i almost peed myself
this was really funny to me because it reminds me of something i would do...
For those who have tried waxing....you'll appreciate this.
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It
was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It
works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip I
move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate
hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must
stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to
normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair
on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need
to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of
a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter
than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -
I
sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my
butt
and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight
pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try
to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out
loud
by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke
of
someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to
need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose
at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I
get
a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I
recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.....
For those who have tried waxing....you'll appreciate this.
One Woman's Tale of Woe
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the
wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my
mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It
was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you
just
rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them
apart
and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair
right
off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but
I
am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck
together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get
out
the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I
lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
It
works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can
do
this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all
wayward
body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax
strip I
move north.
After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate
hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the
toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right
side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching
down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale
deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from
pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only
managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and
RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must
stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK,
back to
normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused
me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory
that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair
on
it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now
covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I
need
to do something. So I put my foot down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming
of
a cell door. Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think
to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll
run
the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter
than
that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -
I
sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of
the
tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my
butt
and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a
slight
pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try
to
hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is
located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out
loud
by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call
the
number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke
of
someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to
scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have
your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super
hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not
working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to
need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the
lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to
lose
at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my
friend.
It's sooo painful, l but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I
get
a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully
remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and
despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I
recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color.....