So It's Been A While...
I will leave this post as public instead of locked for "Close Friends" so that everyone can read it and not have to log in...since some people are soo lazy now. Anyways, so the past couple of weeks have been really good to me even if some people haven't. I don't really know how much longer I can excuse certain behavior but whatever...don't want to dwell. Last Saturday I was invited to Brian's house and I debated it all day. My mom was laughing at me later that day, it was actually on our way home from a fabric store in Richmond that she needed me to accompany her on. Okay so she was laughing saying "If you're going to go I need you to let me know so I can get my dinner early, so you can take the car later." I was moping most of the day cause I knew that my dad would seriously dis-approve of my choice if I chose to go. My mom was saying that they were just trying to spare me from getting involved with someone who wasn't as involved in me, although I don't think anyone really knows how involved I am with him since I can't even really tell. Sometimes I think it's more that what it is, and other times I don't really think about it I just let things be. Now it's to the point where I am just stressing at random times and am shutting down, other times I am just sitting around the house and start smiling to myself. I figure all I can do is just keep my eyes open in this situation and see where things lead, cause he knows I WILL NOT be a friend with benefits. So later that night I called him and told him I wouldn't be able to make it, and of course he could tell something was wrong ( I never used to be so easy to read) and I told him that I had a question that I wanted him to answer and I didn't know if he would answer it since he seems to like avoiding the subject. i just came out and asked if we were dating...cause my mom has been making me feel really paranoid about spending so much time with him. I can't really remember the exact answer he gave me but I think it was something along the lines that we would just "be" and if it led to dating then that was fine...or something like that (don't get mad, I can't retain a lot of stuff anymore!) So I told my mom and she seemed to accept the answer, but what makes me mad is that I keep living my life for everyone else and am constantly worrying about making everyone else happy when no one really cares if I am happy or how much it may hurt me to not be able to get out of the house. I just get really tired of being able to tell everyone else what's on my mind, but when it comes to having a talk to my parents about dating I shut down and just run back to my room. I wish I had a back bone when it came to them. The night wasn't a total waste though, I got to meet him for dinner for which he paid (thanks :D) and I enjoyed myself but I usually always do with friends...it's just really crushing my spirit when I have to come back to reality.