10 MONTHS LATER
Dear Mom and Dad,
It’s so fucking obvious that things between us haven’t been super duper lately. In other words, the only communication that we have is either when one of you comes home and I say hello or I come home and I say hello and that’s it. I know your concern about me has risen to RED level according to the terrorist level. The fact is that you have lost your child, Chris, you lost him many years ago and for me to type this is even harder then you could even imagine. The reasoning for this letter is that since I stayed home tonight I had a lot of time to think and write and one of the biggest things on my mind was my family and how much I know they are concerned about my health. The fact is family is that I am a borderline drunk, we all saw it coming, I thought I was strong enough to fight it and maybe I am but with all the other shit that has been thrown in my life and especially now losing a girl and living everyday in fucking fear of dying due to panic attacks, of course I want something to shut my mind out. The thing is that I’m not strong enough to fight out these attacks by staring at a wall; you will NEVER understand what I go through everyday. I find it very fucking disturbing that I am even a part of your gene system since I am the only being of this tree that possess these traits. DON’T even bring in grandma konkle cause for years you knew I was going threw shit and knew that she went threw shit obviously and never once made a connection so don’t you make one now. Maybe Skip was right; everything “skips” a generation. His mom was a depressed and obviously fucked mother and his father a drunk that in turn has turned into his own son. The thing is that if I was a straight person and did nothing as far as drugs, who knows if I would be as fucked up as I am now, but who knows. Back in the day, I hated drinking, I really despised it, cause all I was about was drugs, but once I almost died from it, drinking didn’t sound too bad to me. Unfortunately, it started off small and just drinking here and there, show after show. Today, I pretty much drink every other day if not everyday. I’m not stupid; I have a drinking problem, its very obvious. I see it in my own actions and especially in your eyes everyday. The fun part is that I have thought of suicide, but only in mind, not as an actual answer because I never would and for 2 reasons. 1. MY MOM. 2. MY NEPHEW. That’s it. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the rest of my family but DAD, there’s just some things you don’t fucking get when it comes to human emotions, I know your not a robot, but sometimes I wonder how I came from your seed. Every time I get angry you think I have some issue but the thing is that my whole life has been an issue and I’m not going to say that you weren’t there to see it….ohhhh daddy was never there…wahhhhhh. NO, BOTH of you were there all the time everyday taking care of both of us and you were great parents so don’t ever think that you weren’t. The problem was that once I hit a certain age, I had to figure shit out on my own and SO I did. I just realized that I have been writing this for WAY too long, I could tell my whole life story but I’d rather tell you face to face if you wanted to get technical. MY WHOLE POINT of this letter was to tell you that ever since we moved into this home, I have been very isolated from you all, FUCK, even when we were on salem I was as well, but it’s a big house and its just us 3 and pretty much throughout the day, I say maybe a sentence to each of you. Mom and Dad, I hate those words by the way, how about, KING AND FUCKING QUEEN!!!! How about that??? Anyway, here are the facts. Your son is a very fucked up individual who fears his own future because of his past and what he has done to himself and now that he is working himself into the real world, he has no idea of how to survive and it scares him to FUCKING death. I mean FUCKIN DEATH. There is so much I could tell you guys and I’m sure you would all love to sit down and take it in but there’s no way you could ever REALLY understand what I have been going through. I know I have opened up a few times in the past but what’s been going on lately cant compare. So unless you all want to open up a bottle of wine and talk about how your child is SO FUCKED UP, then please understand when I don’t want to talk to anyone. Every time I see you I feel I give you the cold shoulder, which I do, cause there’s a million things going on in my mind. I love you more than anything, if it weren’t for you, I would be dead, shit, I should be dead anyway, you just don’t know it, now you do…HAHA. Anyway, all my teachers told me that I write papers like I’m talking to somebody, well this letter is not that different, but I guess my teachers will understand that I love to write like I talk, its just my nature. IN CONCLUSION: I didn’t plan on writing this letter by all, its 4am but since I was sitting home and have been feeling like SHIT for umm………..13 years,ohhh what a unlucky number by the way…I love you guys to death, if it weren’t for you, id be dead or be in a VERY bad situation but would end up DEAD anyway. I’m sorry I don’t talk all the time, there’s just many things going on in my life that you will never understand but that doesn’t mean that I don’t neglect the shit that’s going on with my mom and her braces. I know how she suffers and it FUCKIN pisses me off everyday cause I cant do anything about it. SEE DAD, me and mom suffer from a lot of shit, shit you may understand and shit that you OBVIOUSLY don’t get. I’m not saying that you don’t get in your moods but it seems that every time I want to break something or mom gets in a funky mood you blame it on some bullshit excuse and to me THAT’S BULLSHIT. You are the reason that I live, this I know, but sometimes, I wish you would have pulled out, I’m sorry to say such a sick thing, but honestly, you don’t know what you have created. You created something good and respectful, but you let me loose and now and I’m a gun waiting to be shot off. I’m surprised you put firearms in this home with the way I feel about myself. I actually pulled one out for fun, don’t worry, I didn’t pull the trigger, I made sure to drop the clip and empty the chamber, but you’re a funny man for sure for bringing so many firearms into this house. I have been writing for way to long and said a lot of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Bottom Point, I love you all and thank you for putting up with my BS everyday. I know my drinking problem and everything else has been a burden upon you lately and it will be for a long time until I kick my own ass and drown in my own deceit. I just want to say that I love you more than anything in the world and your love means more than my own life, in other words, my life means shit compared to your love for it. I would kill myself if it meant that you both had a happier life, I honestly would cause in hindsight, mine hasn’t been the greatest and I'm about to turn 24.
As i vest my flashing sword and my hand takes hold on judgment I will take vengeance upon mine enemies and i will repay those who haze me. O'lord raise me to thy right hand and count me among thy saints...
It’s so fucking obvious that things between us haven’t been super duper lately. In other words, the only communication that we have is either when one of you comes home and I say hello or I come home and I say hello and that’s it. I know your concern about me has risen to RED level according to the terrorist level. The fact is that you have lost your child, Chris, you lost him many years ago and for me to type this is even harder then you could even imagine. The reasoning for this letter is that since I stayed home tonight I had a lot of time to think and write and one of the biggest things on my mind was my family and how much I know they are concerned about my health. The fact is family is that I am a borderline drunk, we all saw it coming, I thought I was strong enough to fight it and maybe I am but with all the other shit that has been thrown in my life and especially now losing a girl and living everyday in fucking fear of dying due to panic attacks, of course I want something to shut my mind out. The thing is that I’m not strong enough to fight out these attacks by staring at a wall; you will NEVER understand what I go through everyday. I find it very fucking disturbing that I am even a part of your gene system since I am the only being of this tree that possess these traits. DON’T even bring in grandma konkle cause for years you knew I was going threw shit and knew that she went threw shit obviously and never once made a connection so don’t you make one now. Maybe Skip was right; everything “skips” a generation. His mom was a depressed and obviously fucked mother and his father a drunk that in turn has turned into his own son. The thing is that if I was a straight person and did nothing as far as drugs, who knows if I would be as fucked up as I am now, but who knows. Back in the day, I hated drinking, I really despised it, cause all I was about was drugs, but once I almost died from it, drinking didn’t sound too bad to me. Unfortunately, it started off small and just drinking here and there, show after show. Today, I pretty much drink every other day if not everyday. I’m not stupid; I have a drinking problem, its very obvious. I see it in my own actions and especially in your eyes everyday. The fun part is that I have thought of suicide, but only in mind, not as an actual answer because I never would and for 2 reasons. 1. MY MOM. 2. MY NEPHEW. That’s it. Doesn’t mean I don’t care about the rest of my family but DAD, there’s just some things you don’t fucking get when it comes to human emotions, I know your not a robot, but sometimes I wonder how I came from your seed. Every time I get angry you think I have some issue but the thing is that my whole life has been an issue and I’m not going to say that you weren’t there to see it….ohhhh daddy was never there…wahhhhhh. NO, BOTH of you were there all the time everyday taking care of both of us and you were great parents so don’t ever think that you weren’t. The problem was that once I hit a certain age, I had to figure shit out on my own and SO I did. I just realized that I have been writing this for WAY too long, I could tell my whole life story but I’d rather tell you face to face if you wanted to get technical. MY WHOLE POINT of this letter was to tell you that ever since we moved into this home, I have been very isolated from you all, FUCK, even when we were on salem I was as well, but it’s a big house and its just us 3 and pretty much throughout the day, I say maybe a sentence to each of you. Mom and Dad, I hate those words by the way, how about, KING AND FUCKING QUEEN!!!! How about that??? Anyway, here are the facts. Your son is a very fucked up individual who fears his own future because of his past and what he has done to himself and now that he is working himself into the real world, he has no idea of how to survive and it scares him to FUCKING death. I mean FUCKIN DEATH. There is so much I could tell you guys and I’m sure you would all love to sit down and take it in but there’s no way you could ever REALLY understand what I have been going through. I know I have opened up a few times in the past but what’s been going on lately cant compare. So unless you all want to open up a bottle of wine and talk about how your child is SO FUCKED UP, then please understand when I don’t want to talk to anyone. Every time I see you I feel I give you the cold shoulder, which I do, cause there’s a million things going on in my mind. I love you more than anything, if it weren’t for you, I would be dead, shit, I should be dead anyway, you just don’t know it, now you do…HAHA. Anyway, all my teachers told me that I write papers like I’m talking to somebody, well this letter is not that different, but I guess my teachers will understand that I love to write like I talk, its just my nature. IN CONCLUSION: I didn’t plan on writing this letter by all, its 4am but since I was sitting home and have been feeling like SHIT for umm………..13 years,ohhh what a unlucky number by the way…I love you guys to death, if it weren’t for you, id be dead or be in a VERY bad situation but would end up DEAD anyway. I’m sorry I don’t talk all the time, there’s just many things going on in my life that you will never understand but that doesn’t mean that I don’t neglect the shit that’s going on with my mom and her braces. I know how she suffers and it FUCKIN pisses me off everyday cause I cant do anything about it. SEE DAD, me and mom suffer from a lot of shit, shit you may understand and shit that you OBVIOUSLY don’t get. I’m not saying that you don’t get in your moods but it seems that every time I want to break something or mom gets in a funky mood you blame it on some bullshit excuse and to me THAT’S BULLSHIT. You are the reason that I live, this I know, but sometimes, I wish you would have pulled out, I’m sorry to say such a sick thing, but honestly, you don’t know what you have created. You created something good and respectful, but you let me loose and now and I’m a gun waiting to be shot off. I’m surprised you put firearms in this home with the way I feel about myself. I actually pulled one out for fun, don’t worry, I didn’t pull the trigger, I made sure to drop the clip and empty the chamber, but you’re a funny man for sure for bringing so many firearms into this house. I have been writing for way to long and said a lot of things that I wouldn’t have otherwise. Bottom Point, I love you all and thank you for putting up with my BS everyday. I know my drinking problem and everything else has been a burden upon you lately and it will be for a long time until I kick my own ass and drown in my own deceit. I just want to say that I love you more than anything in the world and your love means more than my own life, in other words, my life means shit compared to your love for it. I would kill myself if it meant that you both had a happier life, I honestly would cause in hindsight, mine hasn’t been the greatest and I'm about to turn 24.
As i vest my flashing sword and my hand takes hold on judgment I will take vengeance upon mine enemies and i will repay those who haze me. O'lord raise me to thy right hand and count me among thy saints...