The Battle of Unclean Water: An Epic Struggle of Man vs. Toilet
This afternoon while the rest of you were attending classes or doing something productive or fun, I was involved in an epic battle for survival against none other than.....my toilet.
It began as I was preparing to leave for my Oceanography class. After getting ready to go, I felt that natural biological urge to urinate. I made my way to the bathroom to fulfill my urges. Upon entering the bathroom and preparing to do my business I noticed that there was a little bit of toilet paper at the bottom, sticking half-way out of the drain hole. This should have sent off alarms that my suitemate had once again clogged the toilet and failed to perform his duty as a citizen to unclog it. But I was in a hurry so I didn't have time to flush before I went to the bathroom. So I ignored it, did my #1, zipped my pants, and flushed. The battle had begun!
Immediately upon pulling the lever I realized that disaster was about to strike. Instead of going downward the toilet water began to rise. As a veteran of many titanic struggles with toilets all over America I did not panic. I instinctively employed the tried and true method of preventing overflow: turning off the water. I quickly reached down to the base of the toilet to tighten the valve that regulated water flow. Then a sickening feeling of despair overtook me as I saw that my $521.25/month dorm room did not even have a toilet with a water valve! Panic sank in.
I looked back up at the toilet bowl. The water was now rising rapidly. I knew that overflow was inevitable. And to make matters worse, chunks of toilet paper were erupting from the Evil Drainage Hole. I watched with fear as the water level grew higher and higher, awaiting the inevitable. Thankfully, in the final fractions of a second before my enemy's terrible blitzkrieg attack I gathered my courage and my veteran clog-defeating senses returned. I was able to save my bathroom rugs by pulling them out of harm's way. And just in the knick of time too......The eruption had begun!
Water, wet toilet paper, and "other" things started spewing out of the depths of my enemy, destroying everything below it. The Great Flood of Unclean Water spread across the bathroom floor. I needed to find some higher elevation to escape it's fatal flow- and fast. I retreated to the hills, or rather the raised tile around my shower. It was here that I was forced to watch with horror as tide after tide of the awful fluid emerged from my assailant, the toilet. Finally it ceased. But it's destruction was immense and I was trapped on high ground and everything around me was submerged in The Toxic Waste. There was inches of water everywhere, blocking both of my exits. I knew that I would have to put my life on the line and try to make it across or die by eventual starvation on the raised tiles. I would have to jump for it. I was not about to leave this world surrounded by dirty toilet water. I said a prayer to God and I made a leap of faith. It would be my belief in Him that would carry me across.
With all my strength I jumped from the shower to the exit and past the reaches of The Flood. Now I could be on the offensive. It was time to take the fight to the enemy! I summoned the help of a bath towel. And he threw himself into certain death onto The Toxic Waters. May he rest in peace. With the opportunity made possible by the sacrifice of my comrade I was able to grab my weapon, and this was a weapon that strikes fear into the heart of all toilets seeking to destroy the human race. I was now wielding The Supreme Destroyer of Clogs: my super deluxe, industrial, spring powered heavy duty plunger, complete with a hollow cavity to allow for maximum suction, fluid pushing power! With The Supreme Destroyer and God on my side I attacked my enemy. I took the battle right to his evil heart. I plunged and I plunged and I plunged. He was well fortified with much resistance holed up in his pipes. The struggle exhausted me. But I knew I could not give up! I must defeat this toilet. Finally in a final plunge of desperation his defenses collapsed. The waters receded and the toilet made the wonderful gurgling sound that meant it had flushed. VICTORY WAS MINE!!!!!! I called in the back-up of a mop and mopped up the remaining pockets of resistance off the war-torn landscape of my bathroom floor.
I had won the battle. But victory came at a high price. The life of a brave towel was given in defense of this great nation. I gave him a proper funeral by sending him down the trash chute. Rest in Peace my friend. I owe you my life.
****USE CAUTION NEXT TIME YOU FLUSH YOUR TOILET. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL MOUNT A SURPRISE ATTACK.
It began as I was preparing to leave for my Oceanography class. After getting ready to go, I felt that natural biological urge to urinate. I made my way to the bathroom to fulfill my urges. Upon entering the bathroom and preparing to do my business I noticed that there was a little bit of toilet paper at the bottom, sticking half-way out of the drain hole. This should have sent off alarms that my suitemate had once again clogged the toilet and failed to perform his duty as a citizen to unclog it. But I was in a hurry so I didn't have time to flush before I went to the bathroom. So I ignored it, did my #1, zipped my pants, and flushed. The battle had begun!
Immediately upon pulling the lever I realized that disaster was about to strike. Instead of going downward the toilet water began to rise. As a veteran of many titanic struggles with toilets all over America I did not panic. I instinctively employed the tried and true method of preventing overflow: turning off the water. I quickly reached down to the base of the toilet to tighten the valve that regulated water flow. Then a sickening feeling of despair overtook me as I saw that my $521.25/month dorm room did not even have a toilet with a water valve! Panic sank in.
I looked back up at the toilet bowl. The water was now rising rapidly. I knew that overflow was inevitable. And to make matters worse, chunks of toilet paper were erupting from the Evil Drainage Hole. I watched with fear as the water level grew higher and higher, awaiting the inevitable. Thankfully, in the final fractions of a second before my enemy's terrible blitzkrieg attack I gathered my courage and my veteran clog-defeating senses returned. I was able to save my bathroom rugs by pulling them out of harm's way. And just in the knick of time too......The eruption had begun!
Water, wet toilet paper, and "other" things started spewing out of the depths of my enemy, destroying everything below it. The Great Flood of Unclean Water spread across the bathroom floor. I needed to find some higher elevation to escape it's fatal flow- and fast. I retreated to the hills, or rather the raised tile around my shower. It was here that I was forced to watch with horror as tide after tide of the awful fluid emerged from my assailant, the toilet. Finally it ceased. But it's destruction was immense and I was trapped on high ground and everything around me was submerged in The Toxic Waste. There was inches of water everywhere, blocking both of my exits. I knew that I would have to put my life on the line and try to make it across or die by eventual starvation on the raised tiles. I would have to jump for it. I was not about to leave this world surrounded by dirty toilet water. I said a prayer to God and I made a leap of faith. It would be my belief in Him that would carry me across.
With all my strength I jumped from the shower to the exit and past the reaches of The Flood. Now I could be on the offensive. It was time to take the fight to the enemy! I summoned the help of a bath towel. And he threw himself into certain death onto The Toxic Waters. May he rest in peace. With the opportunity made possible by the sacrifice of my comrade I was able to grab my weapon, and this was a weapon that strikes fear into the heart of all toilets seeking to destroy the human race. I was now wielding The Supreme Destroyer of Clogs: my super deluxe, industrial, spring powered heavy duty plunger, complete with a hollow cavity to allow for maximum suction, fluid pushing power! With The Supreme Destroyer and God on my side I attacked my enemy. I took the battle right to his evil heart. I plunged and I plunged and I plunged. He was well fortified with much resistance holed up in his pipes. The struggle exhausted me. But I knew I could not give up! I must defeat this toilet. Finally in a final plunge of desperation his defenses collapsed. The waters receded and the toilet made the wonderful gurgling sound that meant it had flushed. VICTORY WAS MINE!!!!!! I called in the back-up of a mop and mopped up the remaining pockets of resistance off the war-torn landscape of my bathroom floor.
I had won the battle. But victory came at a high price. The life of a brave towel was given in defense of this great nation. I gave him a proper funeral by sending him down the trash chute. Rest in Peace my friend. I owe you my life.
****USE CAUTION NEXT TIME YOU FLUSH YOUR TOILET. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL MOUNT A SURPRISE ATTACK.