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God. I need to fucking move on. I've said this over sooooooooooo many times, I don't even know anymore. I'm starting to think, well I couldn't give a damn if we could have a second chance. Why should I wait for HIM? HE has had months to apologize for what he did. HE has had so many opportunities to say what he wanted and had to say. But he never took any of them. NEVER. And he thinks that keeping up this stupid lie is going to eventually go away. Well I hope it'll eventually eat his conscious away the guilt will bury him to death, but no one deserves this kind of treatment. Fine, we're JUST FRIENDS. But Jesus, if this is how you're going to treat friends, I think we just need to admit that we CAN'T BE FRIENDS. There, I SAID IT. Now why can't you speak the truth anymore, why can't you just admit what's happened between us? Yes, time does heal. But I've cleared my conscience. I'm not guilty of anything. It's you--you who are going to have to live with what you did for the rest of your life. You know that you can clear it up, with two simple words: "I'm sorry." But you're a coward, a fool...a fucking idiot! Just like you call yourself. I wish you weren't. But...God. I can't take this anymore. I can't waste away my life thinking of "What could've been". I need to, I'M GOING TO take myself away from you in any shape or form. If you still read my livejournal this is the last you're going to see of me because I'm tired of updating this journal. Looking back at all of its entries are so depressing, I can't STAND IT. I'll soon make a new journal and I'll MAKE SURE YOU DON'T GET A HOLD OF IT. I'm so TIRED of being worried about you, asking how you are through other people. It's pathetic how all we do is check each other's friggin' myspaces and make each other pathetic messages on our buddy profiles over AIM. PATHETIC. WHEN ARE YOU EVER GOING TO GROW UP? I respect your decision of not wanting to date because you want to concentrate on school--I'm perfectly fine with that. In fact, I applaud and support you on that decision. It's very mature of you. I, myself, am kind of modeling after that because I decided I want to concentrate on school too and not worry about dating.
Well, what's IMMATURE about what you've done is your little stunt of walking away way back in February. Jesus, don't act stupid. YOU KNOW VERY WELL I STILL HAD STRONG FEELINGS FOR STILL BACK THEN. I was so enthralled to get your IM saying "Let's meet!" I wore my best clothes, fuck even took another shower and redid my make-up...I was so excited to see you, even just for a couple of minutes. As soon as that clock hit 7:30, I took my friend Anji to wait for you at the breakdance club. 7:45, you were a no show. I panicked because I wouldn't think you'd do that. You wouldn't lie to me. So I ran around the school looking for you. Around 8:00 I was at the upper floor of the cafeteria. I was about to cry because all of my hopes totally crashed. Until...I saw you. For an instant, your green hoodie up you walked right past me. Only at first, I wasn't sure it was you. I saw a pair of glasses on this person I've never seen before. I never KNEW you ever wore glasses. Then I saw a picture on your Myspace of the same glasses I saw that night. Good job. Anyways, I also recognized your yellow bandana that hung in the back of you jeans. It took me awhile to realize it was you, and I found myself saying your name. You kept walking, he probably didn't hear me, I thought. I said your name louder, you STILL didn't turn around. I shouted your name. You didn't even glance back at me. When you went out the door I ran after you and kept screaming your name. Not once did you turn around. Was it a mistake? No, no, it was you all right. I followed you toward the parking lot and kept screaming your name. Hell, even Anji was screaming your name too. BUT YOU NEVER TURNED AROUND. YOU WALKED RIGHT PAST ME. We turn a corner, and it was pitch black. We couldn't see where we were going--especially since we've never traveled to that part of the school. I realized...that you were gone. NO, NO, NO. YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. I thought, you'd never just walk away like that. I didn't even wait for Anji and I went back to the breakdance club place again, and I didn't find you there. The cafeteria, the parking lot, friggin' the whole school. And you weren't there. I went back to the breakdance club one last time...and you weren't there. I couldn't even stop the tears anymore. Anji didn't know what to do, we still weren't that close yet so she didn't know how to comfort me. I just pushed it aside and we finally got back to class at 8:15. Sucked for us, because we missed a quiz that Sensei didn't let us retake. You know how anal I am about school, I was so pissed that after all of that I get a 0 added to my grade. But most of all...I was just plain devastated that 45 minutes of looking for you did no good...I REFUSED to believe the person I saw was you...But who am I to kid...It WAS you. And a couple of days later when I finally realized it was...I was so angry and confused and sad I couldn't stop crying. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. Never has anyone walked away from me like that...And the fact that you lied to me saying that you left the school at 7:30...Bullshit...My God. I died that night. I felt like I really did. I went home and cried and cried and cried until friggin' midnight when I went to sleep with soar eyes. I would rather think that you stood me up rather than know that you ABANDONE me that night. Yes, you ABANDONED me. There, now everyone knows the whole story of what you did. I'll say it again: YOU KILLED ME THAT NIGHT. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I DIED I DIED I DIED. Then I went home and cried.
And you're fucking retarded. You think this can go unsaid. You know how I went to go check on you recently last month? I just wanted to see how you were because Becca told me you quit breakdancing...and I got scared. But you admitted it was for a stupid reason, so why the fuck did I even stay after class to see you...And during that awkward silence I waited for you to say sorry. But you didn't. I APOLOGIZED FOR BEING MAD AT YOU. You said it wasn't my fault. Hmm...okay. So wasn't that your QUEUE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY, TOO?! No. Just fucking no. Thanks. A. Lot. I don't even know why I said we should be friends and shook your hand. Deep down, I know. Because of what you did and because of what you haven't done, we. Can't. Be. Friends.
I'm stupid. I'm fucking stupid. I still like you. But you know what? If you're not even going to fucking try, I'm not going to either. I'm through with you. I can't stand this anymore. YOU'RE the one who asked if we could still be friends when we broke up. Well you're nothing like the friend I had when we were getting to know each other over the summer. I FELT SO CLOSE TO YOU OVER THE SUMMER. I WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY MEET YOU IN NOVEMBER. TO ME YOU WERE AMAZING. Now, you're just a shitty-ass friend. Fuck, you're not even a friend. Just someone who's putting me through pain that I really don't need right now considering all the fucking things that are going on with my fucking life already. Family, friends, school...fucking all of it has something wrong. The last thing I need is pain from someone that's not even part of my life anymore.
Like I said, you were amazing to me. I thought I loved you, I really did. But I got jealous so easily, I realized it wasn't love. When you love someone, you don't get jealous. You just don't, it's WRONG. And I was so insecure about you, the hell. That's not love either. I'm just so goddamn disappointed that you never really asked me out. One kiss and then you labeled me your girlfriend. I don't even remember what day that was one. We only saw each other once a month; I had to come to you or invite you somewhere. It hurt me that you didn't seem to make the effort. And we'd talk only over fucking AIM barely calling each other. But I didn't care. I "loved" you. A lot. I only wished I realized that I just liked you so much. Because really, you're the one boy that I've ever liked so much. I thought it had to be love. But I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And when you told me the night we broke up that you "didn't love me" all I wanted to do was scream back, "THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU LOVED ME?!" I felt like you lied to me. But who am I to kid, we lied to each other. We're both at fault. And it took me a while to realize why you wouldn't want a relationship anymore. I probably still don't understand, but I'm assuming it's school.
The breakup was good for us, anyways. Well, not sure about you, but good for me. I felt horrible for being all jealous and insecure and all that, and breaking up has helped me look back at it and see how stupid I was acting. I really learned a lot about myself, and that there's still room to improve myself as a person (which I'd want to do before jumping into another relationship). All of that wait that was on my shoulders was finally lifted, and I felt at ease again. When I said second chance I don't mean second chance as in a relationship, just a second chance as friends. The good friends we were. How we could confide to each other in everything. That's all I want. But the way things are going I don't know if we'll ever get that second chance again.
Well, whatever. I just had to let this out. I can't permanently erase you from my life. Your friends are my friends, too. You're "brother" is one of my best friends. We're still going to have little connections. But until you have the BALLS to admit what you've done was wrong, or to just tell me in person "I'M SORRY"...then don't even talk to me. Just don't. I miss you, rather, I miss what we had as friends. I cared for you, you cared for me. Romantic or not, I felt for you. But now, we're nothing like that. We...just aren't.
Well, what's IMMATURE about what you've done is your little stunt of walking away way back in February. Jesus, don't act stupid. YOU KNOW VERY WELL I STILL HAD STRONG FEELINGS FOR STILL BACK THEN. I was so enthralled to get your IM saying "Let's meet!" I wore my best clothes, fuck even took another shower and redid my make-up...I was so excited to see you, even just for a couple of minutes. As soon as that clock hit 7:30, I took my friend Anji to wait for you at the breakdance club. 7:45, you were a no show. I panicked because I wouldn't think you'd do that. You wouldn't lie to me. So I ran around the school looking for you. Around 8:00 I was at the upper floor of the cafeteria. I was about to cry because all of my hopes totally crashed. Until...I saw you. For an instant, your green hoodie up you walked right past me. Only at first, I wasn't sure it was you. I saw a pair of glasses on this person I've never seen before. I never KNEW you ever wore glasses. Then I saw a picture on your Myspace of the same glasses I saw that night. Good job. Anyways, I also recognized your yellow bandana that hung in the back of you jeans. It took me awhile to realize it was you, and I found myself saying your name. You kept walking, he probably didn't hear me, I thought. I said your name louder, you STILL didn't turn around. I shouted your name. You didn't even glance back at me. When you went out the door I ran after you and kept screaming your name. Not once did you turn around. Was it a mistake? No, no, it was you all right. I followed you toward the parking lot and kept screaming your name. Hell, even Anji was screaming your name too. BUT YOU NEVER TURNED AROUND. YOU WALKED RIGHT PAST ME. We turn a corner, and it was pitch black. We couldn't see where we were going--especially since we've never traveled to that part of the school. I realized...that you were gone. NO, NO, NO. YOU WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. I thought, you'd never just walk away like that. I didn't even wait for Anji and I went back to the breakdance club place again, and I didn't find you there. The cafeteria, the parking lot, friggin' the whole school. And you weren't there. I went back to the breakdance club one last time...and you weren't there. I couldn't even stop the tears anymore. Anji didn't know what to do, we still weren't that close yet so she didn't know how to comfort me. I just pushed it aside and we finally got back to class at 8:15. Sucked for us, because we missed a quiz that Sensei didn't let us retake. You know how anal I am about school, I was so pissed that after all of that I get a 0 added to my grade. But most of all...I was just plain devastated that 45 minutes of looking for you did no good...I REFUSED to believe the person I saw was you...But who am I to kid...It WAS you. And a couple of days later when I finally realized it was...I was so angry and confused and sad I couldn't stop crying. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. Never has anyone walked away from me like that...And the fact that you lied to me saying that you left the school at 7:30...Bullshit...My God. I died that night. I felt like I really did. I went home and cried and cried and cried until friggin' midnight when I went to sleep with soar eyes. I would rather think that you stood me up rather than know that you ABANDONE me that night. Yes, you ABANDONED me. There, now everyone knows the whole story of what you did. I'll say it again: YOU KILLED ME THAT NIGHT. YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT. I DIED I DIED I DIED. Then I went home and cried.
And you're fucking retarded. You think this can go unsaid. You know how I went to go check on you recently last month? I just wanted to see how you were because Becca told me you quit breakdancing...and I got scared. But you admitted it was for a stupid reason, so why the fuck did I even stay after class to see you...And during that awkward silence I waited for you to say sorry. But you didn't. I APOLOGIZED FOR BEING MAD AT YOU. You said it wasn't my fault. Hmm...okay. So wasn't that your QUEUE TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY, TOO?! No. Just fucking no. Thanks. A. Lot. I don't even know why I said we should be friends and shook your hand. Deep down, I know. Because of what you did and because of what you haven't done, we. Can't. Be. Friends.
I'm stupid. I'm fucking stupid. I still like you. But you know what? If you're not even going to fucking try, I'm not going to either. I'm through with you. I can't stand this anymore. YOU'RE the one who asked if we could still be friends when we broke up. Well you're nothing like the friend I had when we were getting to know each other over the summer. I FELT SO CLOSE TO YOU OVER THE SUMMER. I WAS SO HAPPY TO FINALLY MEET YOU IN NOVEMBER. TO ME YOU WERE AMAZING. Now, you're just a shitty-ass friend. Fuck, you're not even a friend. Just someone who's putting me through pain that I really don't need right now considering all the fucking things that are going on with my fucking life already. Family, friends, school...fucking all of it has something wrong. The last thing I need is pain from someone that's not even part of my life anymore.
Like I said, you were amazing to me. I thought I loved you, I really did. But I got jealous so easily, I realized it wasn't love. When you love someone, you don't get jealous. You just don't, it's WRONG. And I was so insecure about you, the hell. That's not love either. I'm just so goddamn disappointed that you never really asked me out. One kiss and then you labeled me your girlfriend. I don't even remember what day that was one. We only saw each other once a month; I had to come to you or invite you somewhere. It hurt me that you didn't seem to make the effort. And we'd talk only over fucking AIM barely calling each other. But I didn't care. I "loved" you. A lot. I only wished I realized that I just liked you so much. Because really, you're the one boy that I've ever liked so much. I thought it had to be love. But I was wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And when you told me the night we broke up that you "didn't love me" all I wanted to do was scream back, "THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU LOVED ME?!" I felt like you lied to me. But who am I to kid, we lied to each other. We're both at fault. And it took me a while to realize why you wouldn't want a relationship anymore. I probably still don't understand, but I'm assuming it's school.
The breakup was good for us, anyways. Well, not sure about you, but good for me. I felt horrible for being all jealous and insecure and all that, and breaking up has helped me look back at it and see how stupid I was acting. I really learned a lot about myself, and that there's still room to improve myself as a person (which I'd want to do before jumping into another relationship). All of that wait that was on my shoulders was finally lifted, and I felt at ease again. When I said second chance I don't mean second chance as in a relationship, just a second chance as friends. The good friends we were. How we could confide to each other in everything. That's all I want. But the way things are going I don't know if we'll ever get that second chance again.
Well, whatever. I just had to let this out. I can't permanently erase you from my life. Your friends are my friends, too. You're "brother" is one of my best friends. We're still going to have little connections. But until you have the BALLS to admit what you've done was wrong, or to just tell me in person "I'M SORRY"...then don't even talk to me. Just don't. I miss you, rather, I miss what we had as friends. I cared for you, you cared for me. Romantic or not, I felt for you. But now, we're nothing like that. We...just aren't.