There is a lot... you dont have to read... unless you want!
Ok well... hummm.... toady was Weird and seriously thats the best way to discribe it. had a nice trip to the Hospital thanks to Eileen, Andrea, Lauren and Amy. I am fine!!!! well now... Long story short i went to far... enough said. I am going much better. I told my parents tonight. That went alot better than it did in my head. I can't seem to concentrate. I might get tested for adult ADD. I am going to my Therapist on friday at 2pm, in Nashville. I made a promise to a friend of mine at work (hospital) that I wouldn't cut until Friday and I woud fight all the urges and that I had to call her and tell her how things went. I entend on keeping that promise. It is a Short term HARD promise. I know that you all are here for me and I appreciate that but I am so lonely. I dont know if that make sense. I feel stucking a sound proof cage and I am screaming and i am jumping up and down and no one can hear me. The more I try to get better the worse things seem to get. I mad good progress tonight telling my parents. But I am just scared of the 2 times worse thing that is to come to me for making a BIG step. A step that took me 4 years almost 5 to tell them. I still can't feel anything. I can;t cry about me I can cry about the Notebook or a sad movie or even about somone else. But I have no self esteem, I have no confidense. I just need y'alls patients. I am at the bottom at least I hope its the bottom. I wish there was some magical thing I could do but there isn't. I wish people understood how I felt, I wish I could feel my emotions. I wish I kew what triggers me to cut. I wish I could stop. I wish the urges would go away. I wish I was at Western right now. I wish I could get grounded. I wish I wasn't going 800 different directions all at once and could slow down. I wish I had a HUG right now. I wish I could go white water rafting on Saturday. I wish things would work in my favor just once. But you know what they DONT. SHIT HAPPENS THATS LIFE!!!! I will run into shit all the time! Shit happens. I need a Shit Happens t-shirt. I want to go to NY. But I can't... I am going back to WKU in the Fall!! I am really excited about that! I am NOT going to be living in PFT! Hopefully Minton!! Well it is 2:34 am and I need to go to BED! I had NO sleep lastnight! I am out kids! I hope you enjoyed my little rant and rave. I dont even know if every one read it all! :) :) :) :) :) :)