Emily this is a reply to your comment... you can read if you want (anyone)
ok if you wanna talk... I am very suicidal and I just feel worthless on the earth I dont see why I am here. It is all completely pointless. I just feel so freaking stuck and stupid. This guy I met on a chance and we hit it off and I REALLY like him and he and I are both cutters (which I didn't kind out until later) we have so much in common it is unreal. I really like him ALOT!!!! I can't stop thinking about him and I can't seem to get enough of him I just want more and more of him when I I am with him. But he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now because he has a lot of his own personal problem to deal with and he doesn;t think he can handle a relationship. He says that he likes me and that he thinks I am great person. He says he really likes to hang out with me. We would be perfect together and everyone says so. I just can't have him and there is nothing I can do about it. It is like tempting me with something that I can't quite reach.
On the other hand my parents have always been very critical of what I look like that I don't look the best and that I shouldn't wear that and I should do my hear like this. I need to loose some weight and guys will like me. I need to fix this and that I need to be just the way they want me to be. Then other times they couldn't care if I were to jump off a bridge and could care less about what I physically do except for college and they expect so much of me. They don't care if I am piss drunk and come home at 4 in the morning. But GOD forbid if I wear a baggy shit that they think is dirty and old and that make me look fat and unpresentable. They want to talk more about feeling and to get things out but when I share my opinion they just shluf it off. and If I have a problem with oe of there opinions they yell at me for even thinking it was wrong. If I say anything about it they say something like well we aren't perfect! I know they aren't perfect I am just asking for a little respect I want some of my own responsiblitity. I want freedom. But I want to know that if I fall hard on my ass and am doing a bad job you guide me in the right direction not tell me that I am doing it wrong and that I am stupid and that I am never going to get there like that. Or that I have the wrong this or that and I am never going to do it. That is how I feel. My parents and the fact the guy I like is right in front of my face and I can't have him. I am stuggling to get rid of this urge I have had for a week now. I am stuggling to keep my focus on God and Jesus. I am doing the best I can to give this all to them. But it just seems like everytime I start to get happy Somthing goes worng and I am not happy anymore. I just want to go take 100 sleeping pills and die. Or slit my wrists. I feel so friggin stupid!
I did try to talk to them they still think its is ok to tell me what I should and should not wear. My mom thinks I lost the job at Lowes because I was wearing a t-shirt to the interview. It was the last thing I had clean. I had short sleeve shirts, but I didn't want to show them my scars. I wore a t-shirt. My Pants are never good enough for my dad. I can't just be my self I have to be fake. I hate it! I did try to talk to them tonight. My mom said that she NEVER does it. SHE DOES!!!! OMG SHE DOES!!! Then My dad said he does it for my own good and says I am never going to get anywhere in life unless I dress appropriatly. (sp?) I just hate my life right now.
I know you guys care. I just need some GUY to care. I really do LOVE you guys But I need a boy to care. Even if it was som random guy. I just wish someone that wasn't taken by somone else would just like me for me. I wish kyle would let me work on things with him. I wish something would happen!! I donno I am just going crazy! I need to take my pills and knock my self out! I hate me right now.... night....
oh I found this on another Xanga site
Focus on the physical pain
Tears fall from my face like acid rain
Blood flows from my wrist
As I make a fist
Some, but not I, find this fun
Reality sets in as I realize what I've done
I'm lost inside another cut
Praying desperately that it heals shut
A knock comes on the door
I get up off the floor
Is everything all right, a voice calls
Silently, the rusted blade falls
and this...
Now I lay me down to sleep
Knowing that my life's complete
I won't wake up to see the next day
I've gone too deep this time
I can see the bone through the blood
Now I lay me down to sleep
As the all the lights slowly fade out
A blank expression on my face
And when you finally discover me dead
Please, don't weep - my soul's gone with my head
Now I lay me down to sleep
On the other hand my parents have always been very critical of what I look like that I don't look the best and that I shouldn't wear that and I should do my hear like this. I need to loose some weight and guys will like me. I need to fix this and that I need to be just the way they want me to be. Then other times they couldn't care if I were to jump off a bridge and could care less about what I physically do except for college and they expect so much of me. They don't care if I am piss drunk and come home at 4 in the morning. But GOD forbid if I wear a baggy shit that they think is dirty and old and that make me look fat and unpresentable. They want to talk more about feeling and to get things out but when I share my opinion they just shluf it off. and If I have a problem with oe of there opinions they yell at me for even thinking it was wrong. If I say anything about it they say something like well we aren't perfect! I know they aren't perfect I am just asking for a little respect I want some of my own responsiblitity. I want freedom. But I want to know that if I fall hard on my ass and am doing a bad job you guide me in the right direction not tell me that I am doing it wrong and that I am stupid and that I am never going to get there like that. Or that I have the wrong this or that and I am never going to do it. That is how I feel. My parents and the fact the guy I like is right in front of my face and I can't have him. I am stuggling to get rid of this urge I have had for a week now. I am stuggling to keep my focus on God and Jesus. I am doing the best I can to give this all to them. But it just seems like everytime I start to get happy Somthing goes worng and I am not happy anymore. I just want to go take 100 sleeping pills and die. Or slit my wrists. I feel so friggin stupid!
I did try to talk to them they still think its is ok to tell me what I should and should not wear. My mom thinks I lost the job at Lowes because I was wearing a t-shirt to the interview. It was the last thing I had clean. I had short sleeve shirts, but I didn't want to show them my scars. I wore a t-shirt. My Pants are never good enough for my dad. I can't just be my self I have to be fake. I hate it! I did try to talk to them tonight. My mom said that she NEVER does it. SHE DOES!!!! OMG SHE DOES!!! Then My dad said he does it for my own good and says I am never going to get anywhere in life unless I dress appropriatly. (sp?) I just hate my life right now.
I know you guys care. I just need some GUY to care. I really do LOVE you guys But I need a boy to care. Even if it was som random guy. I just wish someone that wasn't taken by somone else would just like me for me. I wish kyle would let me work on things with him. I wish something would happen!! I donno I am just going crazy! I need to take my pills and knock my self out! I hate me right now.... night....
oh I found this on another Xanga site
Focus on the physical pain
Tears fall from my face like acid rain
Blood flows from my wrist
As I make a fist
Some, but not I, find this fun
Reality sets in as I realize what I've done
I'm lost inside another cut
Praying desperately that it heals shut
A knock comes on the door
I get up off the floor
Is everything all right, a voice calls
Silently, the rusted blade falls
and this...
Now I lay me down to sleep
Knowing that my life's complete
I won't wake up to see the next day
I've gone too deep this time
I can see the bone through the blood
Now I lay me down to sleep
As the all the lights slowly fade out
A blank expression on my face
And when you finally discover me dead
Please, don't weep - my soul's gone with my head
Now I lay me down to sleep