Look what I found on my hard drive!
Seriously, look! A Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith parody I wrote in...May? Yeah. HA! I am going to post it here, a bit revised and such since I am 3 months older and wiser, for your enjoyment.
Star Wars Episode III
This is a little spoof of mine. I got the idea from m15m, so I'm giving all credit for the idea to that. So, let the fun continue!
Scrolling introduction. Majestic Star Wars music! A long, confusing story about politics, blah, blah, blah. Hey, look! Fantastic CGI ships! We now zoom in on Obi-Wan and Anakin flying around a giant space ship that holds Chancellor Palpatine. Jedi to the rescue!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: This is fun, isn't it?
Anakin Skywalker: Yes, I must say that I do enjoy a good interspace battle or two!
Obi-Wan and Anakin enter the Evil Ship with R2D2. They find Count Dooku. Old Man Showdown: Part 1 commences. Anakin ends up with Count Dooku in the crosshairs of his lightsabers.
Chancellor Palpatine: Kill the bastard, damnit!
Anakin: I can't! It's not the Jedi way!
Chancellor: Screw the Jedi way! He's too dangerous to live!
Anakin: All right, all right, I'll do it--but only because I'm emotionally weak.
Anakin kills Count Dooku. Obi-Wan, the Chancellor, Anakin, and R2D2 make a narrow escape! from the Evil Ship and crash-land on Coruscant, narrowly avoiding death because Anakin's the best damn starfighter pilot the galaxy has ever seen.
Anakin: Must you leave so soon, Master?
Obi-Wan: Those that can't fight, participate in politics. And since you're a pussy, you fit that bill perfectly.
Anakin: *giggling* Oh, all right!
Padme: Anakin! Oh, my love love love love love love, how I've missed you!
Anakin: Really? I've missed you too! Now give me some sweet lovin'.
Padme: I have wonder-
Anakin: Give. Me. Some. Sweet. Lovin'.
Padme: Ihavesomewonderful-
Anakin: Do I have to go all Sith Lord on your ass, woman? Give me some sweet lovin', and NOW!
Padme: ANAKIN I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS! *Pause.* I'm getting you acting lessons! *Pause.* I mean--I'm pregnant!
Anakin: *completely monotone* I am so happy.
[The Jedi Council]
Yoda: Trust the Chancellor, I do not.
Mace Windu: Word.
[The Chancellor's Office]
Chancellor: So, now that you've been my love slave for a good thirty minutes, I'm going to put you on the Jedi council!
Anakin: Dude...that's so not the Jedi way!
Chancellor: Screw the Jedi way. I hate the Jedi. They're trying to usurp my power as Evil Overlord of Them All! Er, I mean. They're trying to usurp my power as Chancellor.
Anakin: *completely monotone* I am overwhelmed.
[Back to the Jedi Council]
Mace Windu: Yo, yo, yo, we ain't gonna make you no Master up in here!
Anakin: What. The. Fuck.
Yoda: Speaks correctly, my nigga does. No Master title for you!
*Later, outside...*
Anakin: *completely montone* This is outrageous. I am so upset.
Obi-Wan: I knew you would be! And even though I couldn't tell from your completely monotone voice, I know you so well that I just had a feeling! And that's why....you get to be a double-no, a triple-agent for the Council! Eh? Eh? What do you say?
Anakin: TREASON!
Obi-Wan: Thought you might say that.
[The Bedroom of Love]
Anakin: You're so beautiful.
Padme: Only because I am so in love with you!
Anakin: NO WAY! Only because I am so in love with YOU!
Padme: So...we done with this cheesy dialogue yet?
George Lucas: Pssh, you're kidding, right? We still have an hour and a half of movie left! *Beams*
Anakin has a dream about Padme dying. He wakes up, sweaty and bare-chested. Let us all pause to admire the hotness.
Padme: Do you think this outfit could look any more uncomfortable to sleep in? Anyway, Ani...what's the problem?
Anakin: I had a nightmare! Boohoo! You're going to DIE!
Padme: Yeah, right. I'm immortal, didn't you know? Go back to bed.
[The Hall of Master Yoda]
Anakin: So I've been having these dreams...
Yoda: Comes a time in every boy's life, there does. Called growing up, it is. Waking up with sticky sheets have you been?
Anakin: EW NO! That ain't the Jedi way!
Yoda: Ah, right.
Anakin: So, anyway, these dreams...they were like the ones I was having about my mom. Except they were about someone close to me that might be named Padme but I can't really tell you because Jedis aren't allowed to have sex.
Dumbledore!Yoda: Learn to let go, you must. For some, death is but the next great adven--
Me: Psst, Yoda! Wrong wise old mentor.
Yoda: My bad! I mean...you know. Right now I'm going to say some Very Deep things about Death and Losing Loved Ones and how you must Learn to Let Go, but it will get all confused and enigmatic because of my horrible syntax.
[Wookie!]
Yoda goes off to party with some Wookies on their home planet. Damn, those things are annoying.
[The Space Ballet]
Anakin: Look at these extremely boring giant spermatazoa!
Chancellor: I knew you'd like it! But let's get down to business.
Anakin: To defeat the Huns?
Chancellor: How many times do I have to tell you to stop watching Disney movies? I just want to tell you a story! Now, once upon a time, there was a Sith Lord named Darth Plagus and the crazy motherfucker got so powerful that he could bring people back from death. Cool right? Well, guess what? I CAN TEACH YOU THIS POWER TOO!
Anakin: Uhm...that isn't the Jedi way.
Chancellor: Screw. The. Jedi. Way. Anyway, they're all a bunch of power-hungry bastards.
Anakin: Nuh-uh! The Jedi are selfless!
Chancellor: Actually, everyone's power-hungry.
Anakin: Except the Jedi!
Chancellor: Including the Jedi.
Anakin: Except the Jedi!
Chancellor: Including the--dude, this isn't getting us anywhere.
Anakin: Good call, I agree. Moving on.
Chancellor: So I guess the Council asked you to spy on me for them, huh?
Anakin: NO!!!!! Yes...
Chancellor: Ha! I knew it! Well, I know where General Grievous is, so you can tell the Council to suck it.
[Jedi Council]
Anakin: I know where General Grievous is! Suck it!
Obi-Wan: Since the Council hates you, I'll go!
Anakin: Damnit.
[Chancellor's Office]
Chancellor: Guess what? I'm the Sith Lord! SURPRISE!
Anakin: I'll kill you!
Chancellor: No you won't.
Anakin: How do you know?
Chancellor: Do the words "I can save Padme!" ring a bell?
Anakin: TRAITOR! I'm telling Mace Windu!
[Utapu]
Leader: Guess who dropped by for a visit, Obi-Wan? General Grievous!
Obi-Wan: Sweet! It's clobberin' time!
Obi-Wan finds General Grievous, the Amazing Robot Wonder. General Grievous can wield four lightsabers at once, but when his arms get chopped off he has to resort to the Rolling Wheel of DOOM. Obi-Wan outsmarts the general and shoots him. General Grievous burns up. Ha. Take that, motherfucker.
[Chancellor's Office]
Mace Windu: The white man is under arrest, for once! Talk about role reversal!
Chancellor: *Cue Old Man Showdown: Part 2*
Chancellor shoots Sith lightening at Mace Windu. The lightening reflects and the Chancellor gets hideously ugly, and then Anakin appears because he's stupid. And evil. Evil and stupid.
Anakin: Don't kill him, Mace! I love him! I NEED HIM!
Mace Windu: You can't betray the Council!
Anakin: ACTUALLY, I CAN! *chops off Mace's arm, and the Chancellor pushes him out of the window*
Chancellor: Now that that distraction is out of the way...I think I'll promote you to the level of love slave/apprentice.
Anakin: *is convienently waist-high to the Chancellor* Anything you wish, Master.
Chancellor: Sex, sex, sex, that's all you kids think about! All I want to do is make you into a Darthy!
Anakin: Ooooh. Cool!
Chancellor: Now, for a name...Darth Vati? Nah. Darth Vagina? Nope. Darth Vagrant? Too smart. Darth Vehicle? Too mechanical. I've got it--Darth Vader!
*Triumphant music of DOOM strikes up*
Anakin: I feel so...EVIL.
Chancellor: Go the the Jedi temple and tear shit up. Thanks a bunch, sweetie!
[Random Planets]
Chancellor: Execute Order 66!
Clone Troops: Yes, Master!
A slow-death montage begins, not unlike ones seen in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers and Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It would have been sad if that blue girl wasn't so funny-looking.
[The Jedi Temple]
Youngling: Master Skywalker, what are we going to do?
Anakin: *implied: Well, we could sit down and play Jedi Master with our dollies, but I'd much rather kill you, mmmkay?* Anakin's lightsaber: let the killing spree being!
Youngling: Oh, shit.
Chancellor: Go to Mustafar, which looks strangely like Mordor in planet form!
Anakin: Ahoy, matey!
[Back on the Home Front]
Anakin: So, I'm about to go and kick some Jedi--I mean, Seperatist--ass.
Padme: I think we're on the wrong side.
Anakin: DON'T TALK TO ME THAT WAY, HARLOT!
[Senate Meeting]
Chancellor: Warning: This is a takeover. I repeat, this is a takeover. Goodbye, freedom!
Padme: *in an attempt to be wise and socially-concious, even though we all know that women aren't* And so goes liberty: with thunderous applause.
Organa: Well said, m'lady. Well said. Except not! Get back in the kitchen!
[Jedi Temple]
Obi-Wan: Not even the younglings survived!
Yoda: I told you Anakin was evil. Misread the prophecy, you did.
Obi-Wan: Did not! I'ma go check out these security holograms.
Yoda: Do that, you should not.
Security holograms show Anakin tearing shit up at the Jedi temple. Obi-Wan is appalled.
Yoda: Kill him, you must!
Obi-Wan: I can't do that! Anakin is like a lover--I mean, brother to me! Let me kill Palpatine, for the love of God!
Yoda: Let you kill Palpatine I cannot, or else gone would Old Man Showdown: Part 3 be!
Obi-Wan: Good point. Damnit.
[Back on the Home Front]
Obi-Wan: I just saw your husband tear shit up at the Jedi temple...killing younglings!
Padme: Bitch, please! So, what color do you think I should paint the baby's-
Obi-Wan: I'M SERIOUS, WOMAN. LISTEN THE FUCK UP. Now, I have to go to Mordor/Mostafar to find your Evil!Husband, so just stay here and wait patiently.
Padme: As if!
[The Senate]
Yoda: Where ever you are, come out, Emperor!
Emperor: MUAHAHA! I am going to rule the galaxy!
Yoda: Not on my watch!
Old Man Showdown: Part 3 begins! At first, the Emperor beats the shit out of Yoda. Then, Yoda gets the one-up and takes the Emperor down with a Spinning Senate Chair of Doom. But then....the Emperor seems to knock Yoda down and he falls into the sewers and the Emperor thinks he's dead. But he isn't, because duh--he's Yoda, damnit!
[Mostafar]
Frodo: Can't...resist...the...Ring...!
Anakin: Fancy meeting you here! Didn't know Peter Jackson had rented out the evil volcanic wasteland stage today! Anyway, Mordor/Mostafar's nice this time of year, isn't it?
Frodo: Huh? Yeah, it is pretty nice. I'm getting a really good tan.
Padme and Obi-Wan land on Mostafar. Padme runs to Anakin, wearing an above-the-knee dress. And--gasp--pants! Women aren't allowed to wear pants! That scandalous harlot!
Padme: Even though we are on this evil-looking planet and your eyes have turned Sith red, for the love of God tell me you haven't joined the Dark Side!
Anakin: Oops, I have. But we can still be in love!
Padme: Dude, we really can't. We're going down different paths, and I cannot follow, blah, blah, blah, someone shoot me so I don't have to use any more of this dialogue.
Anakin: Does Anakin Skywalker have to choke a bitch? *chokes a bitch, meaning Padme*
Obi-Wan: Stop right there!
Anakin: Thank you very much? You need somebody with a human touch?
Obi-Wan: Hey you! Always on the run! Gotta slow it down, baby, gotta have some fun...with the JEDI!
Anakin: NEVER! *Padme faints* You turned her against me!
Obi-Wan: I kinda think that one was all you, my friend.
Anakin: *pulls out his lightsaber* I KEEL YOU!
[Emperor's High Throne!]
Emperor Palpatine: I am living proof that you don't have to be attractive to be a Sith Lord. Suck it, Hayden Christensen!
Yoda: Yoda's in the hizouse! Commence Old Man FShowdown: Part 4, shall we?
Emperor Palpatine: Hmm...nah. *Sith-lightenings Yoda.*
[Mostafar]
Obi-Wan and Anakin are still fighting. It's exciting and full of phallic laser beams. Finally, Obi-Wan jumps to land and Anakin is left floating in a deathtrap of molten rock.
Obi-Wan: Ha, ha! I'm on land and you are not!
Anakin: Wah! Why are you doing this to me?
Obi-Wan: YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE! You were supposed to destroy the Sith, not join it!
Anakin: Except...I totally...just did. So suck it! Besides, from my point of view, the Jedi are evil.
Obi-Wan: From my point of view, the Sith is evil!
Anakin: From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!
Obi-Wan: Evil Sith!
Anakin: Evil Jedi!
Obi-Wan: Evil--dude, this isn't getting us anywhere.
Anakin: Good call, I agree. Moving on.
Anakin jumps through the air, and soon becomes Dismembered!Anakin, as Obi-Wan cuts off his legs and arm.
Anakin: *Moans in pain*
Obi-Wan: You were a lover--I mean, brother to me, Anakin! Why, why, why?
AngstyTeen!Anakin: I HATE YOU!
Obi-Wan: Dude, take your angst somewhere else. *leaves*
Anakin: *catches fire. Ouch, that's painful.*
[Coruscant]
Droid Thingy: Padme's dying!
Obi-Wan: Oh, shit!
Padme gives birth. Aw, Luke! Aw, Leia!
[Mostafar]
Emperor: Despite being dismembered and suffering extensive burns, Anakin Skywalker lives on! Imagine that! Take him back to the Darth Robot Making Station, droids!
Darth Robot Making Station...
Darth Vader: *breathes heavily*
[THE END. JUST KIDDING. GEORGE LUCAS DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO END A MOVIE, THE BASTARD.]
Meanwhile, Padme dies. Boohoo.
Darth Vader: So, now that I'm all evil and stuff...where's the wifey?
Emperor: HAHA YOU KILLED HER!
Darth Vader: Seriously? *Frankenstein walking* NOOOOOOOOOO!
[THE END. KIDDING AGAIN. JUST END THE GODDAMN MOVIE, WILL YOU GEORGE?]
[Coruscant]
Obi-Wan: We've got two orphaned babies on our hands. We can't eat them because that's not the Jedi way, so where should we send 'em?
Organa: I'll take the girl! Ever since my son was killed in that slow death montage my wife and I have wanted a daughter!
Yoda: Swell! Obi-Wan, you will take Luke back to Tatooine to give him to his relatives.
Obi-Wan: Hey, what happened to your wacky syntax?
Yoda: Screw wacky syntax! Anyway, I'm sending Qui-Gon to help you cope with the loss of your lover--I mean brother, mmmkay?
Obi-Wan: SWEET!
[THE END. FOR REAL THIS TIME.]