(no subject)
Dallas was good. Marvel brodate with my ke aloha Koa was good (Thor2 was very pretty). The drive was easier than I expected. I wish I didn't work weekends and so much or I'd have to say I'd try to go more often. Very relaxing, and the city makes me happy.
Time with Koa is always good until I leave. I like having Koa around. I hate not having him around. I've decided to stop talking to him altogether because this bothers the both of us.
I have a lot to do and get done, and despite becoming a very strong person the passed year (hat tip Koa on the help with that) I'm still very tired and discouraged.
I think I just need more sleep, to up my protein intake, and maybe add another night that I go running (especially with the weather becoming nicer and nicer).
I go to AZ soon, and I need that. I need my fam and I need to remember how to connect with people. Even my weekend with Koa was with me removed and apathetic. I wasn't always like this, so maybe remembering how to put my heart back on my sleeve would be good.
I need to re-tune my guitar as well. While with Koa we drank some rum, he made me a fire (he's thoughtful like that) and we turned all the lights off and I played him some songs while sitting on the floor with the fire warming my back and he laid on the couch watching me, and I think I may of messed up my guitar somewhere during that.
That was a nice moment, now that I've mentioned that. The entire weekend was nice moments honestly, because as I said before, Koa is always nice to have around. He's just not good to not have around. I miss his dumb face and his snarky comments and just generally having Koa around. He's useful and calming. But I love him for who he is, not what he does, and actions and gestures are important especially at this age and for non-romantic and non-sexual dynamics (friendship, is the word, but I don't put much stock in that word anymore).
And I've become sure that once there is a certain amount of damage in a dynamic there is no over coming it or a reason to. So I think loving him from here and cutting the ties is a good idea.
In conclusion:
+I miss Koa already
+I need an adultier adult
+I am tired
+AZ soon so maybe I remember not to be so cold anymore
Time with Koa is always good until I leave. I like having Koa around. I hate not having him around. I've decided to stop talking to him altogether because this bothers the both of us.
I have a lot to do and get done, and despite becoming a very strong person the passed year (hat tip Koa on the help with that) I'm still very tired and discouraged.
I think I just need more sleep, to up my protein intake, and maybe add another night that I go running (especially with the weather becoming nicer and nicer).
I go to AZ soon, and I need that. I need my fam and I need to remember how to connect with people. Even my weekend with Koa was with me removed and apathetic. I wasn't always like this, so maybe remembering how to put my heart back on my sleeve would be good.
I need to re-tune my guitar as well. While with Koa we drank some rum, he made me a fire (he's thoughtful like that) and we turned all the lights off and I played him some songs while sitting on the floor with the fire warming my back and he laid on the couch watching me, and I think I may of messed up my guitar somewhere during that.
That was a nice moment, now that I've mentioned that. The entire weekend was nice moments honestly, because as I said before, Koa is always nice to have around. He's just not good to not have around. I miss his dumb face and his snarky comments and just generally having Koa around. He's useful and calming. But I love him for who he is, not what he does, and actions and gestures are important especially at this age and for non-romantic and non-sexual dynamics (friendship, is the word, but I don't put much stock in that word anymore).
And I've become sure that once there is a certain amount of damage in a dynamic there is no over coming it or a reason to. So I think loving him from here and cutting the ties is a good idea.
In conclusion:
+I miss Koa already
+I need an adultier adult
+I am tired
+AZ soon so maybe I remember not to be so cold anymore