Raison d'être
It has taken me a long time to write this. It has taken me a long time to write anything actually. I guess, a part of me doesn't quite trust these words just as much as I did before. My words seem to come out in slow streams of hesitation, instead of raw self actualization - much unlike before. I don't know if it's because I've become more aware of what moves in me, (the acknowledgment of my past, or the small hope of what the future might hold) or if I've simply regressed into my apathetic shell. I am also unsure if I'm subconsiously welcoming the latter possibility. But those words, they just don't move in me anymore.
I was just talking to Andrew the other day about how I felt that by realizing how idealistc my relationships were, I had become more and more convinced that I didn't actually feel anything real. (In all honesty, I think that was a rather fulfilling conversation we had, seeing that we almost never carry out long discussions about our feelings) I told him about how miserable I felt whenever people bring you up..because I just couldn't understand how someone could just stand by and let such a promising friendship burn into nothingness. I mean, I get how we're all born, selfish in nature, and our minds are wired to deny the onslaught of emotional disasters. But surely, deep down, lies our conscious need (upon maturing) to fix what needs to be fixed - isn't there? Why do you choose to fix the people furthest from you and instead casually neglect the ones closest? How do you live knowing that it's just a matter of time before the people closest to you choose to leave? How do you even live knowing that? And what's worse is, I had so much of myself invested in you and now it seems I have lost them all along with you too. I have now, become so INCAPABLE of giving myself to people, committing to a cause, feeling what I did, tolerating emotional abuse and doing things for people irk me to no end. All this, I was previously willing to do.
It is a shame I can't say this to you now. But I guess I'm not really in a position to say all this (it is after all, your life.), but that's an issue you need to deal with. I can't say that my mind is completely clear right now, or that I feel nothing for you. However, I do know that I will never feel the same again. That as insignificant as I was within your circle, you were right in the center of mine and as a result, whilst your circle is still full, mine is now empty.
I'd like to think that somewhere, you're hoping that I've moved on beautifully with my own life, and that I've taken your last advice - and am still pursuing hope and love. If words still moved in me, I swear I'd give you a piece of my mind. Nothing in me is the same, and I wish with ever fibre of my being, that you'd find this and understand that nothing will ever be the same. I will never stand up in the same way, but neither will I fall in the same way. But I do hope that you see how much you've helped me too, even if you had destroyed me quite suddenly. Because ultimately, it is always easier to construct from the deconstructed.
Anyway, Andrew ended off by saying, that I need to find someone else to believe in. Because for all I know, you don't really give a damn at all and sometimes, people work that way. So with a shrug, I agreed.
I was just talking to Andrew the other day about how I felt that by realizing how idealistc my relationships were, I had become more and more convinced that I didn't actually feel anything real. (In all honesty, I think that was a rather fulfilling conversation we had, seeing that we almost never carry out long discussions about our feelings) I told him about how miserable I felt whenever people bring you up..because I just couldn't understand how someone could just stand by and let such a promising friendship burn into nothingness. I mean, I get how we're all born, selfish in nature, and our minds are wired to deny the onslaught of emotional disasters. But surely, deep down, lies our conscious need (upon maturing) to fix what needs to be fixed - isn't there? Why do you choose to fix the people furthest from you and instead casually neglect the ones closest? How do you live knowing that it's just a matter of time before the people closest to you choose to leave? How do you even live knowing that? And what's worse is, I had so much of myself invested in you and now it seems I have lost them all along with you too. I have now, become so INCAPABLE of giving myself to people, committing to a cause, feeling what I did, tolerating emotional abuse and doing things for people irk me to no end. All this, I was previously willing to do.
It is a shame I can't say this to you now. But I guess I'm not really in a position to say all this (it is after all, your life.), but that's an issue you need to deal with. I can't say that my mind is completely clear right now, or that I feel nothing for you. However, I do know that I will never feel the same again. That as insignificant as I was within your circle, you were right in the center of mine and as a result, whilst your circle is still full, mine is now empty.
I'd like to think that somewhere, you're hoping that I've moved on beautifully with my own life, and that I've taken your last advice - and am still pursuing hope and love. If words still moved in me, I swear I'd give you a piece of my mind. Nothing in me is the same, and I wish with ever fibre of my being, that you'd find this and understand that nothing will ever be the same. I will never stand up in the same way, but neither will I fall in the same way. But I do hope that you see how much you've helped me too, even if you had destroyed me quite suddenly. Because ultimately, it is always easier to construct from the deconstructed.
Anyway, Andrew ended off by saying, that I need to find someone else to believe in. Because for all I know, you don't really give a damn at all and sometimes, people work that way. So with a shrug, I agreed.