Fuck Was I
I couldn't sleep Wednesday night. Either I couldn't sleep or I didn't want to. I was too tired to actually analyze my actions, but the point is I stayed up all night and one of the things I did was read my old livejournal entries. So funny. It's like looking at a picture from junior high and thinking what the fuck was I wearing? Jenkos? What? ---ok this is actually really funny. I have my itunes on shuffle and Fuck Was I by Jenny Owen Youngs just came on. How appropriate. If my life had a soundtrack, this song would probably play a lot---anyway reading my old entries was very entertaining and made me think once again that I should continue to use this just so I can look back and remember my life and how I was feeling at certain times. I still prefer writing on paper. Handwriting in itself is so full of expression, but there is no more space in my room for journals so I had to put them in storage. It's easy to just come on one website and read through my life.
Right now I guess I'm just dealing with that quarter life crisis that I know everyone else my age is experiencing whether or not they want to admit it. Once I determined that I am happy with all the choices I have made up until now, I could start figuring out what I wanted to happen next. My two problems right now are that I have too many interests and I am most likely going to be in school for a very long time. I really believe that I will regret not doing what I have always wanted to do and I can't think about how hard something is going to be. I have to take things one day at a time, but sometimes I still question why I make my life more difficult than it has to be. I don't think I would be all that interested in an easy life. I want to make a contribution. I want to help. I want to feel like each morning when I wake up I have a good reason for doing so. I started to make a list narrowing down my interests which I was thinking about putting up here so later on when I'm second guessing myself or trying to convince myself to do something else, I can look at my list and remember what I really love. I have to remember to do that another day.
I slept until like 11 today and I'm kind of disoriented. Since I didn't sleep Wednesday night or Tuesday night that much, I came home last night from school, made dinner, watched Grey's, talked to Shayne on the phone and then I think I fell asleep. I just remember him calling back and I was already dead. I think he just said goodnight and let me sleep. I don't remember. I just woke up a little while ago and feel kind of off. I know I should be doing something instead of this, but I'm not sure what. I know I was suppose to go to the library, but my mom was going to go with me and I'm not sure where she is. We're going to see Shayne in Fiddler on the Roof tonight, but I don't know when we're leaving. I'm sure she's going to come home and tell me that I was suppose to do something. I think I'll go try to at least do some school work or something. I've been so bad with that. This has been the hardest semester of my life. I don't know if it's the actual work or the way I am handling it. Being in a new school is hard because at first I didn't know how I fit in academically. I also had a lot of distractions this semester and I've touched upon some emotions that I wasn't even aware of. I'm also not that impressed with some of my professors. There is one in particular who I find to be strange (which is kind of funny, but mostly irritating) and offensive. I had to meet with him alone in his office yesterday which at first I refused to do because I wasn't comfortable being alone with him and I didn' t think he could make me, but I decided to just get it over with especially because I can't afford to do poorly in his class. Well seeing him outside the classroom just further reinforced my gut feelings about him. His office was completely messy with stuff all over the couch and floor. He cleans off the chair right next him (of course) and doesn't even look at me while he is talking. Then he starts to pick up little pieces of lint off the carpet while he is talking which is so indicative of his personality. I think that pretty much summarizes his outlook on life and his teaching style. He's obsessed with little details and fails to look at the big pictures and he's a freak.
I somehow managed to write a lot, but not really say anything that I was planning on saying, but I have to go now so I'll write later
Right now I guess I'm just dealing with that quarter life crisis that I know everyone else my age is experiencing whether or not they want to admit it. Once I determined that I am happy with all the choices I have made up until now, I could start figuring out what I wanted to happen next. My two problems right now are that I have too many interests and I am most likely going to be in school for a very long time. I really believe that I will regret not doing what I have always wanted to do and I can't think about how hard something is going to be. I have to take things one day at a time, but sometimes I still question why I make my life more difficult than it has to be. I don't think I would be all that interested in an easy life. I want to make a contribution. I want to help. I want to feel like each morning when I wake up I have a good reason for doing so. I started to make a list narrowing down my interests which I was thinking about putting up here so later on when I'm second guessing myself or trying to convince myself to do something else, I can look at my list and remember what I really love. I have to remember to do that another day.
I slept until like 11 today and I'm kind of disoriented. Since I didn't sleep Wednesday night or Tuesday night that much, I came home last night from school, made dinner, watched Grey's, talked to Shayne on the phone and then I think I fell asleep. I just remember him calling back and I was already dead. I think he just said goodnight and let me sleep. I don't remember. I just woke up a little while ago and feel kind of off. I know I should be doing something instead of this, but I'm not sure what. I know I was suppose to go to the library, but my mom was going to go with me and I'm not sure where she is. We're going to see Shayne in Fiddler on the Roof tonight, but I don't know when we're leaving. I'm sure she's going to come home and tell me that I was suppose to do something. I think I'll go try to at least do some school work or something. I've been so bad with that. This has been the hardest semester of my life. I don't know if it's the actual work or the way I am handling it. Being in a new school is hard because at first I didn't know how I fit in academically. I also had a lot of distractions this semester and I've touched upon some emotions that I wasn't even aware of. I'm also not that impressed with some of my professors. There is one in particular who I find to be strange (which is kind of funny, but mostly irritating) and offensive. I had to meet with him alone in his office yesterday which at first I refused to do because I wasn't comfortable being alone with him and I didn' t think he could make me, but I decided to just get it over with especially because I can't afford to do poorly in his class. Well seeing him outside the classroom just further reinforced my gut feelings about him. His office was completely messy with stuff all over the couch and floor. He cleans off the chair right next him (of course) and doesn't even look at me while he is talking. Then he starts to pick up little pieces of lint off the carpet while he is talking which is so indicative of his personality. I think that pretty much summarizes his outlook on life and his teaching style. He's obsessed with little details and fails to look at the big pictures and he's a freak.
I somehow managed to write a lot, but not really say anything that I was planning on saying, but I have to go now so I'll write later