sincerely written from my brother's blood machine
Tomorrow Amy, Paul and I are going to see X3. I'm expecting good things, the first two were good, so why not the third? I have two jobs now, I haven't started either one yet though. I'm waiting for my uniform to get in at one of them and I'm waiting for my friend to get her nursing license reinstated for the second one.
Otherwise nothing has been happening in my life, except for my 'mysterious illness'. Some say it's GERD or acid reflux disease caused by my hernia, others say angina/heart disease. I'm pulling for the acid reflux myself. It's a really weird thing. I get pressure in my chest a lot, and I get pains on the left side of my chest, but also in my shoulder and sometimes it makes my nipples hurt. I get these same pains on my right side too though, just not as frequently as I do on the left. I don't know, I'm not dead yet and it's been happening for a while, you'd think I would have passed on by now.
I used to be friends with this amazing, I mean fucking amazing collective of women. The kind of people you meet on line and just thank God that someone invented the internet. This was about 8-10 years ago, I have a fuzzy memory, but I still keep in semi-touch with a couple of them through LJ. It's just that I'm fucking notorious for letting friendships go because, well I don't honestly know why. My point here is that I'm missing my girls, and I wish I had a stronger bond with some of them still. After seeing pictures of Meg's birthday with Rijn and some of the other girls I got really sad. How exactly do you go about rekindling an old friendship flame? There's a few more people out there I'd like to get back on track with as well, Alexarc for one and Hallie for another. I'm not a horrible person, or a bad friend really...I'm just bad at communication I guess.
Oh yeah that's right, this entry isn't over yet. So I finally figured that my hippie nature comes from Mokey Fraggle. I was all this time assuming it was my mother, until we got into a political argument that ended in her agreeing to put all middle easterners in an interment camp. Don't ask. Anyway, my point here is that I'm debating about smoking a bowl because right now I'm pain free in the chest area. The problem is that lately, recently actually, smoking pot throws me into a panic attack. I'm talking just a bowl of regular mexican weed. I smoke it, sometimes not even half a bowl and I just get these insane panic attacks. I don't get paranoid, weed has never made me paranoid. I get hot, I get chest pains, and I can't breathe. This first time I had a panic attack I thought I was fucking dying. I'd never had one like that before and trust me having one and thinking that you're dying just makes it worse. If Amy is here and telling me a funny story I don't even want to laugh, I just want to smack her and tell her to shut up. I like her being here though, don't get me wrong, she keeps me grounded. Now I just have to move around some or lay down and calm myself until I get to Terror Threat Level 2. It just really pisses me off that one of my most favorite relaxing past times now makes me freak out. I don't know what causes it or why, I've never had an adverse reaction to weed before. Thing is, I still do it, and I probably always will. You know, I know that I've never really been very vocal about me smoking, but honestly, how many of you can say you didn't know? I'm hoping this will pass, and I'm sure it will. It just makes me a little nuts though.
I think that's about enough from me for the evening. Now I'm gonna go smoke that bowl and play some Suikoden.
Otherwise nothing has been happening in my life, except for my 'mysterious illness'. Some say it's GERD or acid reflux disease caused by my hernia, others say angina/heart disease. I'm pulling for the acid reflux myself. It's a really weird thing. I get pressure in my chest a lot, and I get pains on the left side of my chest, but also in my shoulder and sometimes it makes my nipples hurt. I get these same pains on my right side too though, just not as frequently as I do on the left. I don't know, I'm not dead yet and it's been happening for a while, you'd think I would have passed on by now.
I used to be friends with this amazing, I mean fucking amazing collective of women. The kind of people you meet on line and just thank God that someone invented the internet. This was about 8-10 years ago, I have a fuzzy memory, but I still keep in semi-touch with a couple of them through LJ. It's just that I'm fucking notorious for letting friendships go because, well I don't honestly know why. My point here is that I'm missing my girls, and I wish I had a stronger bond with some of them still. After seeing pictures of Meg's birthday with Rijn and some of the other girls I got really sad. How exactly do you go about rekindling an old friendship flame? There's a few more people out there I'd like to get back on track with as well, Alexarc for one and Hallie for another. I'm not a horrible person, or a bad friend really...I'm just bad at communication I guess.
Oh yeah that's right, this entry isn't over yet. So I finally figured that my hippie nature comes from Mokey Fraggle. I was all this time assuming it was my mother, until we got into a political argument that ended in her agreeing to put all middle easterners in an interment camp. Don't ask. Anyway, my point here is that I'm debating about smoking a bowl because right now I'm pain free in the chest area. The problem is that lately, recently actually, smoking pot throws me into a panic attack. I'm talking just a bowl of regular mexican weed. I smoke it, sometimes not even half a bowl and I just get these insane panic attacks. I don't get paranoid, weed has never made me paranoid. I get hot, I get chest pains, and I can't breathe. This first time I had a panic attack I thought I was fucking dying. I'd never had one like that before and trust me having one and thinking that you're dying just makes it worse. If Amy is here and telling me a funny story I don't even want to laugh, I just want to smack her and tell her to shut up. I like her being here though, don't get me wrong, she keeps me grounded. Now I just have to move around some or lay down and calm myself until I get to Terror Threat Level 2. It just really pisses me off that one of my most favorite relaxing past times now makes me freak out. I don't know what causes it or why, I've never had an adverse reaction to weed before. Thing is, I still do it, and I probably always will. You know, I know that I've never really been very vocal about me smoking, but honestly, how many of you can say you didn't know? I'm hoping this will pass, and I'm sure it will. It just makes me a little nuts though.
I think that's about enough from me for the evening. Now I'm gonna go smoke that bowl and play some Suikoden.