"don't give up now, i simply just believe things could get better..."
i think since i know i'll never be comfortable with yesterdays decision i'm more woried about him then myself. i know he has his friends to support him, note to self: make some of those... it seriously sucks when you're crying and know that your best friend is the one who is making you hurt so bad and that you have no one to go to. i mean my stepmom slammed the basement door closed cuz i guess i was crying "too loud" or something and then when i went to my room she said "pshh what's with you?"... i've just been praying alot lots n lots of praying i haven't slept, i just sit and pray. at school i had to be all fake and pretend everything was fine and then when kt was like what's the deal and i told her and there i go again. so i sat in the back of my classes listened to the gathering band and wrote some songs. basically what they consist of is I understand this but not that. like why this happened but how is it possible to just give up on love? how could i have stood by and watch this but then again when there is nothing i can do because it's simply over for them even if it isn't for me, ugh. i'm sorry i'm just trying to make understand the incomprehensible. analize something out of my power. i just wish there was something i could say or do i feel like i'm loosing a grip on reality like once everything made sence and i knew i KNEW that i was where i needed to be where i belonged doing the right thing and not just for me but for the people around me and for God why do i get seperated from the people that i know could help me do better be a better person understand everything people i share things in common with. and now i feel like i'm back to square one this time a little more hopeless then the last, now don't mix faithless with hopeless. all i have left is my faith... but i'm back to that girl full of flaws that everyone can see. luckily this time i wont be hurting myself i'm not that immature anymore. but geez i seriously feel like i've lost a part of me and i'll never get it back. kt says in due time i'll feel fine and be back to my usual flirtsy self. no, i know myself better then anyone else i know when something isn't gunna work out. i feel like i'm not functioning correctly or something like... i just feel dead like i got the life sucked out of me. the only time i feel remotely ok is when i'm praying and i just beg for guidence and peace and some for of hope and just strength to get through this horrible feeling of emptiness.
no one will even look at me. what did i do to deserve this why would i get the pleasure of getting to know something be a part of something so beautiful for what at the time had become eternity but now only seems like the most breif yet most beautiful moment in my life what did i do to have it ripped away on such short notice. i wont say it was unexpected because the second he walked in the door he didn't smile the way he always did and his eyes didn't look the same but it was still like i had no idea what was happening. i still can't believe it. and i can't be mad i can't move on and it's not that i don't want to because i don't want this feeling like i can't accomplish anything like i'm a zombie.
march= a crappy month... lets do a summary:
-hey i got kicked out can i stay for a little while, 4 days later you find out you were harbouring a run away and she's in jail
-everyones back from college your not needed to work, you're broke and starving
-driving school because you did 40 in a 25, now you have to waste your saturday and loose 85 dollars as well as pass a test on alot of bs
-hands guy her heart in a box with very fragile written in big red letters only for him to take it out smile kindly then drop it and watch it shatter to a billion pieces... but as of now she still thinks he cares maybe she's crazy
i wish there was something more i could do then just pray and wait...
Mute Math is gunna be in va on friday, april 7th, what i would give to see them in concert right now
no one will even look at me. what did i do to deserve this why would i get the pleasure of getting to know something be a part of something so beautiful for what at the time had become eternity but now only seems like the most breif yet most beautiful moment in my life what did i do to have it ripped away on such short notice. i wont say it was unexpected because the second he walked in the door he didn't smile the way he always did and his eyes didn't look the same but it was still like i had no idea what was happening. i still can't believe it. and i can't be mad i can't move on and it's not that i don't want to because i don't want this feeling like i can't accomplish anything like i'm a zombie.
march= a crappy month... lets do a summary:
-hey i got kicked out can i stay for a little while, 4 days later you find out you were harbouring a run away and she's in jail
-everyones back from college your not needed to work, you're broke and starving
-driving school because you did 40 in a 25, now you have to waste your saturday and loose 85 dollars as well as pass a test on alot of bs
-hands guy her heart in a box with very fragile written in big red letters only for him to take it out smile kindly then drop it and watch it shatter to a billion pieces... but as of now she still thinks he cares maybe she's crazy
i wish there was something more i could do then just pray and wait...
Mute Math is gunna be in va on friday, april 7th, what i would give to see them in concert right now