LJ Idol Week 12: Failure
FAILURE.
I feel like it is tattooed on my forehead.
I see it reflected in people's expressions when they look at me.
I hear it in their voices, in their tone and in the things that they say.
When I was bullied at school, it was MY fault. That's what the teachers said, that's what the bullies said... and I even sensed the disapproval from my parents. Yes, I was smart, but I was also weird and shy and just didn't know how to fit in. I always said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and I never even knew that it was wrong until people started laughing at me or avoiding me.
When I was abused as a child, that was my fault too. I was a “difficult” child - and yes, my behaviour often was frustrating. Perhaps if I had been diagnosed with autism earlier, things may have been different? Maybe, maybe not. But I always felt like a failure compared to my siblings, especially my younger sister who was outgoing and had lots of friends and was the favourite child for a long time.
Every relationship I have had has ended badly. One extremely abusive boyfriend, who I was with for a year. Second guy, semi long distance, ended the relationship by ghosting. Third seemed promising but I realised far too late that he was a workaholic and his job - which required him to live abroad most of the time - was always going to come first. The fourth seemed too good to be true... and he was. Made me a whole lot of promises, made me love and trust him, and then after three years he just *disappeared*... broke my heart completely. I blame myself for not being good enough.
My aunts and uncles and cousins, they no longer ask me when I am going to have babies. The only one in my family over the age of twenty five, unmarried and with no children, I feel their glances, I hear their whispers. It's not normal in our family to not have kids. Not the way things are done.
I am an outlier. The black sheep.
I fail at making friends. I fail at relationships. I fail at adulting. I am a failure because I don't have children. I am a failure because I have mental health issues. I am a failure because I don't have a job. I am a failure because my body is weak.
That is what people say. What their eyes betray. What their tone conveys, even when they are too polite to say it outright.
And I struggle because... well, I've done the therapy. Objectively I have things to be proud of. I have a degree. I have had writing published. I took on two dogs - one with severe behaviour problems and one a rescue with separation anxiety - and I fought for them and worked with them and never gave up on them. I am a survivor, constantly fighting despite the many demons I have inside.
Then I look at the people my age who have travelled the world, raised kids, have successful careers. My biggest success recently was getting on a bus and travelling 15 minutes into town to meet a date.
I AM a failure.
I am NOT a failure.
Labels are generally useless. And everyone has a different path. This just wasn't how I had planned for my life to be back when I was a teenager - I dreamt of a successful career, a happy marriage with a man who adored me, and three or four children, and romance and family holidays and dinner parties and... well, you get the picture.
Difficulties in life... things not working out... it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me.
If I keep repeating it, it might stick. One day maybe I will be able to believe it.
I feel like it is tattooed on my forehead.
I see it reflected in people's expressions when they look at me.
I hear it in their voices, in their tone and in the things that they say.
When I was bullied at school, it was MY fault. That's what the teachers said, that's what the bullies said... and I even sensed the disapproval from my parents. Yes, I was smart, but I was also weird and shy and just didn't know how to fit in. I always said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing and I never even knew that it was wrong until people started laughing at me or avoiding me.
When I was abused as a child, that was my fault too. I was a “difficult” child - and yes, my behaviour often was frustrating. Perhaps if I had been diagnosed with autism earlier, things may have been different? Maybe, maybe not. But I always felt like a failure compared to my siblings, especially my younger sister who was outgoing and had lots of friends and was the favourite child for a long time.
Every relationship I have had has ended badly. One extremely abusive boyfriend, who I was with for a year. Second guy, semi long distance, ended the relationship by ghosting. Third seemed promising but I realised far too late that he was a workaholic and his job - which required him to live abroad most of the time - was always going to come first. The fourth seemed too good to be true... and he was. Made me a whole lot of promises, made me love and trust him, and then after three years he just *disappeared*... broke my heart completely. I blame myself for not being good enough.
My aunts and uncles and cousins, they no longer ask me when I am going to have babies. The only one in my family over the age of twenty five, unmarried and with no children, I feel their glances, I hear their whispers. It's not normal in our family to not have kids. Not the way things are done.
I am an outlier. The black sheep.
I fail at making friends. I fail at relationships. I fail at adulting. I am a failure because I don't have children. I am a failure because I have mental health issues. I am a failure because I don't have a job. I am a failure because my body is weak.
That is what people say. What their eyes betray. What their tone conveys, even when they are too polite to say it outright.
And I struggle because... well, I've done the therapy. Objectively I have things to be proud of. I have a degree. I have had writing published. I took on two dogs - one with severe behaviour problems and one a rescue with separation anxiety - and I fought for them and worked with them and never gave up on them. I am a survivor, constantly fighting despite the many demons I have inside.
Then I look at the people my age who have travelled the world, raised kids, have successful careers. My biggest success recently was getting on a bus and travelling 15 minutes into town to meet a date.
I AM a failure.
I am NOT a failure.
Labels are generally useless. And everyone has a different path. This just wasn't how I had planned for my life to be back when I was a teenager - I dreamt of a successful career, a happy marriage with a man who adored me, and three or four children, and romance and family holidays and dinner parties and... well, you get the picture.
Difficulties in life... things not working out... it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me.
If I keep repeating it, it might stick. One day maybe I will be able to believe it.