What Can I Really Say?
Today was a pretty good day until the family session of course. Everything I had been telling people in group I didn't want to say to my dad, in fact when he came in I started crying and my mom had to speak most of the time. He immediately wanted to blame others for the reason I snapped saying that it made him mad cause he knew there was no good intentions on "his" part and that I was just going to get used. He was saying that if by some chance that person cared at all for me, where was he to be found now? The therapist said that we can't know people's intentions and that sex happens, and my dad said he understood that and knew if I found myself in that situation and it ended badly that I would know it wasn't a smart choice, he said that was never a concern cause he knew it happens. Then I kindly pointed out that when I had Brian come talk to him in December it was so he could ask about his intentions but he never did and my dad realized I was right. Then I said instead of telling me not too he kept forcing more restrictions and the therapist was so confused...he was asking why I left it up to my dad whether I wanted to date or continue dating this boy. I said out of respect and my dad finally said that my choices were ultimately mine to make he is just upset that after caring about someone for so long that when I need them now they are no where to be found. So then they made me do a rundown of all the things that got me to where I am today...
-First in 2004 being hospitalized and missing my senior year and getting the college assistance that I would have gotten if I had been able to go to school
-Then in 2005 I moved away
-2006 pot shots were taken at me in order for people to get their point across that acting or screenplay writing wasn't a good career choice to make
-Went to Strayer which is very sparse when it comes to people my age
-2007 my best friend started pulling away
-2008 had my best friend ditch me, made a new best friend whom I became more than friends with
-2009 my boyfriend dumped me twice over because even though we were good together and I was what he had been looking for, for a long time he wasn't happy and I was too attached, he stopped talking to me the day before I tried to commit suicide
In therapy this is the kind of stress that keeps building and ultimately only one thing makes you go over the edge...I guess I had reached my limit. The thing that hurts the most is the people I thought were friends we soo quick to dump me. My dad says we can go out for drinks and try to talk stuff out and that if I wanted to go out with some people from school that was fine...too little too late. Okay so I am already feeling like shit and I think hanging out with J will help my spirits lift. I go pick her up and she says a guy friend of hers called and wanted to hang out and she said she would only go if he gave her a ride home. I pay her way into the movie and she says she feels bad if she leaves me and I said it was okay cause if that was what she really wanted to do I wasn't going to make her stay. 10 minutes into the movie she gets her call and says she is going to go, I say goodbye and am sitting there in the theater surrounded by people with their friends and when the movie is done I just want to curl into a ball and cry.She knew I had issues of loneliness and isolation, that is part of the therapy, telling people what your issues are. Am I really such a horrible person that I don't deserve any friends of any kind? My supposed best friend stops calling and e-mailing me, my other friend claims to be the friend that I can talk to and is no where to be found because he has so much going on between school and his new girlfriend and work...maybe I am wrong and all of these people hate me because I have inadvertently done something to make them mad at me...this is just the worst feeling, knowing people don't want to be bothered and the people who do I can't see.