A nother M illion T imes | brainspill

[i_heart_meese]

I want smoke to fill my lungs.
not in the way most people mean.
not marijuana smoke.
not cigarette smoke.
thick, black, rolling smoke
from the flames of a house fire.
i want to purchase a home just
to burn it down.
I wanna fall asleep
with a candlestick burning in
a puddle of gasoline.
I want to go peacefully,
staining my lungs black.
i can be replaced.

my least favorite part about
being me
is knowing what it feels like to be hated.
she thinks i burned this bridge to keep me warm,
but i'm colder than i was before.
I've spelled it out, waited
with baited breath,
even though i'm two years late,
and she can't see that i've created
a million different ways to say her name, including

A Cerated Knife
My Worst Day Ever
Another Sad Story
Nothing Good Ever Lasts
Definition of Audacity
A Fuck Ton of Wasted Time

and who's really the loser here?
she's the only person i wish i'd never met,
but i've got her name in my head,
written in thick, black ink.
This is me giving up on subtly.
nobody cares what i think
and i think we were a ship
that was meant to sink.