No you won't ever get too far from me
So I read an amazing book today called "Nothing Feels Good", all about emo and shit by this Spin writer named Andy Greenwald. I am in love with him. He is an amazing writer, not because of his superior writing skills, but because I relate to him on the outskirts so much. And because I want to write my own novella of sorts about my own musical culture.
I'm updating this at Sitwells, which is awkward x 486309486. But whatever.
He called me. I texted him, expecting nothing back, not even really an obligatory reply text. But he called. I was made very happy. And not just because I got to here my super-awesome ring tone :)
I can get up to $40,000 from the Sallie Mae foundation. HELLO!
I'm not going to work my second job. Fucking PF Chang's. I'm so fucking exhausted. What's the point? I have a great full time job. And I realllllllly want to go back to school. And I'm tired. Beyond belief.
While I'm on the subject, let me wax nostalgic about the days when I didn't have to work AT ALL. Good God. What I took for granted!
So I wrote a good 5 pages today. I'm very proud of myself. I'm finally getting what's been culminating for months on paper. Thank God. I think if I kept inside of myself too much longer, I might explode. I have touched on just the beginnings of my life. I've decided to chronicle senior year to now. And by senior year, I only mean the essentials--meeting Jen, Lacey, and moving out. FUCK actual senior year. It fucking blew.
Jen and I had an amazing conversation today at Johnny Carino's. I am so happy that we're best friends. We're close on a level I never really expected to reach with a friend. Also, what she said about our friendship, it really rang true. I really hope she can get this apartment and get her shit from her house. I am so unbelievably glad that she and her sister reconnected so well. From my perspective, where things changed in my life all the time and the people I could depend on constantly fell through, I've learned to never trust anyone completely. Two-faced-ness is always lying just beneath the surface, in my opinion. Betrayal, I should say. But I'm really glad that Jen doesn't have that to worry about, or if she does, she doesn't let on. I guess what I'm saying is I'm glad she has her sister and brother as her support network, because as good as friends are, there's nothing like family. Also that...wait, I just lost my train of thought. Good job me.
I was feeling really jealous. I want you all to know that. That's why I acted like I did. Jealous in that I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention. Isn't that awful. Yes, yes it is. But it stems from the fact that I could have cut myself open and poured dry ice into my wounds and exploded and my dad still would have brushed me off by handing over ten dollars and a two-second glance.
Do you know what that's like? To be utterly and completely ignored, 24/7? To not have any of your accomplishments acknowledged? Or worse, to be berated for the things you do and the person you are? DO YOU?
I didn't think so.
I wanted you to offer me a room. I wanted all of you to be on my side. I'm not upset I'm just purging here, online, in front of people I hate and people I love. Whatever.
I'll give you diamonds, give you candy give you pills
I'll give you anything even hundred dollar bills
I'll give you anything anything anything
Just marry me marry me marry me
I'm done for now. I feel exhausted from writing all of this.
p.s. I love my mom. I like him too much for my own good/still. I wish I was 19. I don't want to turn 19. I wish my dad talked to me. I hate my dad. I wish he acknowledged the fact that I am still SOMEWHAT emotionally attached to him. How can I not be when my best friend is his friend? SERIOUSLY? Are you kidding me?
I wish SOMEONE WAS THERE.
p.p.s. I'm really not that upset :)
I'm updating this at Sitwells, which is awkward x 486309486. But whatever.
He called me. I texted him, expecting nothing back, not even really an obligatory reply text. But he called. I was made very happy. And not just because I got to here my super-awesome ring tone :)
I can get up to $40,000 from the Sallie Mae foundation. HELLO!
I'm not going to work my second job. Fucking PF Chang's. I'm so fucking exhausted. What's the point? I have a great full time job. And I realllllllly want to go back to school. And I'm tired. Beyond belief.
While I'm on the subject, let me wax nostalgic about the days when I didn't have to work AT ALL. Good God. What I took for granted!
So I wrote a good 5 pages today. I'm very proud of myself. I'm finally getting what's been culminating for months on paper. Thank God. I think if I kept inside of myself too much longer, I might explode. I have touched on just the beginnings of my life. I've decided to chronicle senior year to now. And by senior year, I only mean the essentials--meeting Jen, Lacey, and moving out. FUCK actual senior year. It fucking blew.
Jen and I had an amazing conversation today at Johnny Carino's. I am so happy that we're best friends. We're close on a level I never really expected to reach with a friend. Also, what she said about our friendship, it really rang true. I really hope she can get this apartment and get her shit from her house. I am so unbelievably glad that she and her sister reconnected so well. From my perspective, where things changed in my life all the time and the people I could depend on constantly fell through, I've learned to never trust anyone completely. Two-faced-ness is always lying just beneath the surface, in my opinion. Betrayal, I should say. But I'm really glad that Jen doesn't have that to worry about, or if she does, she doesn't let on. I guess what I'm saying is I'm glad she has her sister and brother as her support network, because as good as friends are, there's nothing like family. Also that...wait, I just lost my train of thought. Good job me.
I was feeling really jealous. I want you all to know that. That's why I acted like I did. Jealous in that I felt like I wasn't getting enough attention. Isn't that awful. Yes, yes it is. But it stems from the fact that I could have cut myself open and poured dry ice into my wounds and exploded and my dad still would have brushed me off by handing over ten dollars and a two-second glance.
Do you know what that's like? To be utterly and completely ignored, 24/7? To not have any of your accomplishments acknowledged? Or worse, to be berated for the things you do and the person you are? DO YOU?
I didn't think so.
I wanted you to offer me a room. I wanted all of you to be on my side. I'm not upset I'm just purging here, online, in front of people I hate and people I love. Whatever.
I'll give you diamonds, give you candy give you pills
I'll give you anything even hundred dollar bills
I'll give you anything anything anything
Just marry me marry me marry me
I'm done for now. I feel exhausted from writing all of this.
p.s. I love my mom. I like him too much for my own good/still. I wish I was 19. I don't want to turn 19. I wish my dad talked to me. I hate my dad. I wish he acknowledged the fact that I am still SOMEWHAT emotionally attached to him. How can I not be when my best friend is his friend? SERIOUSLY? Are you kidding me?
I wish SOMEONE WAS THERE.
p.p.s. I'm really not that upset :)