Just A Little Pissed
What can I say, part of me feels bad for being pissed and another part of me says I am justified in being pissed. So after my last post Brian has decided to do some thinking about his life and whatnot and I had already kinda mentioned that I was sure he was going to break up with me (again) and he says "Why would I do that?" Well, for one thing he hasn't tried calling me since then, he hasn't been in contact with me since then, and when I did IM him it was such a sterile convo that my mind is sending me all kinds of signals that "It's over, just delete him from your phone and messenger..." but then another part of me (a part that my inner negativity has completely squashed) is saying "Just wait, it is a big decision he is making it's about his life choices. After all, dad is probably going to grill him about it and if you want it to work then you don't want him to sound stupid." and then the negativity comes back and says "It doesn't fucking matter cause he was probably going to dump you in June when he graduates anyways, so it's better he rips the band-aid off now than ripping it off after it becomes part of you." and, of course the innocent part of me says "He is already a part of me and no matter when he dumps me it's going to hurt all the same..." I hate posting stuff that sounds too "woe is me" but I just really need to vent and I feel like if I say something to him too soon he will just dump me because of the fact that I am pressuring him, or we will just get into a big argument that could have been avoided if I had just bit my tongue.
Anyways I went to my doctors appointment Tuesday and found out I lost 2lbs and it's probably been more since then cause I haven't been eating at all, don't worry I am drinking lots of water though so YAY me! Moving on, the doctor said I have a buildup of iron in my body cause the count on that just won't go down and he says he might have to do an ultrasound of my heart cause if there is iron in there then it could be depositing there or in my liver...is it wrong of me to hope I die from it? I guess for all the optimists out there that would be wrong of me to wish that...damn it. But you know what, I am tired of always thinking of what other people want and how devastated people will be if I am gone...it's what I want so it's my life anyways and it's not like it's going to get any better from here out. I just will get more responsibility, more emotional and mental abuse, more stress...so who cares anyways, I sure as hell am done.