(no subject)
Over?
Far fucking from it.
Tonight Carl asked me if I could ever be happy for him. I said no. Even if I was in a relationship and 100% happy, I could never be happy for him.
Things aren't going to get better anytime soon.
I'm going to go back to school, be pumped for a couple of weeks, and then remember how much life sucks and how badly I want to be with Kevin. Just you wait and see. I'll want to come home all the time. When I do come home, I'll realize that Kevin's in Boston, or Kevin has company and won't want to see me.
I keep going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. One second I'll be perfectly content and completely hopeful. The next minute I'll find myself locked in a bathroom with thoughts that nobody should ever be thinking running through my head.
Therapy is a joke. My therapist is a cunt.
The hardest part of life lately has been coming to terms with certain things. The second hardest part is wondering why I even have to get over him. Why should I just stop loving him because he stopped loving me? If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life isn't that fucking simple. Yeah, I absolutely should stop talking to Kevin. I should stop hanging out with him. I should push him out of my life. I should hate him for what he did to me... Blah blah blah.
Fuck it.
Talking to Kevin makes me happy. Hanging out with Kevin makes me happy. Having Kevin in my life makes me happy. Not hating Kevin makes me happy. Granted, things are so very different.
He certainly doesn't make me happy like he used to.
It's hard to cry in front of him and know that the first thought in his mind isn't to hug me and make everything okay. It's hard to know that I'm not the last thing he thinks about before he goes to bed and the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. It's hard to know that from now on, I'm just second best. I'm not good enough.
Everything has just become so difficult. I have no motivation to do anything, and when something goes wrong it's just further proof that I shouldn't be motivated to do anything.
I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want that comfort and that amazing feeling that I used to get from Kevin. Now the hugs are just pity hugs. They lack any sort of feeling or emotion.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
God, I hate her.
Far fucking from it.
Tonight Carl asked me if I could ever be happy for him. I said no. Even if I was in a relationship and 100% happy, I could never be happy for him.
Things aren't going to get better anytime soon.
I'm going to go back to school, be pumped for a couple of weeks, and then remember how much life sucks and how badly I want to be with Kevin. Just you wait and see. I'll want to come home all the time. When I do come home, I'll realize that Kevin's in Boston, or Kevin has company and won't want to see me.
I keep going from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. One second I'll be perfectly content and completely hopeful. The next minute I'll find myself locked in a bathroom with thoughts that nobody should ever be thinking running through my head.
Therapy is a joke. My therapist is a cunt.
The hardest part of life lately has been coming to terms with certain things. The second hardest part is wondering why I even have to get over him. Why should I just stop loving him because he stopped loving me? If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life isn't that fucking simple. Yeah, I absolutely should stop talking to Kevin. I should stop hanging out with him. I should push him out of my life. I should hate him for what he did to me... Blah blah blah.
Fuck it.
Talking to Kevin makes me happy. Hanging out with Kevin makes me happy. Having Kevin in my life makes me happy. Not hating Kevin makes me happy. Granted, things are so very different.
He certainly doesn't make me happy like he used to.
It's hard to cry in front of him and know that the first thought in his mind isn't to hug me and make everything okay. It's hard to know that I'm not the last thing he thinks about before he goes to bed and the first thing he thinks about when he wakes up. It's hard to know that from now on, I'm just second best. I'm not good enough.
Everything has just become so difficult. I have no motivation to do anything, and when something goes wrong it's just further proof that I shouldn't be motivated to do anything.
I want someone to hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I want that comfort and that amazing feeling that I used to get from Kevin. Now the hugs are just pity hugs. They lack any sort of feeling or emotion.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
God, I hate her.