Fxcking A right this shxt is happening faster than I hoped it would...
It seems I don't have to wash my hands, or wait to make my own new years resolutions happen.
The things I had chosen not to erase from my life up to this point have (much to my surprise) started to or completely erased themselves. With little to no intervention of my own. And everything will do better without me as I am...in the current state that I am in.
The biggest burdens on my mind are now gone, and I am fit to live life as I wish to the extent of my ability for the next two months without lifting a finger. But I will lift 5, and lay them all across the face of my own personal disappointment.
After New Years Eve/Day, I will remove myself from your lives while I continue the long trek of backing myself into a corner. (I have been working on this for a while). When I have finally had enough of what is left of who I am now, I will eradicate my psychological and emotional ties to things I deem unnecessary to forging a solid form of myself.
It will be the most selfish thing I have ever done.
I have spent a great deal of time and effort sacrificing my own beliefs, preferences, and habits in order to accommodate the presence of the despair around me. And it has not been in vain. I have learned so much from what has happened around me, and all of it will be the majority of what I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
The rumors, drama, and lies you will hear are to be taken with as much appreciation as you have for the ones that are made about you. Unless someone tells you I am dead.
I'll never die.
----
There have been a couple of people I have spoken with about "shutting myself down". And that is exactly what is happening now. (your hand might be on your forehead as you're reading this, but I really don't fxcking care)
I have nothing to prove to you, nor do I care about the mockery you might make of these statements...this is me recycling the things I like about me now in an effort to make up for all the time I've spent exploring unpredictability.
I'm pretty sure that I gave up on myself when I realized I had forgotten how to be passionate about what I do. When my life, at home and everywhere else, became habit. From the moment that I woke up (whenever that was) to the point that I fell asleep...I became far too comfortable with just dealing with the day as the day dealt its events to me. And it's funny to me to think that the things I did wouldn't happen if I didn't try to do them.
Because that was bullshxt.
And due to it all, I have now become my own worst enemy. The people that I look down upon for being lazy, untimely, and inefficient (in combination).
I have at least retained my ability to keep my wits about me. I know exactly what has happened, and even encouraged certain parts of it to work out to my benefit. I have almost narrowed everything down to one thing I have to worry about.
Me.
I'll start there when I'm done with modifying myself back to a comfortable place.
And from there...I think I'll just obliterate the other things that have held me back.
----
Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while. It's not that I don't care...it's just that I'm working on teaching myself that I still can.
----
Ta.
The things I had chosen not to erase from my life up to this point have (much to my surprise) started to or completely erased themselves. With little to no intervention of my own. And everything will do better without me as I am...in the current state that I am in.
The biggest burdens on my mind are now gone, and I am fit to live life as I wish to the extent of my ability for the next two months without lifting a finger. But I will lift 5, and lay them all across the face of my own personal disappointment.
After New Years Eve/Day, I will remove myself from your lives while I continue the long trek of backing myself into a corner. (I have been working on this for a while). When I have finally had enough of what is left of who I am now, I will eradicate my psychological and emotional ties to things I deem unnecessary to forging a solid form of myself.
It will be the most selfish thing I have ever done.
I have spent a great deal of time and effort sacrificing my own beliefs, preferences, and habits in order to accommodate the presence of the despair around me. And it has not been in vain. I have learned so much from what has happened around me, and all of it will be the majority of what I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
The rumors, drama, and lies you will hear are to be taken with as much appreciation as you have for the ones that are made about you. Unless someone tells you I am dead.
I'll never die.
----
There have been a couple of people I have spoken with about "shutting myself down". And that is exactly what is happening now. (your hand might be on your forehead as you're reading this, but I really don't fxcking care)
I have nothing to prove to you, nor do I care about the mockery you might make of these statements...this is me recycling the things I like about me now in an effort to make up for all the time I've spent exploring unpredictability.
I'm pretty sure that I gave up on myself when I realized I had forgotten how to be passionate about what I do. When my life, at home and everywhere else, became habit. From the moment that I woke up (whenever that was) to the point that I fell asleep...I became far too comfortable with just dealing with the day as the day dealt its events to me. And it's funny to me to think that the things I did wouldn't happen if I didn't try to do them.
Because that was bullshxt.
And due to it all, I have now become my own worst enemy. The people that I look down upon for being lazy, untimely, and inefficient (in combination).
I have at least retained my ability to keep my wits about me. I know exactly what has happened, and even encouraged certain parts of it to work out to my benefit. I have almost narrowed everything down to one thing I have to worry about.
Me.
I'll start there when I'm done with modifying myself back to a comfortable place.
And from there...I think I'll just obliterate the other things that have held me back.
----
Don't be surprised if you don't hear from me for a while. It's not that I don't care...it's just that I'm working on teaching myself that I still can.
----
Ta.