"...drownin' all my dreams of ever really seein' california..."
wow... guys, i promise i'm not all melodramatic and like 'I HATE LIFE, IT SUCKS AND SO DOES EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD!' on the contrary, i'm rather the opposite. mostly, i love everything and everyone. (notice i said mostly, i am in no way trying to paint a picture of myself as a perfect fairy princess.) but i only feel the urge to write in my lj when i'm a little down in the dumps. this new entry is pretty much gonna be about the same stuff as the last one. so either don't read from this point on or brace yourself for some venting and thinking out loud.
so. it's been a month. scratch that, more than a month. i just thought one big curse word, loudly. it was like eight bazillion curse words so loud and fast and thought at the same moment, that they became one GIANT word instead of a stream of them. ... whoa, that's an intense new word... if i could figure out how to say it, i could tell somebody off for real in like .002 seconds flat! ... ANYWAYS. i'm so angry at you. there's this HUGE part of me that wants to slap you as hard as i can the next time i see you. i just heard that word again. and now questions... why? how? when? who ARE you? what makes you think you're too good for forgiveness? what makes you think nothing's worth fixing anymore? at what point did you decide that our friendship just 'wasn't worth it'? and finally, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! there's that new word again. echoing in my head.... it must be hollow up there because it echoes real loud for a LONG time... so there's this other part of me... it hurts. bad. i miss you. why? i don't know. you've got to be the biggest jerk i've ever met in my whole life. but you were the best jerk of a friend i ever had. well, you were the farthest thing from a jerk back when we were actually friends. like the overprotective big brother i never had... that was shorter than me. you freaking quizzed me on my first date with joey... you freaking asked me what i wore! man, i loved you to DEATH back then. and the word yet again. just wondering, did the cool you die? are you ever coming back? should i bank on you staying gone? and another part of me doesn't care. just like you. it wasn't always there. when you said it it wasn't there. i cared very much. i never expected to be broken by a friendship, those don't generally shatter like that. but in that second, you broke my heart. then gradually, not caring me started to grow and now it sticks its head in occasionally and for a while, you just don't matter to me. i'm reluctant to let that guy take over because even though it means no more anger or hurt, it means no chance of amends. there's the word. again.
gah, i make it sound like i think about you constantly which is NOT the case. it's just that when i DO think about you, i think about this for long periods of time and i try to analyze how i feel. i dunno why i do that... i just do.
and i simply MUST end with a happy note so... i'd just like to let you know that i got one of my old best friends back. i'm very glad. i missed her VERY much.
...and when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face? ...
i don't think you will.
♥♥♥
so. it's been a month. scratch that, more than a month. i just thought one big curse word, loudly. it was like eight bazillion curse words so loud and fast and thought at the same moment, that they became one GIANT word instead of a stream of them. ... whoa, that's an intense new word... if i could figure out how to say it, i could tell somebody off for real in like .002 seconds flat! ... ANYWAYS. i'm so angry at you. there's this HUGE part of me that wants to slap you as hard as i can the next time i see you. i just heard that word again. and now questions... why? how? when? who ARE you? what makes you think you're too good for forgiveness? what makes you think nothing's worth fixing anymore? at what point did you decide that our friendship just 'wasn't worth it'? and finally, WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?! there's that new word again. echoing in my head.... it must be hollow up there because it echoes real loud for a LONG time... so there's this other part of me... it hurts. bad. i miss you. why? i don't know. you've got to be the biggest jerk i've ever met in my whole life. but you were the best jerk of a friend i ever had. well, you were the farthest thing from a jerk back when we were actually friends. like the overprotective big brother i never had... that was shorter than me. you freaking quizzed me on my first date with joey... you freaking asked me what i wore! man, i loved you to DEATH back then. and the word yet again. just wondering, did the cool you die? are you ever coming back? should i bank on you staying gone? and another part of me doesn't care. just like you. it wasn't always there. when you said it it wasn't there. i cared very much. i never expected to be broken by a friendship, those don't generally shatter like that. but in that second, you broke my heart. then gradually, not caring me started to grow and now it sticks its head in occasionally and for a while, you just don't matter to me. i'm reluctant to let that guy take over because even though it means no more anger or hurt, it means no chance of amends. there's the word. again.
gah, i make it sound like i think about you constantly which is NOT the case. it's just that when i DO think about you, i think about this for long periods of time and i try to analyze how i feel. i dunno why i do that... i just do.
and i simply MUST end with a happy note so... i'd just like to let you know that i got one of my old best friends back. i'm very glad. i missed her VERY much.
...and when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me sorry with a straight face? ...
i don't think you will.
♥♥♥