white lines blow away
i'm updating my livejournal instead of studying for the logic final i have in forty five minutes. i make excellent life choices.
everything is huge and terrible right now. i need to barely pass this class, then move out of my room. on friday i'll be flying to orange county (i sometimes like to call it home) for what might be the last time. my mom is retiring to arizona, using the hefty equity she earned in her ten-year stint through the oc real estate boom. it's going to be a strange trip, for more than one reason.
for many years i've had a stability in having a consistent home and a consistent best friend. it's possible for the first time in my life that i will be losing both of those for an indefinite stretch of time. i'm much lonelier than i've ever been in my life, but i suppose there's something exhilarating about losing such huge parts of myself. i know that if i am to be a better person for others, i should consciously make an effort to not be attached to anything in this life. my loved ones are the most important part of my life, but i can only depend on myself.
i am so much stronger than i was a year and a half ago. when i was younger, i was all compassion and open arms. compassion without strength is dangerous and unhealthy for my relationships though. as i've learned to be more self-reliant, i've come to understand that i'm only able to better myself (and so be better for the ones i love) if i go into my relationships with a stronger understanding of my own expectations. i once thought that selflessness was the highest good, and i would strive to help the ones i love regardless of the emotional burden. i was a shade of a person, living only for others and not having a self to exist for. though i would still give everything i have to help someone that i love, i know that i am strong enough to stand alone.
i have a lot to think about. oh, and a final to fail.
everything is huge and terrible right now. i need to barely pass this class, then move out of my room. on friday i'll be flying to orange county (i sometimes like to call it home) for what might be the last time. my mom is retiring to arizona, using the hefty equity she earned in her ten-year stint through the oc real estate boom. it's going to be a strange trip, for more than one reason.
for many years i've had a stability in having a consistent home and a consistent best friend. it's possible for the first time in my life that i will be losing both of those for an indefinite stretch of time. i'm much lonelier than i've ever been in my life, but i suppose there's something exhilarating about losing such huge parts of myself. i know that if i am to be a better person for others, i should consciously make an effort to not be attached to anything in this life. my loved ones are the most important part of my life, but i can only depend on myself.
i am so much stronger than i was a year and a half ago. when i was younger, i was all compassion and open arms. compassion without strength is dangerous and unhealthy for my relationships though. as i've learned to be more self-reliant, i've come to understand that i'm only able to better myself (and so be better for the ones i love) if i go into my relationships with a stronger understanding of my own expectations. i once thought that selflessness was the highest good, and i would strive to help the ones i love regardless of the emotional burden. i was a shade of a person, living only for others and not having a self to exist for. though i would still give everything i have to help someone that i love, i know that i am strong enough to stand alone.
i have a lot to think about. oh, and a final to fail.