I am teh evil!
I've been thinking about this for a while, and I decided it's about time that I made a post about it.
So...has anyone else noticed that evil villians like to talk alot?
I really like evil villians. I really do. But you know...they just talk way to much. Has anyone else noticed this? Right when the hero is in their grasp, rather than killing them on the spot, they stand there and blabber on about how easily they trapped the hero, and how their brilliant plan came into action, giving the hero plenty of rest/think of an escape plan time.
WHY??
Well, most would say it's the writers fault. But I say it's the evil villians fault, because what's an evil villian if not egotistical? I know I would want the hero I'm about to crush to know just exactly how I did, and how brilliant I am, and how I will be worshipped for my actions for years to come...
Let's take the Harry Potter series, for example. And now I take you on a journey through books 1-6....
Harry Potter and the Sorceroer's Stone
Quirrellmort: Finally I have you within my grasp, Potter! MUAHAHA!
Harry Potter: Oh dear. This isn't looking good for me.
Quirrellmort: But before I kill you, let me tell you all about my brilliant plan! See, Voldy found me in the Albanian forest, and I said "Hey Voldy, whaddup?" And he was all, "Dude, I could Crucio you right now. But since I don't have a body, I won't. Instead, I'll make you my body!" And I'm all, "Dude, I guess that's cool?" And before you know it, I'm Quirrellmort! So then I--
Harry Potter: Aren't you going to kill me?
Quirrellmort: Of course I'm going to kill you. But back to my story. So I'm sitting in the Great Hall during Halloween, thinking, what would be the perfect distraction? And thing BING! Duh, a troll! So I let this troll in, and you all think it's Professor Snape, and I laugh, and I figure out how to get past Fluffy, and then--
Harry Potter: What's this mirror thing? OH HEY I'VE GOT THE SORCEROR'S STONE! Pwned!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Tom Riddle: Dude. I am so evil. And now I'm going to kill you.
Harry Potter: That's what the last guy said.
Tom Riddle: I'm being serious! You will die! And Ginny will die! After I tell my story...I created this journal becase I needed a diary to house all of my Angsty Teenage Feelings. Woe is me, I'm evil. Woe is me, I killed my parents. Woe is me, I'm Slytherin's heir...you know, stuff like that. So one day I thought, YO! What if I made this into a memory instead of a regular diary? And I figured that was a pretty good idea, so I got Lucius Malfoy to give it to Ginny, so I could open the Chamber of--
Harry Potter: I thought...I thought you were going to kill me?
Tom Riddle: I so am! Just give me, like, two minutes. As I was saying--
Harry Potter: Lo and behold, it's Fawkes! Thanks for stalling so much so that I can now kill this giant basilisk with Godric Gryffindor's sword and save the day once more. You're my hero, Tom Riddle!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hello, no Voldemort confrontation.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Voldemort: Whee! I'm back in power! Whee!
Harry Potter: So are you going to kill me for real this time, or what?
Voldemort: I sure am! Just let me tell you a story. So, I was like a ghosty thing, right? So I floated around Albania for a while, but that wasn't really my bag, but at least I had a soul-thing and all, right? Thank Merlin for those steps I took to ensure my immortality. Anyway, I'm all half-alive and whatnot, when I figure, this whole half-life thing is a bitch. It's time to get me a real body! Yo, Death Eaters? Where you be?
Death Eaters: Death Eaters in the hizouse!
Voldemort: Niiiice. But we're missing two. Hmm...they'll pay later. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Now that Wormtail--here, take your fucking silver hand and stop your whining!--has helped me out, and now that I have your blood, I can really Meanwhile, Harry gets away...dude. Where'd he go? Shit.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Voldemort: What an excellent Legilimens I am! I have possessed the Great Harry Potter!
Harry Potter: KILL ME! LET ME DIE!
Voldemort: No, wait, I have a fantastic story to tell old Dumbledore here...so, now that I'm back in power and all, let me tell YOU something, Dumbledore: I WIN! Na na na na na, I've got Harry Potter in my grasp and--
Harry Potter: LET ME DIE!
Dumbledore: Sorry, he can't kill you because of the secret mysterious power housed within you that is so secret and mysterious that it turns out it's only love and not some extremely kickass weapon like giant laserguns of doom.
Harry Potter: Oh. Okay, well, let's go then.
Voldemort: NO!!! I'M NOT FINISHED MY STORY!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
AHEM. SPOILER ALERT!!!! Like, MAJOR spoiler alert. SO DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU!
Draco Malfoy: I've got you right where I want you, Dumbledore! I could kill you RIGHT NOW, you know.
Dumbledore: Bring it on, bitch.
Draco Malfoy: Wait one second! I got this really good story...so I'm sitting there at my Junior Death Eater meeting, and I'm all, "Fuck this! I could kill Dumbledore!" So the Dark Lord gets really pissed and he's all, "YEAH? I'd like to see you try!" And so I did try. I thought I couldn't do it, which resulted in a lot of crying sessions with Moaning Myrtle, but then I figured out how to fix the Vanishing Cabinet and BOOM! Hello, Death Eater invasion! I could kill you RIGHT NOW, you know.
Dumbledore: Um...then do it.
Draco Malfoy: I will! I'll do it right now!
Dumbledore:...I'm waiting...
Snape: Fuck this! Avada Kedavra!
Draco Malfoy: Ah. So that's how you do it.
And Professor Snape wins the official No-Monologuing Award!
See? So many monologues, so many narrow escapes...I predict that Book 7 will include one massive monolgue on Lord Voldemort's part, enabling Harry to get away, have tea and crumpets with Ron and Hermione, fetch his dry cleaning, write a long letter to Aunt Petunia, rent a few videos, spend an evening at the opera, and kill Lord Voldemort...all before he's done speaking!
THE END.
This is what happens when I'm bored.
So...has anyone else noticed that evil villians like to talk alot?
I really like evil villians. I really do. But you know...they just talk way to much. Has anyone else noticed this? Right when the hero is in their grasp, rather than killing them on the spot, they stand there and blabber on about how easily they trapped the hero, and how their brilliant plan came into action, giving the hero plenty of rest/think of an escape plan time.
WHY??
Well, most would say it's the writers fault. But I say it's the evil villians fault, because what's an evil villian if not egotistical? I know I would want the hero I'm about to crush to know just exactly how I did, and how brilliant I am, and how I will be worshipped for my actions for years to come...
Let's take the Harry Potter series, for example. And now I take you on a journey through books 1-6....
Harry Potter and the Sorceroer's Stone
Quirrellmort: Finally I have you within my grasp, Potter! MUAHAHA!
Harry Potter: Oh dear. This isn't looking good for me.
Quirrellmort: But before I kill you, let me tell you all about my brilliant plan! See, Voldy found me in the Albanian forest, and I said "Hey Voldy, whaddup?" And he was all, "Dude, I could Crucio you right now. But since I don't have a body, I won't. Instead, I'll make you my body!" And I'm all, "Dude, I guess that's cool?" And before you know it, I'm Quirrellmort! So then I--
Harry Potter: Aren't you going to kill me?
Quirrellmort: Of course I'm going to kill you. But back to my story. So I'm sitting in the Great Hall during Halloween, thinking, what would be the perfect distraction? And thing BING! Duh, a troll! So I let this troll in, and you all think it's Professor Snape, and I laugh, and I figure out how to get past Fluffy, and then--
Harry Potter: What's this mirror thing? OH HEY I'VE GOT THE SORCEROR'S STONE! Pwned!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Tom Riddle: Dude. I am so evil. And now I'm going to kill you.
Harry Potter: That's what the last guy said.
Tom Riddle: I'm being serious! You will die! And Ginny will die! After I tell my story...I created this journal becase I needed a diary to house all of my Angsty Teenage Feelings. Woe is me, I'm evil. Woe is me, I killed my parents. Woe is me, I'm Slytherin's heir...you know, stuff like that. So one day I thought, YO! What if I made this into a memory instead of a regular diary? And I figured that was a pretty good idea, so I got Lucius Malfoy to give it to Ginny, so I could open the Chamber of--
Harry Potter: I thought...I thought you were going to kill me?
Tom Riddle: I so am! Just give me, like, two minutes. As I was saying--
Harry Potter: Lo and behold, it's Fawkes! Thanks for stalling so much so that I can now kill this giant basilisk with Godric Gryffindor's sword and save the day once more. You're my hero, Tom Riddle!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hello, no Voldemort confrontation.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Voldemort: Whee! I'm back in power! Whee!
Harry Potter: So are you going to kill me for real this time, or what?
Voldemort: I sure am! Just let me tell you a story. So, I was like a ghosty thing, right? So I floated around Albania for a while, but that wasn't really my bag, but at least I had a soul-thing and all, right? Thank Merlin for those steps I took to ensure my immortality. Anyway, I'm all half-alive and whatnot, when I figure, this whole half-life thing is a bitch. It's time to get me a real body! Yo, Death Eaters? Where you be?
Death Eaters: Death Eaters in the hizouse!
Voldemort: Niiiice. But we're missing two. Hmm...they'll pay later. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Now that Wormtail--here, take your fucking silver hand and stop your whining!--has helped me out, and now that I have your blood, I can really Meanwhile, Harry gets away...dude. Where'd he go? Shit.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Voldemort: What an excellent Legilimens I am! I have possessed the Great Harry Potter!
Harry Potter: KILL ME! LET ME DIE!
Voldemort: No, wait, I have a fantastic story to tell old Dumbledore here...so, now that I'm back in power and all, let me tell YOU something, Dumbledore: I WIN! Na na na na na, I've got Harry Potter in my grasp and--
Harry Potter: LET ME DIE!
Dumbledore: Sorry, he can't kill you because of the secret mysterious power housed within you that is so secret and mysterious that it turns out it's only love and not some extremely kickass weapon like giant laserguns of doom.
Harry Potter: Oh. Okay, well, let's go then.
Voldemort: NO!!! I'M NOT FINISHED MY STORY!
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
AHEM. SPOILER ALERT!!!! Like, MAJOR spoiler alert. SO DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU!
Draco Malfoy: I've got you right where I want you, Dumbledore! I could kill you RIGHT NOW, you know.
Dumbledore: Bring it on, bitch.
Draco Malfoy: Wait one second! I got this really good story...so I'm sitting there at my Junior Death Eater meeting, and I'm all, "Fuck this! I could kill Dumbledore!" So the Dark Lord gets really pissed and he's all, "YEAH? I'd like to see you try!" And so I did try. I thought I couldn't do it, which resulted in a lot of crying sessions with Moaning Myrtle, but then I figured out how to fix the Vanishing Cabinet and BOOM! Hello, Death Eater invasion! I could kill you RIGHT NOW, you know.
Dumbledore: Um...then do it.
Draco Malfoy: I will! I'll do it right now!
Dumbledore:...I'm waiting...
Snape: Fuck this! Avada Kedavra!
Draco Malfoy: Ah. So that's how you do it.
And Professor Snape wins the official No-Monologuing Award!
See? So many monologues, so many narrow escapes...I predict that Book 7 will include one massive monolgue on Lord Voldemort's part, enabling Harry to get away, have tea and crumpets with Ron and Hermione, fetch his dry cleaning, write a long letter to Aunt Petunia, rent a few videos, spend an evening at the opera, and kill Lord Voldemort...all before he's done speaking!
THE END.
This is what happens when I'm bored.