falling away from myself...
I don't know anymore. I really don't know. I'm not sure that I care. It feels like time is speeding by get going so slowly that it is like an omnious storm cloud threatening to rain on a beautiful day.
Here are some things I don't know:
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't know what I was doing in the first place.
I don't know why I decided to come here to Indiana.
I don't know why I'm still here in Indiana.
I don't know why jobs are so important though I can't seem to find one.
I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't know what I want to be "when I grow up".
I don't know what I have to or want to do tomorrow.
I don't know what I want to do at all.
I don't know what my friends are doing.
I don't know if my friends are still my friends.
I don't know if I'm still my friends' friend.
I don't know if I should do something more than I am.
I don't know if I should have done something more than I did.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know if I would like to know who I am or what I like.
I don't know why I'm writing all this down.
I don't know why people act the way they do.
I don't know why people say what they do.
I don't know why I do what I do.
I don't know why I say what I do.
I don't know a lot of things.
Here is what I do know:
I know I want to know most of the above listed things.
I know I want everything to be okay.
I know that things won't be okay unless I do something.
I know that I don't know what it is that I need to do.
I know that I'm always hungry.
I know that I'm tired of waiting for things.
I know that I'm used to having to wait.
I know that people change.
I know that people can't BE changed.
I know that I wish I didn't need people.
I know that I do.
I know that I'm too old to be distracted by childish things.
I know that I'm too young to be involved in most adult matters.
I know that people say I'm too young to know what I want.
I know that they are naive or jealous that I do know.
I know that I seem foolish, because I am.
I know that I am smart, but unwise.
I know that I am talented, but unsure of myself.
I know that I am good at things, but others are better.
I know that others will always be better.
I know that I want to be better.
I know that I am easily annoyed, yet I am also patient.
I know that I disappointed my father.
I know that my father is mad, even though he says he isn't.
I know that I've hurt my important people.
I know that I'm trying to make it better.
I know that I am wasteful.
I know that I am narcissistic.
I know that I am this way because I am unconfident about myself.
I know that I am sorry for those I've hurt.
I know that I am sorry for those I will hurt.
I know that I'm lonely.
I know that I'm afraid.
I know that I'm sad.
I know that I'm hateful.
I know that there is only now and the possibility of tomorrow.
I know that there are things in my past I am not happy with.
I know I cannot change them.
I know I'm loved.
I know I'm hated.
I know I've loved.
I know I've hated.
I know that this is a lot to read.
So there is just some of whats been floating around in my thoughts lately. I also think a lot about what I've done and what it means. So far I've come to the conclusion that most of what I've done hasn't amounted to hardly anything at all. I've wasted an assload of my dad's money for a selfish, childish reasons. I've pissed off a lot of people without even trying sometimes and even more for when I did try. I'm not so sure why I'm still here in Indiana. I mean, like I've said before, school is school, no matter where I go. So I don't know why I'm wasting so much money going to school outside of Michigan. I guess I kind of hoped that it would be different, better, something that I would be proud of. All I've come to realize is that it won't be different anywhere I go. There will always be stupid people, and smart people. Rich people and poor people. There will always be nice people and there will always be assholes. The only thing that will change will be the place and the familiarity associated with it. I'm not so sure that I can change anything now because of how far I've already gone. I don't want to just give up and come home, but I want to come home, not only because I don't want to stay here but because I also want to go home too. Those of you who read this and don't understand where I'm coming from or what I feel, I'm pleased for you. For those of you who can relate, I'm sorry. It sure is troublesome, isn't it?
See you Space Cowboy...
Here are some things I don't know:
I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I don't know what I was doing in the first place.
I don't know why I decided to come here to Indiana.
I don't know why I'm still here in Indiana.
I don't know why jobs are so important though I can't seem to find one.
I don't know what I want to do with my life.
I don't know what I want to be "when I grow up".
I don't know what I have to or want to do tomorrow.
I don't know what I want to do at all.
I don't know what my friends are doing.
I don't know if my friends are still my friends.
I don't know if I'm still my friends' friend.
I don't know if I should do something more than I am.
I don't know if I should have done something more than I did.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I like.
I don't know if I would like to know who I am or what I like.
I don't know why I'm writing all this down.
I don't know why people act the way they do.
I don't know why people say what they do.
I don't know why I do what I do.
I don't know why I say what I do.
I don't know a lot of things.
Here is what I do know:
I know I want to know most of the above listed things.
I know I want everything to be okay.
I know that things won't be okay unless I do something.
I know that I don't know what it is that I need to do.
I know that I'm always hungry.
I know that I'm tired of waiting for things.
I know that I'm used to having to wait.
I know that people change.
I know that people can't BE changed.
I know that I wish I didn't need people.
I know that I do.
I know that I'm too old to be distracted by childish things.
I know that I'm too young to be involved in most adult matters.
I know that people say I'm too young to know what I want.
I know that they are naive or jealous that I do know.
I know that I seem foolish, because I am.
I know that I am smart, but unwise.
I know that I am talented, but unsure of myself.
I know that I am good at things, but others are better.
I know that others will always be better.
I know that I want to be better.
I know that I am easily annoyed, yet I am also patient.
I know that I disappointed my father.
I know that my father is mad, even though he says he isn't.
I know that I've hurt my important people.
I know that I'm trying to make it better.
I know that I am wasteful.
I know that I am narcissistic.
I know that I am this way because I am unconfident about myself.
I know that I am sorry for those I've hurt.
I know that I am sorry for those I will hurt.
I know that I'm lonely.
I know that I'm afraid.
I know that I'm sad.
I know that I'm hateful.
I know that there is only now and the possibility of tomorrow.
I know that there are things in my past I am not happy with.
I know I cannot change them.
I know I'm loved.
I know I'm hated.
I know I've loved.
I know I've hated.
I know that this is a lot to read.
So there is just some of whats been floating around in my thoughts lately. I also think a lot about what I've done and what it means. So far I've come to the conclusion that most of what I've done hasn't amounted to hardly anything at all. I've wasted an assload of my dad's money for a selfish, childish reasons. I've pissed off a lot of people without even trying sometimes and even more for when I did try. I'm not so sure why I'm still here in Indiana. I mean, like I've said before, school is school, no matter where I go. So I don't know why I'm wasting so much money going to school outside of Michigan. I guess I kind of hoped that it would be different, better, something that I would be proud of. All I've come to realize is that it won't be different anywhere I go. There will always be stupid people, and smart people. Rich people and poor people. There will always be nice people and there will always be assholes. The only thing that will change will be the place and the familiarity associated with it. I'm not so sure that I can change anything now because of how far I've already gone. I don't want to just give up and come home, but I want to come home, not only because I don't want to stay here but because I also want to go home too. Those of you who read this and don't understand where I'm coming from or what I feel, I'm pleased for you. For those of you who can relate, I'm sorry. It sure is troublesome, isn't it?
See you Space Cowboy...