wandering wondering
so i'm thinking it's time to bring it back to this journal. the original. i wasn't so clever with my username, and i like that. it came out of a conversation with my girlfriend at the time. we sat at abe's coney island and were smoking, probably drinking coffee and whatever else.
the topic of conversation was he exe, who was pretty mean at times to her. not to say that in intimate relationships, people can easily get pretty mean with little effort, considering the proximities. and i remember getting loud and saying "well, i know ninjas!!" in response of don't worr about her, i can take care of it. i know people.
x
four years in california and i haven't wanted to go back to MI as much as i do now. apparently i'm a hipster. apparently i'm more lost than ever with my significant other. i feel like he highlights where i struggle with myself the most. i can never win with him. and yet he feels like he's always losing with me. i don't think we are a good match. i just don't know what to do with my life if it's not with him. gross.
i still feel like i'm lost within myself and haven't found the direction and passion i know i have inside. and this relationship with my current love has unraveled quite a bit about that. discussing where i am not honest with myself and where i pretend even more that i am. being the confident, amazing wombman i know how to be, as in i know pretty well what that looks like.
for so long i thought i had a better undertsanding of who i was and where i am. i thought i let go of details and trivia, certain understandings and dates & names because i wasn't attached to that in this world. i understand that some things work and some things don't work in this world. and getting into a metaphysical conversation is very interesting, yet i am not one who rarely initiate it. i am an intelligent lady. i do thrive of deep understandings to be shared with others, preferably on a 1:1 basis. i like that strong connection. not to manipulate, but to balance out the exploration of eachothers mind, bouncing back and forth. jiving witheachother, an intimate dance i long to have with several people back home. good lord.
i still feel like i'm living a life out here that is fake. i have the office-feel-good-job which pays my way into the cafes and bars when i feel like it. i can even support my lover. he hasn't had a job since feb. and i haven't had a problem making our ends meet. yet, my life has room for being very complicated. and i have wanted to have my dear friends for oh-so-far-away to shake me. i am done with cali, folks. i am going to work my way out of this and be gone.
i honestly just want to travel. i'm looking into a truck to get me around. i told troy last night i am hurting to leave. i want to be gone from san jose, at least for now. but even more importantly, i want to be in michigan. i want to get reconnected. i miss it. i miss the lovely people i have been calling for the last four years. the people who have always kept me alive. kept me in their thoughts and considered something bigger when relating to me. oh, dear.
if i am idolizing michigan and those who i love dearly in it, i will find out and learn from it. if i am "running away from my problems and not learning the lesson i need to learn" i think i will see that, if i really want to.
i want to learn about whats up where i am. i want to be able to love myself more and more and more. and share that self love with folks in my life i care so dearly and deeply for.
one tall boy of pbr and i'm back in my oldest, well one of my oldest, online journals. and i still love you, as much as you thought when you thought about it the least. xoxo.
i am back.
the topic of conversation was he exe, who was pretty mean at times to her. not to say that in intimate relationships, people can easily get pretty mean with little effort, considering the proximities. and i remember getting loud and saying "well, i know ninjas!!" in response of don't worr about her, i can take care of it. i know people.
x
four years in california and i haven't wanted to go back to MI as much as i do now. apparently i'm a hipster. apparently i'm more lost than ever with my significant other. i feel like he highlights where i struggle with myself the most. i can never win with him. and yet he feels like he's always losing with me. i don't think we are a good match. i just don't know what to do with my life if it's not with him. gross.
i still feel like i'm lost within myself and haven't found the direction and passion i know i have inside. and this relationship with my current love has unraveled quite a bit about that. discussing where i am not honest with myself and where i pretend even more that i am. being the confident, amazing wombman i know how to be, as in i know pretty well what that looks like.
for so long i thought i had a better undertsanding of who i was and where i am. i thought i let go of details and trivia, certain understandings and dates & names because i wasn't attached to that in this world. i understand that some things work and some things don't work in this world. and getting into a metaphysical conversation is very interesting, yet i am not one who rarely initiate it. i am an intelligent lady. i do thrive of deep understandings to be shared with others, preferably on a 1:1 basis. i like that strong connection. not to manipulate, but to balance out the exploration of eachothers mind, bouncing back and forth. jiving witheachother, an intimate dance i long to have with several people back home. good lord.
i still feel like i'm living a life out here that is fake. i have the office-feel-good-job which pays my way into the cafes and bars when i feel like it. i can even support my lover. he hasn't had a job since feb. and i haven't had a problem making our ends meet. yet, my life has room for being very complicated. and i have wanted to have my dear friends for oh-so-far-away to shake me. i am done with cali, folks. i am going to work my way out of this and be gone.
i honestly just want to travel. i'm looking into a truck to get me around. i told troy last night i am hurting to leave. i want to be gone from san jose, at least for now. but even more importantly, i want to be in michigan. i want to get reconnected. i miss it. i miss the lovely people i have been calling for the last four years. the people who have always kept me alive. kept me in their thoughts and considered something bigger when relating to me. oh, dear.
if i am idolizing michigan and those who i love dearly in it, i will find out and learn from it. if i am "running away from my problems and not learning the lesson i need to learn" i think i will see that, if i really want to.
i want to learn about whats up where i am. i want to be able to love myself more and more and more. and share that self love with folks in my life i care so dearly and deeply for.
one tall boy of pbr and i'm back in my oldest, well one of my oldest, online journals. and i still love you, as much as you thought when you thought about it the least. xoxo.
i am back.