LJ Idol Week 1: Resolution

[i_love_freddie]

The relief of finally receiving answers
it's not just in my head
an explanation for the endless pain
mixed with feelings of despair
hopelessness.

No cures
only trial and error
So many what ifs
Where do we go from here?

The bleeding that never seems to stop
huge blood clots and ruined clothes
severe pain
cramps that leave me unable to stand
vomiting and diarrhoea
being so exhausted I can barely
lift my head from the pillow.

Wanting to scream
Wanting to cry
Wanting to die
Wanting to rip out my uterus
with my bare hands.

The randomness
never knowing when it will hit
whether today will be a good one
waking up pain-free
feeling happy until the pain
comes from nowhere
stabbing and sharp.

So many years of pain
discomfort every month
asking for help but being ignored
told that it was normal
everyone suffers painful periods
do some exercise
take some painkillers.

Agonising internal exams
pelvic scans and operations
making me feel violated
pushing me to tears
leaving behind a deep phobia
of anything medical.

People try to tell me
that it's no big deal
everyone has painful periods
I need to get on with it
it can't possibly be that bad
but it is.

I am so tired of it all
treatment after treatment
yet nothing seems to work
no one seems to listen
or care or understand
how disheartening and draining it is
to have no hope for the future.

All I want
is for my body to function
normally
for the pain to go away
why me?