(no subject)
these past two days have been the most depressing days ever.
but dont ask me why.
since that is the very question that i am trying to figure out.
yesterday i felt alone.
ive never felt so alone.
alone and unappreciated.
unappreciated and unloved.
maybe i felt like that because i was realizing that i AM alone.
alone and unappreciated.
unappreciated and unloved.
i thought maybe i was just tired.
but after i took a nap i realized thats not it.
then i thought maybe i was hungry.
but i just ate dinner.
maybe i was missing something.
or someone.
but i dont know what.
or who.
maybe it was just it.
i was alone.
my mom went "someplace"
she refused to tell me where.
my dad spent the night out in the shop.
with his car.
maybe its jealousy?
im jealous of his car?
it seems logical.
hes wanted it since he was 10.
ive never seen him want something so bad.
and he finally got it.
and maybe i was just jealous because
he spent more time with that car
then he does with me.
i can tell he favors my sister too.
he actually talks to her.
he used to talk to me.
but he dosent anymore.
i used to think i made him proud.
but recently,
i smartened up.
and i realized
that if there was a time when i did,
i dont anymore.
he talks to my sister.
maybe he thinks that thats his chance
to make up for not talking to me.
her name is shelby.
his car is a shelby cobra.
ironic.
today is different from yesterday.
instead of feeling alone,
i feel invisible.
this morning i wokeup at 4.
i just sat in bed
with the curtains closed
so there was no evidence of a new day begining.
but it came.
the sun came up.
and there was nothing i could have done to stop that.
when i came out of my room i went in the kitchen.
my dad walked right past me and out the door.
it took me three tries to ask my sister where he went.
she said he went back to work.
at 10.
he usually dosent leave until 1.30.
that was the first thing she said to me today.
and the last.
she walks right past me as if im not even here.
maybe im not.
maybe i died last night.
and now my spirtit is living out the rest of my life.
no.
thats rediculous.
my life isnt worth finishing.
but i still do.
one of the most over-asked questions
in the world,
in my world,
is
why?
it is over-asked.
and never answered.
why cant i answer that?
why?
more so,
why cant anyone?
why?
thats all i need right now.
is answers.
why do i feel alone.
am i alone.
why do i feel invisible.
am i invisible.
why do i feel like no one cares.
does no one care.
but the question i ask you,
who ever you are,
is why am i sitting here writing about it.
why do i care that much.
especially about something that seems so trivial.
is it just a test?
or am i really this pathetic.
or...
both?
but dont ask me why.
since that is the very question that i am trying to figure out.
yesterday i felt alone.
ive never felt so alone.
alone and unappreciated.
unappreciated and unloved.
maybe i felt like that because i was realizing that i AM alone.
alone and unappreciated.
unappreciated and unloved.
i thought maybe i was just tired.
but after i took a nap i realized thats not it.
then i thought maybe i was hungry.
but i just ate dinner.
maybe i was missing something.
or someone.
but i dont know what.
or who.
maybe it was just it.
i was alone.
my mom went "someplace"
she refused to tell me where.
my dad spent the night out in the shop.
with his car.
maybe its jealousy?
im jealous of his car?
it seems logical.
hes wanted it since he was 10.
ive never seen him want something so bad.
and he finally got it.
and maybe i was just jealous because
he spent more time with that car
then he does with me.
i can tell he favors my sister too.
he actually talks to her.
he used to talk to me.
but he dosent anymore.
i used to think i made him proud.
but recently,
i smartened up.
and i realized
that if there was a time when i did,
i dont anymore.
he talks to my sister.
maybe he thinks that thats his chance
to make up for not talking to me.
her name is shelby.
his car is a shelby cobra.
ironic.
today is different from yesterday.
instead of feeling alone,
i feel invisible.
this morning i wokeup at 4.
i just sat in bed
with the curtains closed
so there was no evidence of a new day begining.
but it came.
the sun came up.
and there was nothing i could have done to stop that.
when i came out of my room i went in the kitchen.
my dad walked right past me and out the door.
it took me three tries to ask my sister where he went.
she said he went back to work.
at 10.
he usually dosent leave until 1.30.
that was the first thing she said to me today.
and the last.
she walks right past me as if im not even here.
maybe im not.
maybe i died last night.
and now my spirtit is living out the rest of my life.
no.
thats rediculous.
my life isnt worth finishing.
but i still do.
one of the most over-asked questions
in the world,
in my world,
is
why?
it is over-asked.
and never answered.
why cant i answer that?
why?
more so,
why cant anyone?
why?
thats all i need right now.
is answers.
why do i feel alone.
am i alone.
why do i feel invisible.
am i invisible.
why do i feel like no one cares.
does no one care.
but the question i ask you,
who ever you are,
is why am i sitting here writing about it.
why do i care that much.
especially about something that seems so trivial.
is it just a test?
or am i really this pathetic.
or...
both?