nightmare...
why am i plagued by horrible dreams? i am a person who has always remembered their dreams, and majority of the time i wish i didn't. people are killed or die in my dreams more often than not, it's exhausting and depressing. last night wasn't any better.
for some reasons i was being sentenced to death, but there so no clear reason why. and it wasn't even a prison, more like a house with death chambers in the basement. i was bawling as they took me into the room, and there was nothing i could do. i tried escaping once and just found this storage closet that went nowhere, the person leading me into the room said "come on michelle, you know better" and i just laughed and said "i'm going to die in 10 minutes, i had to try". she just shrugged and said, yeah i get it.
so i am lead into a room with a cot along one side of the wall and a small wooden chair on the other. the person administering the shot is my journalism professor (perhaps a metaphor of how her class is killing me?). Anyway, i sit down and doesn't hesitate as she pulls out a bright green, pin thin syringe and pokes me twice in the arm. Then we wait.
As we sit there i feel my heart begin to pace faster but i think to myself "you can do this, just don't let it get to you". and a tiring mental battle of not succumbing to the poison fires in my brain. we talk and talk and she is surprised i have not yet passed out. she gets up to leave the room. while she is gone i sneak out and tip toe by two people talking at a desk and head upstairs.
i am woozy as i climb wooden stairs that look as if they belong in a log cabin house, when i reach the top floor it is similar to an attic but there are no walls, the roof is held up by big wooden pillars. We are in a house surrounded by forests on three sides and the ocean is across the street. I go and sit on the ledge of the house and try to take in the beauty. Poeple are looking at me funny.
Cate (my professor/death warden) comes up the stairs in a panic and spots me, adopts a motherly voice and leads me back to the basement chambers. we chit chat and so far 3 hours have gone by. she informs me i am being too calm and it will just take longer if i dont panic. i am determined to stay calm. my skin feels crawly and all i can think about is my family.
fast forward a bit and we are in some strange cemetary, it's bright out and white headstones (angels and crosses alike) are strewn for acres. i am with sara and katie and shelly and my family. everyone is someone chipper though they know i am dying, shelly hangs back the most.
then it fades out and i am standing outside of what feels like the subway store on west washington but it it more like a burger king. people i know keep shuffling in and sara is standing beside me. they tell me that if i don't die before 6 pm the next day then i am free to go. i am excited by this news but i am confused how it works. will they need to take the poison out of me or had it just not worked on me? i feel nausous and every now and then my heart flutters faintly.
when everyone gets there i walk into the store...one person claps and everyone's head snaps to look at them and they stop, looking akward and embrrassed. i sit with my family at the head table between my dad and my uncle mike. we end up just shooting the shit and no one really discusses that i am sitting there dieing. in my head i keep picturing myself keeling over at various times and wonder what they would do if that happens.
a lot more stuff passes that is fuzzy in my now awake state, but the next thing i recall is going to the beach and it is 3 am. i know tom (sean's roommate is there) and i am joined by jordan screech and joe. we are being followed by cate and some scientists or funeral people, i can't tell which. we sit on the beach and i start crying. i am upset that my name is michelle brown still, i hadnt found anyone to marry me ever. i am upset that i will never see kimmy get her driver's license or graduate high school. i am scared as to what is after death....will my mind just shut off, will i be reborn, what if i just pass out and they bury me and i come to buried in a casket and am trapped. i begin to hypervenalate and try to get myself under control because i can feel the poison gripping my lungs.
fast forward back to the cemetery from before. i am extremely sleepy and slowly walking between the rows of headstones. no one is sure why i havent died yet. no one ever offers any kind of explaination of why i was on death row. i find myself in front of a large white angle statue and somehow i have pend and pencil and i can tell the time is creeping up that i will be set free. i feel so weak though, and am scared and sad that i dont think i am going to make it. i start bequething my things to people, and scribbling on the paper that i am sorry i couldnt be stronger and i am going to miss everyone and to not forget me. and then i couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and i laid down at the base of the statue. i hear my mom crying and saying to not give up, but all i feel is how comforting it is to just close my eyes and rest. we don't know if i fall asleep if i will wake up again. my breathing is a conscious effort.
at that point i think that dream ended. it jumped instead to people looking for these voices that seemed to be underground new the lake. we find two little girls living down a huge drain and we take them out and they scream they dont want to leave. their dad cruises by in a boat and starts shooting at us. we get one little girl into the car and start driving away and watch in horror as the other little girl is shot on the bridge leading from the beach to the road.
about this time i wake up.
why am i so fucked up, i dont get it. why cant i just have dreams and not nightmares?