(no subject)
Recently, I've had to deal with death, and it's made me think a lot. I think a lot about my own death, and although that may sound morbid, it always leads me back to my life. It's been said that you can judge how well you lived your life by how many people show up at your funeral, and right now, I can't help but thinking that not many people would show up at mine. I've come to realize that lately, I haven't been living my life the way I should, or the way I want to. I'm lazy, I've been letting myself violate my own principles and I'm unkind. I don't know why I'm lazy, but it's starting to affect more people than myself. Someone will ask me to burn a cd or something for them, and I'll forget about it, or just never do it, not because I don't have the means to, because I'm lazy. On violating my own principals, I've been doing drugs and drinking lately, something I never really wanted to do, and even worse, buying them. A year ago, I never thought I'd be at this point, but now that I've reached it, I don't even know. It's just bad. Finally, and most importantly, I'm not a kind person. Especially after Jeremiah's service and vigil, I heard how his kindness affected people so much, and I made it a priority of my own to try and be that kind, but it's so easy to slip back into being mean. I try every day, and every day, someone starts talking about someone who bugs me, and instead of keeping my mouth shut, I have to spew all this hateful crap about that person. I think at the root of all three of these problems, is a lack of self-control. And realizing that recently, I've been trying to change it. I haven't eaten meat for about a month or so now, which I know isn't much, but it's an exercise in self control. I'm going to stop smoking and drinking. I don't drink soda, which is something I generally enjoy, and I'm working a lot harder to keep my body in shape. I get up 3 or 4 times a week to go to swimming practice at 5:30, which sucks, but again... self control. I think one of my problems is that I don't have a way to center myself. I guess a lot of people pray, but I've never really been one to do that, and I've never tried meditation. The closest I've gotten is just sitting and listening to music, and I always end up just falling asleep. I used to have lonnnnnnnng conversations with Autumn, and that really helped me, centered me, but I'm not really in a position to do that anymore, so I am at a loss. Besides being disappointed and disgusted with my behavior, life is pretty good though...