game over
I didn't save him. He was crying out to be saved and I couldn't hear him because he was too far away. Or maybe I wasn't listening. Everybody's going to tell me that it wasn't my fault, and maybe it wasn't, but it was. I'm the Slayer.
I'm the Slayer, so I've always got to be alone. That's the way it goes. That's the rule. The big golden rule, the one I've always gotta follow. Because the second I break it, my lover dies. And when the love is true -- I kill him.
I don't know why I believed that Angel and I could ever live in the same world. I should've known the first time I killed him that it could never last. When I stuck the sword into his heart and pushed him into Acathla's hell. Looking back, I still can't believe that I did it. I was seventeen and desperately in love - how did I get so righteous?
I'm not so righteous anymore. If I had the same choice to make all over again, I would have kissed Angel and kept kissing him until Acathla swallowed us all. Who would have noticed? Who would have cared? It would have been over. I might be the Slayer, but I'm human and I can't do this anymore. I can't lose Angel again.
Except -- I already have. And he wanted me to do so many things, and find so many things, and help so many people and he'd hate me if he knew. I hate me. I deserve to be hated.
I killed Angel again, by not being there with him. By not knowing. I'm so lost in this haze of non-Slayerness, and I can't find my way out - I can't find my way back to Angel. How am I supposed to move on when I know he's not coming back?
... and more importantly, how do I know it?
I'm the Slayer, so I've always got to be alone. That's the way it goes. That's the rule. The big golden rule, the one I've always gotta follow. Because the second I break it, my lover dies. And when the love is true -- I kill him.
I don't know why I believed that Angel and I could ever live in the same world. I should've known the first time I killed him that it could never last. When I stuck the sword into his heart and pushed him into Acathla's hell. Looking back, I still can't believe that I did it. I was seventeen and desperately in love - how did I get so righteous?
I'm not so righteous anymore. If I had the same choice to make all over again, I would have kissed Angel and kept kissing him until Acathla swallowed us all. Who would have noticed? Who would have cared? It would have been over. I might be the Slayer, but I'm human and I can't do this anymore. I can't lose Angel again.
Except -- I already have. And he wanted me to do so many things, and find so many things, and help so many people and he'd hate me if he knew. I hate me. I deserve to be hated.
I killed Angel again, by not being there with him. By not knowing. I'm so lost in this haze of non-Slayerness, and I can't find my way out - I can't find my way back to Angel. How am I supposed to move on when I know he's not coming back?
... and more importantly, how do I know it?