Ah, Journal. We Meet Again...
Nearly a two hour walk from my Planned Parenthood appointment later, I ended up at work two hours early. I collapsed into my chair, trying to recuperate and decide what to do for lunch. Drop off my stuff, head back out and walk to the diner or gas station? Fuck that. Ordering Chinese food - no more walking for now. Oh, my ex-boyfriend both picked up the phone to take my order and delivered my food. How... awkward. WTF, life?
On the bright side, my Planned Parenthood appointment went awesomely. Because I applied for financial help (some kind of special health insurance for Planned Parenting or whatever) my annual exam, including screening for all things, pregnancy test and three months of birth control packs... were free! WHOA. YES, please.
So here I am, still an hour and a half until my shift starts, Chinese food thankfully at my side (oh, I had been craving Chinese food so badly) and I figure I'll write in my good old journal. Before Facebook and Twitter documented all my life stuff, I came here to the journal websites, LiveJournal and DeadJournal. I miss my journals, but once I started updating Facebook and Twitter so much, writing in my journal seemed pointless. I wish I hadn't stopped - I loved writing in my journals, and documenting everything I do has helped me numerous times. (My DeadJournal saved my ass at the DMV once - long story.)
Currently, my Facebook and FetLife are killed off, plus my phone gets shut off or ignored quite frequently. A slew of drama, bullshit and fabrication happened and I'm basically sick to death of people. I'm hurt by what happened and I need a break. I was actually, *ACTUALLY* behaving, save for one or two innocent mistakes and yet I got called out on stuff that was either misunderstood or untrue. And I lost some people I really cared about. It sucks. It hurts like hell. I'm angry. But I'm not going to play anyone's game, so here I am, a bit of a hermit. The break is nice, I just hate the conditions it's under. There is a party at my house tomorrow and I'm not even going. There are a couple reasons I'm not going, most of it centering around me being butthurt about one thing or another. I found somewhere else to be that should be good for me, and on Sunday I get to see some family I haven't seen in a while, so that's nice. I have only had two people I've trusted enough to talk to about everything going on, and quite honestly I haven't had the energy or the desire to talk about most of it. It takes up too much energy, hurts too much and I don't want to prove people right on certain things - so venting the general feeling of "what the fuck" here the best I can helps. I had to miss therapy today due to a lack of a ride, but hopefully I'll get to see my guy next week to let him know how everything has fallen down around me. I've had people reach out to me but I have ignored them. So I can't really complain about feeling alone, but I do. Problem is, I don't trust anyone enough to reach out, nor do I want to have too many people know my problems. It's lame, but such is life.
Now I truly have to worry about me. I still think this may be the Higher Power's way of getting me to finally move out of state, I don't know. I was staying in Connecticut for my friends and for faire. Now I've lost some of the friends I really cared about, and considering they're involved in faire, it'll make faire awkward. I feel like as much as this loss sucks horribly, it may be what I need to move on. Maybe moving out of state is the answer, and maybe it'll help me. Maybe my location won't make a damn difference. I really won't know until I try. This severance may be exactly what I need.
I'm trying so incredibly hard to make things right, to get going in the right direction, to grow as a person and say good-bye to the old me that I hated so much. I like myself a hell of a lot more than I used to, and I think that's a damn good start.
The most important thing right now is to plan out my next move and make it. And it has to be good. Goddamn it, I will make it.
On the bright side, my Planned Parenthood appointment went awesomely. Because I applied for financial help (some kind of special health insurance for Planned Parenting or whatever) my annual exam, including screening for all things, pregnancy test and three months of birth control packs... were free! WHOA. YES, please.
So here I am, still an hour and a half until my shift starts, Chinese food thankfully at my side (oh, I had been craving Chinese food so badly) and I figure I'll write in my good old journal. Before Facebook and Twitter documented all my life stuff, I came here to the journal websites, LiveJournal and DeadJournal. I miss my journals, but once I started updating Facebook and Twitter so much, writing in my journal seemed pointless. I wish I hadn't stopped - I loved writing in my journals, and documenting everything I do has helped me numerous times. (My DeadJournal saved my ass at the DMV once - long story.)
Currently, my Facebook and FetLife are killed off, plus my phone gets shut off or ignored quite frequently. A slew of drama, bullshit and fabrication happened and I'm basically sick to death of people. I'm hurt by what happened and I need a break. I was actually, *ACTUALLY* behaving, save for one or two innocent mistakes and yet I got called out on stuff that was either misunderstood or untrue. And I lost some people I really cared about. It sucks. It hurts like hell. I'm angry. But I'm not going to play anyone's game, so here I am, a bit of a hermit. The break is nice, I just hate the conditions it's under. There is a party at my house tomorrow and I'm not even going. There are a couple reasons I'm not going, most of it centering around me being butthurt about one thing or another. I found somewhere else to be that should be good for me, and on Sunday I get to see some family I haven't seen in a while, so that's nice. I have only had two people I've trusted enough to talk to about everything going on, and quite honestly I haven't had the energy or the desire to talk about most of it. It takes up too much energy, hurts too much and I don't want to prove people right on certain things - so venting the general feeling of "what the fuck" here the best I can helps. I had to miss therapy today due to a lack of a ride, but hopefully I'll get to see my guy next week to let him know how everything has fallen down around me. I've had people reach out to me but I have ignored them. So I can't really complain about feeling alone, but I do. Problem is, I don't trust anyone enough to reach out, nor do I want to have too many people know my problems. It's lame, but such is life.
Now I truly have to worry about me. I still think this may be the Higher Power's way of getting me to finally move out of state, I don't know. I was staying in Connecticut for my friends and for faire. Now I've lost some of the friends I really cared about, and considering they're involved in faire, it'll make faire awkward. I feel like as much as this loss sucks horribly, it may be what I need to move on. Maybe moving out of state is the answer, and maybe it'll help me. Maybe my location won't make a damn difference. I really won't know until I try. This severance may be exactly what I need.
I'm trying so incredibly hard to make things right, to get going in the right direction, to grow as a person and say good-bye to the old me that I hated so much. I like myself a hell of a lot more than I used to, and I think that's a damn good start.
The most important thing right now is to plan out my next move and make it. And it has to be good. Goddamn it, I will make it.