whos next

[i_go_humble]

Sometimes i catch myself asking why i waste my time thinking about certain past times or past peoples when i know pretty damn well that they never think of me in such of a sense. If a person hears a song or smells a specific scent, one may react to it as if "oh...that makes me think of this or that" or in my case i dont need one of the six senses to make me reminisce about a time or person. Everyone will always react to a song or scent cause thats human nature, it reminds us of our past but we let the thought pass through our brain and away and then continue with our "present" lives. Unfortunately, ive always had a problem of letting things go. Not to say, ill never let go of you cause i can never move on without you sort of thang, but rather, i cant let go because its a huge part of me. I know that im young and that the things i have encountered in my time on this earth as you may call it seems miniscule to the elderly, but i take every moement, every ecounter with a human being or a drug or myself with the exact opposite of a grain of salt. Every moment is a milestone in the making and all i crave is to make these moments ones that i can look back upon in time with a sense of positivity or atleast a feeling of accomplishment, no regrets. As bad as i put myself through since i was 16, i honestly cannnot feel regret as much as i want due to the fact that i wouldnt be who i am and where i am if i hadnt made those mistakes. So where am i now? Im 24, graduated from a prestigous college with a BA and now am getting a job that pays $14 starting off which is only temporary if i want it to be. I have a family that has my back, a nephew that makes any girl go awwwww. But in reality, it definetely is a new step in life, no more this and that, but instead, im done with school forever.......so now what????? Get a job right? Well i always thought that jettared would make it but as times has taken its toll which i figured from my own intuitions in my heart, i dont think that its going to happen, let the cards fall where they may is all that i can say. I love them all in different ways but i wasnt destined to be with them in my eyes, not a jettared style atleast. Its hard to say it but its much harder to deny it longer than i have for years. No matter what though, they will always be with me. Hmmmmm...whats next to analyze.....women? That definetely goes back to the original thesis of this blog dealing with reminiscing. Ive dated plenty of women and have been with many others but its always been a handful of those that i can never stop thinkin of even if i was the one who left them astray. The thing is that with a few, its been years upon years since ive even been in contact with them yet i keep thinkin of them, not in the sense that ill make things right and well be together, fuck that nonsense, its more like my life cant move forward unless i tell them how i really feel or rather how find out there story so that i can finally close the chapter on her. I know it sounds wasteful in a way, but these women consume my mind half of my days. Where i come from, its hard to find a woman whos just right and if your in search of such a woman, it will never happen as weve all heard before. At times, it hurts when thinkin of certain times but then i realize that that was then, this is now, other times i completetly lose myself and write long blogs like this :) The main women that i speak of shouldnt know who they are even if they read this cause the group is way obscure, but i dont like to call it a group, but rather some women who impacted my life in a way that any sex couldnt compete with. The fact is that all of these women are way in the past though ive been able to locate them only to find that one is engaged, the other is prolly engaged living in texas i believe, the other is a drunk living only miles away from me and the last is i believe a drunk as well in lansing. Its so demeaning to be a hypocrite sometimes huh? This shit could go on for pages and pages but i honestly cant only because my fingers hurt. My main point of this was to say that i thnk its ridiculous that i think so much about these people when i know that they prolly never think of me and if they did, its nothing compared to the way that i think of them. But in the same sense, i believe that there are people out there who think the same way about me honestly and if so, i feel somber about that. If you never know how someone feels about you, how can you feel anything about it? I was in love with a girl that i met when i was 14 and never was able to tell her that i truly loved her after years of time passed.....and now, shes engaged to be married and i honestly am happy for her only because i know that she is happy and thats all that matters. Its hard though not to just NOT think about a certain person or time, everyone is different as far as what they concieve within themselves, unfortunately, im the one who doesnt let go of the past or a past love. Jesus Christ people, if you are still reading this, you are either drunk, high, or a good listener. ALright, time to wrap this up cause its time. I wake up every day praying that i wont have a panic attack or more importantly that i will in someway succeed in something. Its very different from wakin up feeln shitty n goin to work which i know is shitty in its own way. The past is always and will always be on my shoulders and i allow it to settle its nest there. The fact is that i hate the present, im scared of the future because of what my past has done to me yet i hang onto it like a bad habit. Wheres the logic in that? I just want to find a girl, move from this place, do what i was meant to do and for once, finally be happy not only with life, but with myself and position in life. From there, let the cards fall where they may...I miss you all. NL,IH,AF,AY

If your interested in meeting this guy, dont bother :(