(no subject)
I'm tired lately.
I think about the fact that I'm pretty talented at art an music. I coast on that. I don't do anything great. I don't practice. I'm just lucky.
I don't want to die feeling like I never accomplished anything. That I didn't contribute to the general progression of humanity, to the general progression of myself.
If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't feel to upset about not being accomplished. I would be envious of others longevity of life, but I wouldn't feel like it was my fault. If I die when I'm 85 and look back at the mediocrity that I've left behind... I'll be upset.
I just feel like I could really do something musical/artist different than anyone has ever done before, but I don't. And only because I'm lazy. I get preoccupied with my own life and others around me. Does it really matter? No. Do I really matter? Probably not... but that only makes me more comfortable with doing things I enjoy, rather than for other people. It also allows me to look at humanity as a whole rather than separate beings. In a one consciousness kinda way.
I think the collective unconscious is something I actually believe in, spiritually speaking :::marks 1 on the tally board:::
I practiced my piano today. I like how it sounded. I'd like to get voice lessons too. It would be great.
I don't really want to become famous or anything. I just want to have mastered art and music in my life-time. Not every aspect, but enough to satisfy me.
To have passion. I'm not chaotic enough... lol. I'm too reserved, embarrassed and insecure.
But most of all lazy. I frequently conform to all this media bull shit that I hate so much. It's so easy to forget reality when there's these distractions around. Complacency. Bleck.
I'm tired of dealing with my mother. It's not my responsibility to deal with her delusions and insecurities, only because I'm her daughter. She needs to deal with and understand herself, then we'll talk (speak of the devil, she just left a voice message) It's not my fault you hate yourself and act out, I am a product of it, but at least be realistic.
But then again, she probably has no ability too. Hence the delusions. I really think she's on speed. Which only further pushes me away from responsibility.
I think about the fact that I'm pretty talented at art an music. I coast on that. I don't do anything great. I don't practice. I'm just lucky.
I don't want to die feeling like I never accomplished anything. That I didn't contribute to the general progression of humanity, to the general progression of myself.
If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't feel to upset about not being accomplished. I would be envious of others longevity of life, but I wouldn't feel like it was my fault. If I die when I'm 85 and look back at the mediocrity that I've left behind... I'll be upset.
I just feel like I could really do something musical/artist different than anyone has ever done before, but I don't. And only because I'm lazy. I get preoccupied with my own life and others around me. Does it really matter? No. Do I really matter? Probably not... but that only makes me more comfortable with doing things I enjoy, rather than for other people. It also allows me to look at humanity as a whole rather than separate beings. In a one consciousness kinda way.
I think the collective unconscious is something I actually believe in, spiritually speaking :::marks 1 on the tally board:::
I practiced my piano today. I like how it sounded. I'd like to get voice lessons too. It would be great.
I don't really want to become famous or anything. I just want to have mastered art and music in my life-time. Not every aspect, but enough to satisfy me.
To have passion. I'm not chaotic enough... lol. I'm too reserved, embarrassed and insecure.
But most of all lazy. I frequently conform to all this media bull shit that I hate so much. It's so easy to forget reality when there's these distractions around. Complacency. Bleck.
I'm tired of dealing with my mother. It's not my responsibility to deal with her delusions and insecurities, only because I'm her daughter. She needs to deal with and understand herself, then we'll talk (speak of the devil, she just left a voice message) It's not my fault you hate yourself and act out, I am a product of it, but at least be realistic.
But then again, she probably has no ability too. Hence the delusions. I really think she's on speed. Which only further pushes me away from responsibility.