(no subject)
For some reason, Spring Break just got ooberly confusing....
Yesterday I was just hanging out at home when my phone rings...and it's Mike...he told me he had a surprise and that he was going to drop by. I thought he was bringing his duck ((we had a bet about his duck and when it was fully grown I was supposed to meet him)). Well I walked outside and I didn't see anything...or anybody....I looked over towards my garage and there was Matt. Yah....ex-boyfriend Matt...Illinois Matt....the guy that broke my heart Matt....
So of course, excited to see one of my best friends ((or used to be at least)) I ran towards him and almost knocked him off the stairs.
And after the original "OMGAWD it's Matt!!!"" feeling let off....it was incredibly awkward. We went for a walk...kinda talked about Illinois....he hates it there. He said one thing that made me feel really awkward...he said "That's why I didn't want to come back. I didn't want to see you...and then leave and have to miss you all over again..." Now....in the past....those were the words I had been dying to hear. I always wanted Matt's love, support, and romance. But now...it's all different...
The lines between friends and more have all gotten fuzzy...where do I stop him from telling me how he feels? Auston is....my everything now....Matt has suddenly become just a friend...which is something he NEVER was to me. But that's where I want him. I'm happy now. I have a stable relationsip...I love him...
What do you say to a guy that you used to care for so much that he made you cry every night....the guy that broke your heart into a million peices when it was time to say goodbye...I used to think he'd be the only guy for me...
But like I said, the lines are fuzzy now...
And he won't stop insulting Auston. That just...isn't right. He seems to think that by constantly insulting him we will gain back what we used to have...but I am beginging to wonder if we ever had anything at all...By insulting Auston, all he does is make me disrespect him more...
Oh well. What do you do? What CAN I do? Not much. If Matt and I can't be friends....then we can't be anything...because right now, that's what I want from him. friendship I want the guy that used to be able to make me laugh when things were horrible...the guy that was my best guy friend, the guy next door kind of personality...I can't accept this new, jealous Matt...
Oh well.
The rest of Spring Break ((prior to Mr. Russell showing up)) has been fun. Friday Brittany spent the night, it was nice to hang out, just the girls for once. Man problems aside...All though I consider myself very lucky in the man category...I've got the best one =D ((And I ♥ his mohawk =D))
Saturday I went to Frakenmuth with Auston and some of his family. Him and I walked around Riverplace and enjoyed the cold air...the beautiful scenary...all the cute shops...Then we went to the resteraunt and ate. It was a wonderful night =D
Oh and if anyone could give me or this girl some advice...let us know...
hopeleslidvotd28: yah....i don't know what to tell you hunnie
hopeleslidvotd28: i mean in your shoes i'd be a lot more assertive and would lay down the line for him so i don't get hurt...but babe that's because i have been hurt before in the worst possible way, and i won't let a guy to that to me again. once you GET hurt you understand that you hAVE to stand up for yourself...it's a dog-eat-dog world and people just go right for the throat...if he is fooling us all, we need to know
hopeleslidvotd28: the only one who seems to have the power to find out...is you....
hopeleslidvotd22: i know..and i want to just tell him to stop this..to just get over everything...and tell me what the hell is going on...but im not an assertive person...you know that...i don't like feeling like i HAVE to be assertive...like i have to fight all these other girls for him...and i know that im the only one with the power to find out whats going on...its just that im too scared to actually find out...
hopeleslidvotd28: and by assertive i don't mean to fight the other grrls...i mean assertive to stop him from everything he's doing, tell him you NEED to talk, and to sit down and explain to him that this attack on his character is overly suspicious....WHY WON'T YOU BE WITH ME? why do you NEED to have all these other girls....and most importantly....aren't I enough??
hopeleslidvotd22: it amazes me that all these things...these are all the questions that ive wanted to ask him forever...every time i try to ask him...or think about asking him...my heart hurts too much to do it...ive cried..when i was online with him..and on the phone with him...he never knew...but it happens...and theres nothing i can do to stop it...its just that i dont want him to break my heart...anymore than he already has...
hopeleslidvotd28: i've been here before....what do i say? what do i do? how to i stop myself from getting hurt and all along the signs are there, it's a big whirlwind of confusion that you can't stop....you don't know HOW to stop....maybe you don't want to...
hopeleslidvotd22: exactly..its like...theres all these signs..and things telling me...telling me that i should just give up on him..and i dont know how to handle it...im getting different stories from every damn person i talk to...and its like...no matter what type of horrible things i hear...i dont want to believe they could ever possibly be true...i want to stop myself from getting hurt...i just don't know how...and i honestly dont think im ready to give up...
XO
Nikki