Leftover thoughts

[i_have_cooties]

Sometimes I think that I try to find simple solutions to complicated problems. Everything has to fit into this neat little package that I can analyze and analyze until it isn't scary anymore. I make generalizations about the people in my life and the relationships I have with them. Everything and everyone is derivative of something or someone else. There is always a simple explanation. They never loved me. I'm a novelty. I'm the perpetual codependent- make you feel good about yourself- fix your life- rebound girl. Never again. I was never given the answers so I created them for myself. I speculate because that is always better than not knowing. I always think that there is a solution to every problem, but maybe I'm the problem and I'm not willing to fix myself. I don't want to feel like I'm disposable again and I don't want to be scared to love him. There will always be excuses. Excuses to wait, excuses to push you away. My own feelings are the only things that I will ever be completely certain of. I trust your face and the words that come out of your mouth are the ones I want to hear, but I also want them to be true and I feel like I will never know. There will always be another her who I will never be. Another shadow over me, making me question who I am and why you love me.

I blame my stream of consciousness on the cough medicine. A wise man once told me to never mix medicine and livejournal. Maybe I should have listened, but I think he would agree that making something beautiful out of something ugly is the best catharsis. Even better than a good cry. I feel like making something really beautiful.