking through the channels until he comes across a Christmas episode of Scrubs. His eyes, however, keep going back to the box. He’s just dying to know what’s in there, it’s probably just filled with the normal gifts friends get each other around this time of year. Candy, clothes, a couple of DVD’s. Though, Jesse’s never gotten gifts from his friends before, and he feels awful, because he didn't get them anything. They hadn't spoken about getting each other gifts.
He turns to Tia once more. “Don’t judge me, okay? I’m gonna open it, so don’t tell anyone.”
She doesn’t really seem to care, so Jesse pulls the note from the top of the box, and rips the tape off, excited, feeling like a kid again. As he looks inside, his eyes widen so much he fears they may fall from their sockets. These aren’t normal gifts, there are eight -one for each night- and from what they are alone, Jesse can tell who bought what.
From Joe, he receives a Gameboy Colour, with a game -Pokémon Yellow- which he probably procured on his visit to eBay last week. From Emma, a small bottle of cologne wrapped up in a blue and silver box that smells way too much like Andrew’s to be coincidental. Jesse can't complain.
Now Justin, he has clearly spent a small fortune on a black Armani belt which, according the note Justin left with it, would look “sweet” with Jesse’s new black jeans.
Armie’s gift comes in the form of a Top Gun DVD, with Andrew and Jesse’s faces photo-shopped onto Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis’ bodies respectively. Jesse can’t help but laugh.
Josh’s gift causes Jesse to have a momentary fan-boy spaz, as it’s a signed photo of Muggsy Bogues, and it’s not a copy, because it actually says: “To Jesse, thanks for all the support! Best wishes, Muggsy Bogues.”
“H-Holy shit!” Jesse cries, grinning so hard his cheeks may split. He holds the picture out at arms length, breathing heavily. “I have Muggsy Bogues’ autograph. Oh god, oh god, oh god.” Quickly, terrified that he may besmirch its beauty by holding onto it for too long, Jesse slides the photo back into its padded envelope, and seals it back up with care.
The final two gifts, Andrew’s gifts, are the largest. The first is round, inside a black draw-string bag. Jesse takes it out of the box and opens it. It’s a black helmet, like the one Andrew wears when he’s riding his Vespa.
“Oh no,” Jesse says bluntly, shaking his head.
On the visor, is a post-it: “You can come on the back now!”
“You wish,” Jesse laughs fondly, sliding the helmet back into it’s bag. Though, the thought of clutching onto Andrew’s waist for any reason, and for any amount of time, does sound quite appealing.
The second gift from Andrew, and the final gift of the lot. Well, it’s definitely the most confusing. It’s a math text book, pretty thick, hard-covered, leather-bound and heavy. Why would Andrew buy him something like that? Jesse opens it, and almost instantly, the air is knocked right out of him, and his eyes are inexplicably filled with tears.
All the way through the book, Andrew has gone through with highlighters and gel-pens, he’s drawn diagrams, crossed out parts of the text, and left notes for Jesse, saying things like:
“I wouldn’t go about solving this sort of problem like that, this method would be a lot easier because there‘s no need to cross multiply.”
“This is important, make you remember this.”
“Why would they explain it like that? That makes no sense at all, I’ve explained it in much simpler terms at the bottom of the page.”
"This is stupid, just ignore that."
“Oh, the sine rule! You’re really good at that so we shouldn’t have to go over this too much! Yay! :D”
Andrew has done this on literally every page of the book, all four hundred and fifty-three pages, at least three notes per page. This must have taken him weeks to finish, his handwriting is perfectly neat, and his diagrams are all to scale and accurately labelled. He seems to have put so much time and effort into this, into something as mundane as a math textbook, all for Jesse. No one does something like this just to be nice. No one does. Jesse’s welling up over a text book, what are the chances?
Jesse sniffs hard, gently closing the book. He's definitely going to tell Andrew how he feels, he's not going to let anything stop him. And it's going to be soon.
~
* Andrew's second mix was made up of the following songs:
1) Machines - Biffy Clyro
2) Heartburn - Architects
3) There Is - Box Car Racer
4) I Caught Fire - The Used
5) Holding On - Simple Plan
6) Sidewalk When She Walks - Alexisonfire
Those songs can be listened to HERE, and once again, thank you all so much for waiting so patiently for this part. I'm sorry for taking so long, I'll try to be quicker next time. :)
Part Five (i)