and the truth comes out
these are my thoughts. this is what goes on inside my head
you could call it impecable timing im not sure wat it is. But it is however the people that were in my life and when they were in my life fallows a pattern of impeccable timing. There have been certain people in my life that have caught me in different phases, each phase I went through had people or a person that would catch me in the exact opposite phase of what they needed or wanted. I’m going to talk about some of these phases and the partners that went with them. In no specific order: one of my phases, more or less my party phase. I was always drunk or high and this particular person I was with is the epitome unrealiable/drunk/partys too hard kind of guy. Not wat I needed, especially Diana being in the “state” of moring.. over the gold medal drug dealer. In another phase which was my distance and distrusting phase came an interesting person. This person had passion and a lot of love.they offered me themselves and more... and I turned my back and walked in other direction.this was me.
Last year there was something about me that set me back. this "thing" is interesting it can be related to a game. I went by my own game. Everyone and everything had its own set or rules. Consequently distancing me and keeping my guard up towards everyone. I try to be nice, and appreciate things in my life. Life is hard. True statement. In some cases something bad happens and u move on and grow. Sometimes though something bad can happen, then another, then another and another. Somthing happened the other day. It wasn’t the event that made me upset it was the bigger picture of things and where I am. this "thing" that happend, well it happend. and this the event caused me to write this entry. and be honest with everyone. When somthing bad happens it take something in me to get over it. Are there limits though. Can u run out. Give up. People can make their judgments about me that... I avoid things, and push things to the side of my head. don’t think about them till they get really bad, impulsive, irrational. Whatever. The truth is I don’t dwell on things I reflect on them. And move on.. well this its different now. the series of events through out a two year period have sadly reflected on my personality. Why now? some might say I hold things in. not true. Theres a difference I think a lot about things. Too much. But I don’t talk a lot. And I didnt open up or trust anyone. Of course when I become more honest. I was already too late for who someone who cared in the past. ironic. its kindof like time zones. When im awake the other persons asleep. Back to my point of timeing.. I have impeccable timeing. the worst. So ofcourse I strive for something different and exciting. (I choose the worst people to trust) ive choose, un loyal friends, guys that cheat, people that don’t care, conniving people. Of course this only magnifys and makes the situation worse.so I keep moving. Eventually I end up back home. I go to my room that had new furniture and red curtains. I look around. the once new furnitture and red cutrains become dull. I saw colorful paintings stretche all over my grey clean walls. That I had done through out the year. i see hundred Posters,sketches and photos scotch taped to any flat or hard surface. My room is dark. And theres nothing in it. Whats left. When every other option has left or gone away. Ur turn to ur last support system. Family. The worst thing I have ever done. So basicily in between all this commotion comes in ur last and only hope. No it doesn’t work out. Instead they tell u they don’t like u. and that ur the cause of their problems. That’s a lot to put on someone. but they take it further and enroll u into “camp”. Reunion with tyler perhaps. yay . and if not possibly they grab and stretch and pull u until something in u snaps. They start talking to boarding schools. Bringing home applications to fill. Could this be called a Solution? Nope.. the solution for crazy people is to solve ‘their problem’ with 300 ml of wellbutrin, prozac and Zoloft. Sometimes I cant help but think ive pushed everyone out. When so many things go wrong and it traces back to you. You cant help to view the scenario differently and in guilt. Even though ive tried so hard to rebuild these bridges that I have burned.. well.. “constant effort yields certain success”. I don’t kno what to do. Do I keep on moving and let things change naturally. or do i work on the people ive lost and tired so hard find. but there gone. (dont dissagree its true.)So do I keep looking for something that’s not even there. All I can say is that people change, ive changed and Ive cried. And my heart hurts to much to do anything else. I stand alone. Solely because people like the poetencial of what I can be and not the bigger picture. Not even with school, friends, lovers , and family
the end
-julia taft
you could call it impecable timing im not sure wat it is. But it is however the people that were in my life and when they were in my life fallows a pattern of impeccable timing. There have been certain people in my life that have caught me in different phases, each phase I went through had people or a person that would catch me in the exact opposite phase of what they needed or wanted. I’m going to talk about some of these phases and the partners that went with them. In no specific order: one of my phases, more or less my party phase. I was always drunk or high and this particular person I was with is the epitome unrealiable/drunk/partys too hard kind of guy. Not wat I needed, especially Diana being in the “state” of moring.. over the gold medal drug dealer. In another phase which was my distance and distrusting phase came an interesting person. This person had passion and a lot of love.they offered me themselves and more... and I turned my back and walked in other direction.this was me.
Last year there was something about me that set me back. this "thing" is interesting it can be related to a game. I went by my own game. Everyone and everything had its own set or rules. Consequently distancing me and keeping my guard up towards everyone. I try to be nice, and appreciate things in my life. Life is hard. True statement. In some cases something bad happens and u move on and grow. Sometimes though something bad can happen, then another, then another and another. Somthing happened the other day. It wasn’t the event that made me upset it was the bigger picture of things and where I am. this "thing" that happend, well it happend. and this the event caused me to write this entry. and be honest with everyone. When somthing bad happens it take something in me to get over it. Are there limits though. Can u run out. Give up. People can make their judgments about me that... I avoid things, and push things to the side of my head. don’t think about them till they get really bad, impulsive, irrational. Whatever. The truth is I don’t dwell on things I reflect on them. And move on.. well this its different now. the series of events through out a two year period have sadly reflected on my personality. Why now? some might say I hold things in. not true. Theres a difference I think a lot about things. Too much. But I don’t talk a lot. And I didnt open up or trust anyone. Of course when I become more honest. I was already too late for who someone who cared in the past. ironic. its kindof like time zones. When im awake the other persons asleep. Back to my point of timeing.. I have impeccable timeing. the worst. So ofcourse I strive for something different and exciting. (I choose the worst people to trust) ive choose, un loyal friends, guys that cheat, people that don’t care, conniving people. Of course this only magnifys and makes the situation worse.so I keep moving. Eventually I end up back home. I go to my room that had new furniture and red curtains. I look around. the once new furnitture and red cutrains become dull. I saw colorful paintings stretche all over my grey clean walls. That I had done through out the year. i see hundred Posters,sketches and photos scotch taped to any flat or hard surface. My room is dark. And theres nothing in it. Whats left. When every other option has left or gone away. Ur turn to ur last support system. Family. The worst thing I have ever done. So basicily in between all this commotion comes in ur last and only hope. No it doesn’t work out. Instead they tell u they don’t like u. and that ur the cause of their problems. That’s a lot to put on someone. but they take it further and enroll u into “camp”. Reunion with tyler perhaps. yay . and if not possibly they grab and stretch and pull u until something in u snaps. They start talking to boarding schools. Bringing home applications to fill. Could this be called a Solution? Nope.. the solution for crazy people is to solve ‘their problem’ with 300 ml of wellbutrin, prozac and Zoloft. Sometimes I cant help but think ive pushed everyone out. When so many things go wrong and it traces back to you. You cant help to view the scenario differently and in guilt. Even though ive tried so hard to rebuild these bridges that I have burned.. well.. “constant effort yields certain success”. I don’t kno what to do. Do I keep on moving and let things change naturally. or do i work on the people ive lost and tired so hard find. but there gone. (dont dissagree its true.)So do I keep looking for something that’s not even there. All I can say is that people change, ive changed and Ive cried. And my heart hurts to much to do anything else. I stand alone. Solely because people like the poetencial of what I can be and not the bigger picture. Not even with school, friends, lovers , and family
the end
-julia taft