In The Moment Before Death | 25 July 2013
The other night, I had the strangest dream.
We're stood in a circle, talking, laughing, socializing, but I'm not really there. It's becoming harder and harder to pull myself from my own head and nothing can keep me from thinking. I felt it as I fell away again, retreating back into my thoughts. Inside of my head there is a cycle that depicts creations of God becoming beautiful in their destruction. It was as if it had been programmed into my brain, The Cycle, because there is no other way it could have gotten there, this Idea. Like I'd found a filing cabinet hiding behind all of my memories and I picked the lock. It's just the same scene over and over and over and--
I snap back into reality. My friends are still talking, like I never even left. Because you didn't leave. You've been here the whole time. I don't know what they're talking about anymore. I lost track again. It happens all the time. This feeling washes over me, like wires disconnecting. I don't belong here in this place when I know how to create something beautiful. Death is beautiful. Maybe if I show them what I know, I won't feel this way. I won't have depersonalizing moments anymore.
I glance to my right and for the first time, I can see that we're standing in a park. The stars are out. Sun's long gone. When did that happen? Green grass and tall trees and moonlight all around us, but I'm looking for an organism. A demonstration.
I see a rabbit sitting a few feet away from us. I get the group's attention and take a few steps towards the tiny creature. It doesn't run. I smile because I know it knows that its about to become the most beautiful thing my friends have ever seen. Its cottontail twitches as I pick it up. My friends gasp and coo over the rabbit, with its beady little eyes and tiny paws and that fucking cottontail. I stroke over its ears once, twice...
"Watch this, guys," I say, but I haven't spoken in so long that my voice sounds unfamiliar to my own ears.
Deep breath. Glance up to see the smiles on their faces. Steady my hands. Angle my body. I have to get the perfect angle or this won't work. Everything could go wrong and this life could be waste. Can't have that, now can we?
I hold the rabbit gently with my right hand around its middle, bring it up to my left shoulder and aim with my eyes at the space of ground directly right of me. My hand slices through the air, and the rabbit hits the ground at that perfect angle. My friends scream. I feel myself smile as bright stars, shining white and yellow and blue, explode from the rabbit's broken body. The Final Breath. True beauty. I look over at my friends, but it's not right. They were supposed to be amazed, but all I see is disgust. Terror. Horror.
"What the fuck did you just do?"
"You fucking killed it!"
"Why would you do that?!"
"Guys," I don't understand. Did they not see the stars spark and fade right before their very eyes? "You didn't see the stars?"
They go silent for a moment. I see a snake slither by right in front of me. I reach down and pick it up. Snakes are tricky. Finding the angle is hard. I coil it around my hand and throw it just like I threw the rabbit. This time, the stars were red and orange and blinding white all at once. I couldn't take my eyes off of them, but I could hear my friends shouting at me. Everything seemed as if it had lowered in tone. I was here in this world, vibrant and real, but everything else was vague and bleak and far away. I looked to my friends.
"Don't you understand?" I ask. "Can't you see how beautiful it is?"
"You're killing living creatures!"
"You don't see the stars?"
"There are no stars!"
I can't believe it. They don't understand. I showed them the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and they don't see what I see. "You just need to open your eyes," I say. I can hear the desperation in my voice but I can't care. I just need them to see what I see. I'm tired of being alone.
"If this is some kind of joke, it's not funny."
"Why would I joke about this? That was beautiful. Death is beautiful and you can't see it!"
"Calm down, okay? I think we just need to take you home--"
"I don't want to go home, I just want you to see."
"See? See what? All I see is two carcasses that you created and you're trying to tell us that it's beautiful?"
"There were stars and you didn't see them! How could you not see them?" I'm screaming now. Fear is evident on their faces, and I don't understand how this could have possibly gone wrong.
Another idea materializes and I can feel everything around me slowing to a halt. I'll show them, but this time, it'll be different.
"I'll show you guys, and this time you'll see them."
I run off in the general direction of town, my friends shouting after me. They're following me. I can hear them. They're scared, but I know that everything will be alright in the end. The skyscraper emerges as the trees thin out. I'm not in the park anymore. This is a city. There's traffic and billboards and lights, but I'm only looking at the skyscraper.
"Stop!" I hear them yell.
The ladder on the side of the building is old and narrow, probably hasn't been used in years, but that isn't going to stop me. I begin to climb. My fear of heights dissolves and is replaced by a fear of falling too soon. I can't mess this up. I need them to see the stars. As I climb higher and higher, I can see the stars in my head. They're the most precious things I have ever seen. I wonder what color my stars will be? Hopefully yellow. I've always liked yellow.
"Hey!" I hear from behind me. I look back and see one of my friends. He's following me.
Instead of replying, I just keep climbing. Can't let him distract me. I have to do this right. I can feel him gaining on me, so I climb faster, rung after rung, until my foot slips and collides with his face. I'm hanging on because I'm not ready yet. I look behind me and watch as he falls, hitting the ground, and creating bright green stars. I take a moment to stare, but my heart begins to beat faster. Anticipation.
I reach the top where a long metal rod stands tall, and I grab on. The ground looks so far away and I smile. I can still hear all of the sounds from the city below and I can just barely make out all of the people. Hopefully, they can see this too. I stand with my back to the edge, heels hanging off the ledge, and I tip myself over. The wind feels like a cradle and a jackhammer all at once. It carries me to the ground as it beats my eardrums with its cruel song. I angle my shoulders and try to relax. Everything is going to be--
The loudest crash I have ever heard in my life shakes me to the core. I can feel it inside of me, and then I realize that it was me, because everything hurts all at once. My head is pounding where it's cracked open, spilling out into the cracks my body created on the pavement. I could taste blood on my tongue and feel the fractures in my spine. I opened my eyes and lifted my left arm, the one that wasn't crushed to millions of pieces, finding my hand covered in blood, fingers bent at all the wrong angles, skin missing from my palm like it slid across the pavement when I landed. Am I even still able to breathe anymore? This isn't how it was meant to happen. I did it wrong. All wrong. I am not dead.
There were no stars.
Everything around me is silent, and I thought for a moment that the sounds of the city just faded into the background like they do when I'm falling into my own mind, but there is nothing. The skyscraper stands tall, looking down at me. The sky is no longer dark, but an ominous gray, like a storm hanging heavy above my head. The cars were gone. The wind was gone. My friends were gone. There were no stars. Were there ever any stars?
I can't move, so I just lay there. I lay there and my head is clear for the first time in what seems like years. I'm not falling into my mind. The Cycle in my head has finally stopped. Every time I close my eyes, I see the stars I saw when I threw the rabbit and the snake, the brilliant greens of my friend hitting the pavement. The filing cabinet that sits behind my memories is apparently full of delusions, and there were never any stars.
We're stood in a circle, talking, laughing, socializing, but I'm not really there. It's becoming harder and harder to pull myself from my own head and nothing can keep me from thinking. I felt it as I fell away again, retreating back into my thoughts. Inside of my head there is a cycle that depicts creations of God becoming beautiful in their destruction. It was as if it had been programmed into my brain, The Cycle, because there is no other way it could have gotten there, this Idea. Like I'd found a filing cabinet hiding behind all of my memories and I picked the lock. It's just the same scene over and over and over and--
I snap back into reality. My friends are still talking, like I never even left. Because you didn't leave. You've been here the whole time. I don't know what they're talking about anymore. I lost track again. It happens all the time. This feeling washes over me, like wires disconnecting. I don't belong here in this place when I know how to create something beautiful. Death is beautiful. Maybe if I show them what I know, I won't feel this way. I won't have depersonalizing moments anymore.
I glance to my right and for the first time, I can see that we're standing in a park. The stars are out. Sun's long gone. When did that happen? Green grass and tall trees and moonlight all around us, but I'm looking for an organism. A demonstration.
I see a rabbit sitting a few feet away from us. I get the group's attention and take a few steps towards the tiny creature. It doesn't run. I smile because I know it knows that its about to become the most beautiful thing my friends have ever seen. Its cottontail twitches as I pick it up. My friends gasp and coo over the rabbit, with its beady little eyes and tiny paws and that fucking cottontail. I stroke over its ears once, twice...
"Watch this, guys," I say, but I haven't spoken in so long that my voice sounds unfamiliar to my own ears.
Deep breath. Glance up to see the smiles on their faces. Steady my hands. Angle my body. I have to get the perfect angle or this won't work. Everything could go wrong and this life could be waste. Can't have that, now can we?
I hold the rabbit gently with my right hand around its middle, bring it up to my left shoulder and aim with my eyes at the space of ground directly right of me. My hand slices through the air, and the rabbit hits the ground at that perfect angle. My friends scream. I feel myself smile as bright stars, shining white and yellow and blue, explode from the rabbit's broken body. The Final Breath. True beauty. I look over at my friends, but it's not right. They were supposed to be amazed, but all I see is disgust. Terror. Horror.
"What the fuck did you just do?"
"You fucking killed it!"
"Why would you do that?!"
"Guys," I don't understand. Did they not see the stars spark and fade right before their very eyes? "You didn't see the stars?"
They go silent for a moment. I see a snake slither by right in front of me. I reach down and pick it up. Snakes are tricky. Finding the angle is hard. I coil it around my hand and throw it just like I threw the rabbit. This time, the stars were red and orange and blinding white all at once. I couldn't take my eyes off of them, but I could hear my friends shouting at me. Everything seemed as if it had lowered in tone. I was here in this world, vibrant and real, but everything else was vague and bleak and far away. I looked to my friends.
"Don't you understand?" I ask. "Can't you see how beautiful it is?"
"You're killing living creatures!"
"You don't see the stars?"
"There are no stars!"
I can't believe it. They don't understand. I showed them the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and they don't see what I see. "You just need to open your eyes," I say. I can hear the desperation in my voice but I can't care. I just need them to see what I see. I'm tired of being alone.
"If this is some kind of joke, it's not funny."
"Why would I joke about this? That was beautiful. Death is beautiful and you can't see it!"
"Calm down, okay? I think we just need to take you home--"
"I don't want to go home, I just want you to see."
"See? See what? All I see is two carcasses that you created and you're trying to tell us that it's beautiful?"
"There were stars and you didn't see them! How could you not see them?" I'm screaming now. Fear is evident on their faces, and I don't understand how this could have possibly gone wrong.
Another idea materializes and I can feel everything around me slowing to a halt. I'll show them, but this time, it'll be different.
"I'll show you guys, and this time you'll see them."
I run off in the general direction of town, my friends shouting after me. They're following me. I can hear them. They're scared, but I know that everything will be alright in the end. The skyscraper emerges as the trees thin out. I'm not in the park anymore. This is a city. There's traffic and billboards and lights, but I'm only looking at the skyscraper.
"Stop!" I hear them yell.
The ladder on the side of the building is old and narrow, probably hasn't been used in years, but that isn't going to stop me. I begin to climb. My fear of heights dissolves and is replaced by a fear of falling too soon. I can't mess this up. I need them to see the stars. As I climb higher and higher, I can see the stars in my head. They're the most precious things I have ever seen. I wonder what color my stars will be? Hopefully yellow. I've always liked yellow.
"Hey!" I hear from behind me. I look back and see one of my friends. He's following me.
Instead of replying, I just keep climbing. Can't let him distract me. I have to do this right. I can feel him gaining on me, so I climb faster, rung after rung, until my foot slips and collides with his face. I'm hanging on because I'm not ready yet. I look behind me and watch as he falls, hitting the ground, and creating bright green stars. I take a moment to stare, but my heart begins to beat faster. Anticipation.
I reach the top where a long metal rod stands tall, and I grab on. The ground looks so far away and I smile. I can still hear all of the sounds from the city below and I can just barely make out all of the people. Hopefully, they can see this too. I stand with my back to the edge, heels hanging off the ledge, and I tip myself over. The wind feels like a cradle and a jackhammer all at once. It carries me to the ground as it beats my eardrums with its cruel song. I angle my shoulders and try to relax. Everything is going to be--
The loudest crash I have ever heard in my life shakes me to the core. I can feel it inside of me, and then I realize that it was me, because everything hurts all at once. My head is pounding where it's cracked open, spilling out into the cracks my body created on the pavement. I could taste blood on my tongue and feel the fractures in my spine. I opened my eyes and lifted my left arm, the one that wasn't crushed to millions of pieces, finding my hand covered in blood, fingers bent at all the wrong angles, skin missing from my palm like it slid across the pavement when I landed. Am I even still able to breathe anymore? This isn't how it was meant to happen. I did it wrong. All wrong. I am not dead.
There were no stars.
Everything around me is silent, and I thought for a moment that the sounds of the city just faded into the background like they do when I'm falling into my own mind, but there is nothing. The skyscraper stands tall, looking down at me. The sky is no longer dark, but an ominous gray, like a storm hanging heavy above my head. The cars were gone. The wind was gone. My friends were gone. There were no stars. Were there ever any stars?
I can't move, so I just lay there. I lay there and my head is clear for the first time in what seems like years. I'm not falling into my mind. The Cycle in my head has finally stopped. Every time I close my eyes, I see the stars I saw when I threw the rabbit and the snake, the brilliant greens of my friend hitting the pavement. The filing cabinet that sits behind my memories is apparently full of delusions, and there were never any stars.